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Young Writers Society


Breaking Free: Chapter 1



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Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:36 pm
qaralynn says...



With a groan Ksenia got out of her bed and turned her alarm off. 5.30 AM, It was still dark as she stumbled out of bed and searched for the light switch. She found it after bumping into some unidentified objects and closed her eyes against the bright light that suddenly filled the room.
After getting used to it, she yawned and checked her cellphone. The sleep slowly leaped away as she stared at the familiar blue background.
The jerk hadn’t called back.
Not even a single text to explain why either. Ksenia groaned loudly and threw her cellphone on her bed.
She had been staying up ‘til late at night, waiting for her “best friend” to call her back like he had promised her to. And this wasn’t the first time that it had happened either.

Yeah, why on earth would you keep your promise, right? It’s totally normal to let your best friend down. Oh, be sure you don’t waste too much of your precious time on me! Wouldn’t want you to put too much effort into this friendship!
She walked towards the kitchen and softly cursed at him before she opened the door and greeted her mom with a big plastic smile. The last thing she needed right now was some pep-talk.
Ksenia quickly finished getting ready for school and after her dad dropped her off, she entered the classroom with a cold look in her eyes. She was not going to let it slip this time.
Jordan was sitting in the back off the class and grinned at her like nothing had happened. Without giving him as much as a cold smile, she sat down on the other side of the room and looked out the window.

After three hours, Jordan still hadn’t come to her to apologize and she lost her patience. Breaking your promises was one thing, but not even apologizing for it was going a bit too far.
During lunchtime Ksenia called him over and ignored the annoyed look he had on his face when he had to walk away from the group of friends that were part of his fake reputation.
“What on earth was that yesterday?”
She spit those words out as if they were poison and gave him her most deadly stare.
“Owh yeah, I forgot you.” He answered uninterested while walking the last few steps towards her. Ksenia felt the anger rising.
“Yeah, I know…AGAIN.”
The people that had been standing next to her sensed an upcoming fight and walked away from them. She thankfully stared at them going away, giving them a bit of privacy.

“Yeah, sorry okay.”
She didn’t need to be some guy-expert to know that he didn’t mean a single part of it.

“Sorry is easy, isn’t it? You don’t even mean it. You can’t just go around ignoring or forgetting me whenever you want! If you make a promise you have to keep it! You are treating me like crap and I’m getting tired of it.”
Jordan’s eyes were wide from surprise and he held up his hands as if to protect himself. This was the first time she had ever started a serious fight with him and he probably had not expected to hear such venom in her words.

“Well I can’t do anything else right now than say sorry, right?!” He replied annoyed, recovering from the shock.
Before Ksenia could answer him, someone called his name and he just walked away.
Typical.

Ksenia slammed her bedroom door shut and let herself drop down on the bed. She screamed her frustration into her pillow and didn’t stop until her lungs started burning.
This wasn’t the first time that he had thrown her around like garbage. He was like this whenever she wasn’t needed.
With a dreadful sigh she pulled herself together and stood up from the bed. She sniffed softly and rubbed away the warm tears before she threw her cellphone on her desk and headed downstairs.

“This can’t be happening!” yelled Ksenia’s dad upset when she entered the kitchen. Her mother was sitting by the dining table and covered her face with her hands.
“They said they would take her away in thirty days, not one! They can’t just do this!”
He furiously kicked the table and cursed at the TWC.
“They can do whatever they want, love. They’re the leaders.” Her mom softly sniffed.
Ksenia stared at them both and heard an alarm go off in the back of her head.
Please, please not yet!

“Well we can’t just let them take her! She’s our only daughter! I will not let them brainwash her or let them run tests on her or whatever they do in those camps!”
Her mom started to sob loudly and it only made her father even more furious about the whole thing.
“Oh John, there’s nothing we can do! This is just it. We have to let her go.”
Ksenia looked at her crying mother in a mix of shock and pity.

“No way am I letting them take my daughter! I will hide or run away with her or something. We could fake her death for all I care!”

John breathed heavily and stared at his daughter with a wild look in his eyes. She had never seen him this hopeless before.

“Haven’t you been paying any attention at all these past few years then, John?! You can’t just run away with her! She has a chip in her wrist, remember? They’ll find her!”
Her mother’s cheeks were now wet with tears as she pulled up Ksenia’s sleeve and showed him the small silver chip that was implanted in everyone’s wrist.
Her dad looked at it in disgust as if this was the first time that he was actually paying attention to it.

They said this chip would be for our own safety. They promised us it would make our lives so much easier. No one ever informed us that our privacy would be completely gone though and I think I’m starting to understand why.

“Well, then we’ll just cut it out!”
Her dad grabbed a kitchen knife from the sink and took her wrist in his hand.

“Are you insane?!” her mom yelled as she quickly pulled Ksenia away from her husband. “You can’t cut it out! It’s attached around her artery! If you remove it, you’ll kill her!”
Ksenia stared at both her parents and tried to open her mouth but the shock wouldn’t let her. Her dad slowly sat down and dropped the knife.

“I can’t..I just, I..”
John’s voice broke and he stopped talking. Ksenia walked towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She didn’t know what to feel or what to say, all she could do was embrace the silence.

There was nothing that could be done.
The TWC had decided; it would happen.
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."
  





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152 Reviews



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Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:47 pm
Niebla says...



Qara!

Wow. At first I was wondering what this was all about and really couldn't see where it was going, but I love the suspense you've brought in later. Now I really want to read the rest of it -- what is this chip implanted in her wrist all about? Who are the TWC? Where is Ksenia going?

Towards the end, it definitely started to become very interesting. I will be reading the rest!

One (small) thing which bothered me about this was how some of the paragraphs are stil clumped together (though I know this is just because of YWS). It just annoys me. :wink: Maybe you could just go through it very quickly and seperate them out?

I don't really have all that many points to pick with this. I didn't notice any major errors, although I think it could be edited and improved. One thing I noticed was that the transitions from scene to scene seemed to be very abrupt. I'm not quite sure what to suggest for this, other than perhaps just to add a little more detail in setting the scene or explaining the changes.

But as I said, I think I like the concept of this story -- I'm not sure quite what it is yet, so I can't exactly tell -- but it definitely makes me want to read on!

Keep writing,

~MorningMist~
  





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Wed Jan 04, 2012 7:43 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



This was really interesting. You had actuallly grabbed my curiosity and kept it. What I liked most was that you were able to portray your characters' emotions so that the reader could feel what they were feeling. Also, your description wasn't big but I could still picture Ksenia going to school, arguring with Jordan, being in the kitchen with her father but not that much. It's description that you need more of. I enjoyed this though so good job and keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:21 am
Blues says...



Mama Q! Thanks for the bread :)

My first impression: OO Yet another great chapter. I loved it. I woud put it in capa but iPhones don't have caps lock which is really annoying.

Anyway, DO let me know about upcoming chapters. You've got me really hooked. The TWC seem incredibly creepy - especially the bit about the implanted chip*shudders*.

I've got a few things that kinda bugged me though. The paragraphs are all clumped together and look like walls of text D: (D: D: Because they're ... not) But we can blame YWS for that ;)

Onto the actual writing, I don't know if someone mentioned this but the scene transitions weren't the clearest here. Perhaps a * or three would help a lot because it was a little abrupt.

Something else (still picky), could the thoughts of the character be in italics? I found it hard to differentiate between her thoughts and the narrative. The bit about the chip though, I think it'd be better if it was a flashback. I'd LOVE to know more on that. It shocks and intrigues me.

Um. I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but you know these camps... are they anything like Hitler Youth? When they'd learn stuff too? Well, maybe a bit more extreme. I'm really interested to know what happens next.

It intrigues me though. Why was she waiting for Jordan? At the moment, that scene seems pretty useless but I'm sure it's got some importance. Riiiiight?

Another thing. I would like a little bit of description here. I did feel y'know, that there was too little information to get a basic picture in our head. I'd have also wanted to know if she could *see* the chip. And how does Ksenia feel about going to the camp?

Oh and by the way, Ksenia is a nice name choice! :)

Anyway. I hope I helped! *huggles and gives Mama Q some fish (and hopes Penguins aren't veggies)*

Keep writing!

-The Dancing duck ;)
  








The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
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