Young Writers Society

"It'll be okay." Were the first words that Kate told her daughter when her husband had left them. So alone, no house, no love. Hermione was only five and diddn't really understand at all. Sitting in the corner of a grotty hotel room Kate held her daughter tight as her little glassy eyes bled with tears and she shook with terrifying sorrow. Lips chapped by winter air pressed down on the young head and gave Hermione a warm comfort that felt so wrong and alien. Pushing the long arms and kisses away she stood and took strands of Kate's hair, begining the plat she diddn't stop untill all the hair was tied up. "Winnie'll cheer us up mummy." Taking her mother's hand Hermione made Kate sit throught hours of the disney cartoon.

Ten years later

Down a hill and over a creek sat a tree, but no ordinary tree. This Oak had sat in the same spot for over one thousand years, to those with imagination it grew to the stars, not many dared to climb it. Not for this fact though, it was because a quater of the way up sat a girl; with a temper so frightfull that even boys much older wouldn't go up.
It was the beggining of the summer holidays and children ran free down the streets. The holiday may have only just begun but summer had been long and dry, a drout began back in may and even the old oak was feeling the pressure.
"When I was little mum used to read me stories like the chronicles of Narnia, I loved them but now all the magic's gone." Hand on the higher trunk Hermione spoke free to her best friend, the air. On sight she diddn't really belong to an old English town. Sure she rode horses with envious confidence and talent, gardened and read the classics but always had looked strange th others.
Were to start? Ah, height, she was small but perfectly formed. Like a normal person hit with a shrink ray, some called her a hobbit. Of course in reality she wasn't too small, five feet and five inches but it was something that the likes of Melody Heart would use to bully her. The one thing that awfull girl admired were Hermionies big grey eyes that all ways shone with a crystal glow.
Climbing down the enormous tree she used them to her advantage by striking little children with dagger glares, warning them not to climb HER tree. Smugly she strode with pride through the field and over the gate, her cut jean shorts haddn't provided much protection from the sun so they flared a garish pink and stung as she ran to the house.
Inside she smothered herself in after sun and drapped herself over the sofa. Admiring her finely painted toe nails she smiled at her handy work. "I am good!" "Yeah, do you want to do mine?" Kate was home and she sat on the sofa with her daughter. Taking Herionies feet she rested them on her lap and looked at her toes."Theese are good! sneekily she traced a finger down Hermionies sole and made her scream. "Mum!" Pulling away Herione ran into the kitchen and grabbed a spray bottle full of water for the plants. Holding it at arms distance she threatened Kate wiht it. "No closer!" she giggled. Kate wasn't playing anymore, under the sofa she'd found a packet of cigarettes and they weren't hers.
"I thought better of you Minnie." Only when she was sad or angry would K te use her daughter's baby name. "You can't stop me mum, I'm sixteen! Anyway you smoke, way too much if you ask me..." With fists clenched Kate stood. "I'm not asking you! And you're not sixteen yet! Show a little resect, stealing from me?!" "Sod it!" Without wanting to cause any more pain Minnie ran, out the house and back to her tree. Climbing, she passed her usual stop and kept going, it seemed that she'd been going along time untill she reached a gaping hole in the side of the tree. Taking a good grip she peered in. At the very bottom shone a light, so bright it could have been a star. Creeping higher it called for her and took her with warmth and happiness. Loosening she lost her grip and went tumbling into the light.

Hello.

First things first. Slow this down and give us time to breath with this work. The object of writing is not to get every detail into one paragraph; the object of writing is to invite readers into someplace else, giving them the time and space to sit and watch what's going on in this world.

First and foremost, paint a scene instead of summarizing it. Also, dialogue should be formatted so that every time a new person speaks, it should be in a new paragraph. Like so:

Inside she smothered herself in after sun and drapped herself over the sofa. Admiring her finely painted toe nails she smiled at her handy work. "I am good!"

"Yeah, do you want to do mine?" Kate was home and she sat on the sofa with her daughter. Taking Herionies feet she rested them on her lap and looked at her toes."Theese are good!" Sneekily she traced a finger down Hermionies sole and made her scream.

"Mum!" Pulling away Herione ran into the kitchen and grabbed a spray bottle full of water for the plants. Holding it at arms distance she threatened Kate wiht it. "No closer!" she giggled.

Kate wasn't playing anymore, under the sofa she'd found a packet of cigarettes and they weren't hers. "I thought better of you Minnie."

That's just a short segment here. All dialogue should be formatted this way, to allow for ease of reading.

Also, give us some breathing room with the pace of this. In the article I linked, it explains why you need to take some time to get readers used to the story, and gives some tips for how to write a slower pace. Right now, you're going along very quickly with a case of talking heads because of how little details you're giving with the dialogue.

Flesh out this world. Make it interesting. Give us a reason to keep reading, as beginnings are all about hooking the reader, and getting them interested. With the way your beginning is right now, I'm not sure why I should keep reading.

Also, the transition was pretty rough. By marking out "ten years later" and not giving us any idea of what had changed since your introductory paragraph, I thought I was reading a completely different story than originally. Only when I saw her name written did I know that, yes, it was the same story. I didn't really like the lack of transition because there's no continuity. You're giving the impression her background has had no impact on her life, because of how you simply don't mention it in your introduction. I'd be much more interested if you told us how she'd grown up and how she ended up in that tree, instead of just going "here's where we are now". Explaining things to the reader helps make everything real, and makes readers more likely to form an emotional connection with your reader. And that emotional connection is key to getting us to continue.

Overall, I would slow this down big time. Read the articles I've linked and look at your story again, asking yourself what else you need to add to have us really be wrapped up in the story.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

Sitting in the corner of a grotty hotel room Kate held her daughter tight as her little glassy eyes bled with tears and she shook with terrifying sorrow

coma after "room" and I don't think you can really bleed tears. There is also some confusion about who "she" refers to when your talking shakintg with sorrow. If your talking about the little girl then you should take the "she" out.

Pushing the long arms and kisses away she stood and took strands of Kate's hair, begining the plat she diddn't stop untill all the hair was tied up.

coma after "away". It would be clearer if you specified whose long arms she was pushing away.

"Winnie'll cheer us up mummy."

coma before "mummy" and you should probably capitalize "mummy" too

Taking her mother's hand Hermione made Kate sit throught hours of the disney cartoon.

coma after "hand"

Down a hill and over a creek sat a tree, but no ordinary tree.

your missing a coma after the two prepisitional phrases and the sentence sounds cut-off when you put "but no ordinary tree" I suggust that you just say "sat no ordinary tree" it sounds alot smoother.

This Oak had sat in the same spot for over one thousand years, to those with imagination it grew to the stars, not many dared to climb it.

Run-on sentence. change the first coma to a period andthe second coma to an "and"

Not for this fact though, it was because a quater of the way up sat a girl; with a temper so frightfull that even boys much older wouldn't go up

not all ideas can be separated by a coma. Put a period in replace of the first coma and you don't need the ; or any other type of punctuation there

The holiday may have only just begun but summer had been long and dry, a drout began back in may and even the old oak was feeling the pressure.

a coma before "but", after "dry you should change the coma to a period and start a new sentence, and you need to capitalize "may"

Sorry if it feels like I'm cutting your storry up, but I'm just pulling out what I see. You need to go over and edit before you post. I only looked over where I left off. There is still alot of places where you are missing comas and other places where a coma needs to be a period. Otherwise the story and characters are good and you have good descriptions in some places. Message me if you want after you edit and I can look it over again. Good luck! - Alyson