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Breaking Free: Prologue



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Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:24 pm
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qaralynn says...



The prime minister cleared his throat and stared at the papers in front of him. The dark circles under his weary eyes revealed how hectic these past days had been. He was obliged to take part in briefing after briefing and knowing how easily he could get fired, Mr. Yallov didn’t complain about the long hours. He looked at the huge group of parents in the cityhall and nervously straightened his tuxedo. This wasn’t going to be easy.

The group quieted down when he greeted them in an awkward and formal way. Mr. Yallov had always prefered sitting behind his desk but today there really was no other option. All the other ministers had been sent to Yarutsk to fix what the president of The World Commision (TWC) had ruined by opening another labour camp. The thought behind it was to transport all the criminals to these camps so that the people would feel saver in their homecountry. Unfortunately for them, these camps made the people doubt the humanity of TWC and they started protesting on the streets.

Mr. Yallov quickly went through his papers one last time and focussed on the high-lighted sentences.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I want to thank you all for coming here today”, He cleared his throat again and tried to ignore the fact that they had been obliged to come. “As you know, TWC has been searching for ways to make this World community function perfectly. No crime, no corruption, no poverty and just keep on going like that. Some of these attempts have not succeeded in a way we hoped they would but most of them have been giving us great results. Motivated by these results and by the will to make this World a better place for you, we have decided to start with a new program. It’s called -The Preperating Youth Program-.”

The prime minister was forced to pause in his speech as the crowd started to shout their disagreements. He had expected their protest but his hands started to softly shake none the less. Mr. Yallov tried to calm them down but it took a gunshot from an impatient guard for them to remain quiet.

“The youth is our future, they always have been. That’s why the TWC has decided to focus on them. The youth will be brought to special facilities called ‘Youth Camps’. In these facilities they will learn everything that they need to know. They will become motivated and disciplined and will help us with achieving a better future. There are over a million camps all over the World, each for a certain group of age. This way we will be able to give the kids exactly what they need at that particular age.”

Mr. Yallov spoke for another twenty minutes about the camps and sighed relieved when he finally left the cityhall without any injuries.
The people would get used to this new program too. They really didn’t have a choice anyway.
Last edited by qaralynn on Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."
  





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Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:44 pm
Niebla says...



Hey Qara,

Nice prologue! After reading the first Chapter and realising afterwards (typical me) that there was a prologue, I had to read it. And although it has explained quite a bit to me, it's not answered everything straight away. There are still lots of questions to be answered and I love that. Now I'll just cling on to my desk while reviewing this until I can find the next chapter and discover what happens next!

This isn't going to be a particularly long review, but I'll try and make a few points about what I thought of this. I liked it, and it definitely kept me interested. I love how the TWC are beginning to seem quite sinister over the first two parts of the story.

Honestly, I can't think of all that much that you need to improve with this. My only suggestion would perhaps be to add a bit more detail -- I'd love to know more about the setting, the characters' thoughts, and the story in general. Then again, you wouldn't want to give too much away in the prologue. :wink:

All the other ministers had been send to Yarutsk to fix what the president of The World Commision (TWC) had ruined by opening another labour camp.


There was just one tiny mistake I noticed in the line above -- it should be "All the other ministers had been sent" rather than "All the ministers had been send". I'm pretty sure that's just a typo, though. :smt001

Overall, I love this and I want to know where it's going! I'd love more detail, too, but it's already great as it is.

(I'll be reading the next few chapters soon, just because I'm so on edge to find out what happens.)

~Misty~
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 7:25 pm
Blues says...



Qeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenguin! Hi!

So sorry for taking a while after I said I'd check it out. But I'm here anyway! :)

My first impression: Wow! This is rather intriguing. You've made the TWC seem sinister so early. It reminds me a lot of the Nazi camps. Is it anything like that? I wonder. I'm definitely intrigued and I'll probably read on.

Anyway, I've only found one typo.

He looked at the huge group of parents in the cityhall and nervously straightened his tuxedo.

Cityhall should have a space between 'city' and 'hall'.

So, apart from that, I really don't have much to say! I totally agree with Misty about there being more detail. That for me was just the only bit that lacked here. The thoughts of the character in that quote I pointed out earlier would be really interesting.

I do have a question though:

He looked at the huge group of parents in the cityhall and nervously straightened his tuxedo. This wasn’t going to be easy.


You know when you say parents, will there be any MPs? (Members of Parliament. Like Members of Senate in the USA etc. I don't know the political system in Holland though.)

But that's it really! Well done! Keep Writing,

*huggles*

-Ducks
  








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