z

Young Writers Society


Keeping To The Shadows



User avatar
41 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 240
Reviews: 41
Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
xMidnightWriterx says...



CLICK ON SPOILER->
Spoiler! :
This is just the very beginning of Chapter One and it is a dream, just so you know. I completed this a while ago and am stuck with writing the rest of the chapter so I thought I'd post this little bit up in the mean time to see what you think. =]
P.s. When I do finally get to post up the first chapter i will include this bit.


The snow crunched beneath her bare feet as she wondered through the forest. The harsh coldness sent shivers through her body each time she stepped forward. A series of odd shaped footprints trailed behind her, disappearing into the darkness beyond the trees.
The leafless branches of the forest trees arched high above her like a church roof; the moonlight streamed in between them, illuminating the ground in a silvery glow. A gentle breeze swept over the forest floor, sending damp leaves dancing into the air.
Her body was numb from the cold; a plain t-shirt and shorts barely covered her slight frame. She felt like she had been walking for hours. Weariness started to claim her and each step became more painful then the last. All sense of where she was eluded her; she had no clue as to where she had come from or where she was going.
The trees began to part into a wide clearing. A camouflaged warehouse occupied the middle; overgrowth concealed its lower half. Several opaque windows, which were starting to yellow from age, were barricaded with iron dowels and the camouflage paint was starting to peal away.
A sense of familiarity washed over her. Memories of being here before flashed through her mind and a sombre dread started to manifest within her. She knew she had to leave.
Before she had a chance to get away, three cloaked figures ran around the corner of the warehouse. The tallest, whose strong build could be easily seen through the cloaks fabric, was grasping the smallest ones hand and guiding them into the forest. The third figure was looking around frantically, a pair of dark shades visible under the over sized hood. They ran past her, not once glancing her way. Bile began to rise in her throat as she watched them run into the forest trees and disappear into the unwelcoming darkness. Fragmented memories of a distant past flooded back and she slowly turned, her eyes locked on the warehouse.
“No…” she whispered, before the warehouse exploded into thousands of pieces. The blasts force threw her backwards, her back slamming into a nearby tree. Blood poured from underneath her, as she lay unmoving in the snow. Burning shard fell around her and a single tear ran down her cheek as darkness finally consumed her.


Thank you for reviewing =]
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore
  





User avatar
279 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 40
Reviews: 279
Thu Dec 15, 2011 6:14 pm
MasterGrieves says...



Right. This is great. Just going to put that out there first, in case you are wondering, "does he like it?" Well yep. I do. Of course, there are a few flaws, but they are only very minor, and don't detract from the actual story.

Your use of the environment in crucial to your character. You ever read Lord Of The Flies? Well, this is incredibly similar. It also reminds me of a song by this band called The Cure. The song is called A Forest and you should listen to it. Your atmosphere is also very nice and is euphorial. The three cloaked fgures only make me want to read on more. When she whispered "no", I assumed she had awoken from her dream. Or is it a dream...within a dream...within a dream? Gaah! Sorry, just watched Inception so my mind is in a twist XD

Overall you have a fantastic piece. I especially loved your description of "her". She is a very mysterious character. I can't wait to see where you take this. Great job overall. Snazzy, sexy, stylish.

4/5 stars.
The Nation of Ulysses Must Prevail!

If you don't like Mikko, you better friggin' die.

The power of Robert Smith compels you!

Adam + Lisa ♥


When you greet a stranger look at his shoes.
Keep your money in your shoes.


I was 567ajt
  





User avatar
161 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8624
Reviews: 161
Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:39 am
NightWriter says...



Hey Midnight Writer,

In this piece, you did show a whole lot of talent. There was a certain distant feel to this, which, I suppose adds to the 'dream' part. I would watch, though, that this doesn't slip into the other chapters as it's always easy to pass over.

I really love the last line; I think that ending with a cliff hanger is always, always substantial.

Burning shard fell around her and a single tear ran down her cheek as darkness finally consumed her.


This was fantastic - or at least the 'as darkness finally consumed her' part. I don't quite understand the single tear running down her cheek bit, since, she's injured, right?
I guess it is technically possible, but it just seems a very inconspicious thing to be focusing on, while she's all but dying in the process.
Still; it's your work.

I liked this, and yeah, can't wait to read more!

-Nice name by the way ;)

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  








more fish is always superior to less fish
— Shady