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Young Writers Society


Recruited: Chapter Two



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Sat Dec 10, 2011 3:35 pm
TheClosetKidnapper says...



Spoiler! :
Okay, so this chapter is told through the point of view of Lis. She and her brother Brandon live in downtown London with their thief of a father.



Lis:

Father broke the glass case, not caring how much noise he made. The childish smile on his face grew brighter when he grabbed a fistful of jewels. I glanced at Brandon, who shook his head and pressed the cloth bag into my hands. He walked to the door and kept watch. Father dumped loads of the glinting stones into the bag as I held it open.
“Uh oh,” Bran turned to us. “We got coppers.”
Father snatched the bag from my hands and bolted. Brandon dragged me behind him. The whole Scotland Yard was behind us. Father had all he wanted with that bag of jewels, deciding to leave us behind. Feelings of abandonment stirred in my heart as he disappeared into a speck in the distance. I tripped and fell, my ankle snapping. Brandon swore and froze, looking back. I tried to get up but couldn’t, having broken my ankle for sure. My brother looked at me as I looked back. It was either help me and get caught, or leave and be free for him. I looked back at him.
“Go,” I wiped my eyes.
I was the youngest and a girl nonetheless. They would have mercy on me. He took a few steps back before bolting to me. He took me in his arms and I felt a tugging at my gut. We both looked up and saw that time had completely frozen aside from us. The policemen were still, their feet midair in a sprint. Everything was as solid as them. The only thing I could hear in this new, silent world we were in was our heartbeats and breaths.
“God, Lis, what did you do?” Brandon asked.
“Nothing,” I looked at him.
Then my stomach shot out in pain and I wrapped my arms around it, crying out. Bran freaked out, looking at my stomach to find bruise forming.
“Release it, sis.” He ordered, scared for me.
What? They were right on us!
“No, we got to scram first,” I protested, looking at him.
I felt as if someone was shoving a dagger into my torso but I tried not to show it. Bran picked me up and we ran after Father, who was frozen as well. He shifted me and stole the bag of jewels from him.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he set it atop me.
“He doesn’t bloody need them,” He muttered. “He was gonna screw us over, bloody leave you behind.”
We tucked into an alley and hid in the shadows. Something snapped in my stomach and the pain was gone. My brother held me close, still concerned.
“We can’t hide here forever,” I whispered.
“Shh!” He hushed me.
I furrowed my brow in frustration. Answer me, my eyes shouted.
“Bran, what are we going to do once they’re gone?”
He seemed to be fumbling for words.
“I’ll figure it out, sis.” He said. “Just stay quiet.”
A policeman walked into the alley and up to us, twirling his baton at his side. My muscles tensed and iced over, a reaction no longer possible from me.
“You kiddies have caused an awful lot of trouble around here,” He said.
Brandon set me aside and tucked the bag of jewels in my coat before standing.
“Our father dragged us along,” He said. “We didn’t do anything.”
“Sure you are,” The man sneered.
He lifted the baton at Bran and moved to bring it down on him. I yelled for him and Brandon ducked out of the way, rolling over. The policeman scowled and came after me, sensing the weakness in my brother. Then a huge wolf came up and snatched him out of the air, tossing him aside. The man didn’t move. The wolf rushed to me and my heart sped five times faster. His eyes were soft but foreign.
“Bran!” I called, looking behind it for my brother. “Bran, help me!”
Brandon morphed from the wolf right before my eyes. He dropped in front of me and took my face in his calloused hands.
“It’s alright, Lis.” He said. “It was just me.”
My fear liquefied and tears began to escape from my eyes. I hugged him tightly, afraid that he might change again.
“Shh,” He stroked my hair. “It’s alright.”
My body stayed in his arms until I came close to calming down. He showed no signs of letting go until my muscles relaxed and my throat wasn’t swollen with emotions.
“What’s happening to us, Bran?” I whimpered.
“I don’t know, Lis.” He said. “We need to get out of here though.”
He helped me stand and we started walking out, his arm around my shoulders to keep me close. There was this big flash and a figure took shape in the middle. When it dimmed, a red headed girl a little younger than us stood there. Bran held me tighter, tensing up. I studied her.
“You two need to come with me,” She said in an American accent, handing us a badge. “My boss wanted me to show you that.”
Brandon ran his fingers over it before looking up at her. I understood what he felt then. She was one of us, whatever we were.
“Why do we need to come with you?” I asked anyway.
“Because you’re different,” She replied. “We’re here to make a difference in this world. My boss has the solution.”
I looked at Bran, who seemed lost in thought. His eyes were distant as he stared back at her.
“You’ll be safe,” She said. “You won’t have to run anymore.”
“Our records will be revoked?” Bran asked.
“Yes,” She replied.
I wasn’t sure about this, but he was. Brandon handed the badge back and glanced at me before nodding.
“Okay,” He said. “We better scat before this bloke wakes up.”
She smiled and there was another flash.
Spoiler! :
Also, I don't like this scene as much as the first one and I know it needs a lot of work. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks ;D
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, twisted up
Inside

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twenty one pilots
  





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Sat Dec 10, 2011 10:34 pm
Boogie97 says...



well the last conversation dialog, i didnt no what bloke was. Other than that i absolutely loved this piece of work. Keep writing:)
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:00 am
NightWriter says...



Yeah this is an incredible piece of work, but as Boogie97 said, the last dialogue is a little vague, so I would change that somehow. From the rest of your work, you look like you have a fairly good idea of how to present your dialogue clearly, so this shouldn't be an issue for you.

Everything else is great! I loved it!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  





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Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:23 pm
Blues says...



'Lo Up and Out!

Finally here for the other chapters after completing the rest of my requests. I'm going to be really really nitpicky today :)

First Impressions: I liked this. I'll be honest. I enjoyed it as it was somewhat interesting, but my main issue here is that it sounds a bit like the last chapter. The basic idea was the same and as a result, I felt I'd read it all over again.

Although I do have a solution to it. If we saw what happened to the soldiers in the last chapter, and then a chapter or two after that it wouldn't feel as much like that. Because then we'd be hooked a lot more on it and would be a lot more desperate to find out what happened.

“Go,” I wiped my eyes.

There should be a full stop (Period) after 'Go' as there isn't any attribution after.

The whole of Scotland Yard was behind us.

You missed 'of' there. :)

So, just another nitpick about that above sentence. I do know what Scotland Yard is, but I'm not sure using that there is a good idea because most people don't know what Scotland Yard is. How about:

It was as if the whole of the police force at Scotland Yard was behind us.


That way, it'd make a bit more sense to those who don't know what Scotland Yard is.

Anyway, my main critique is the lack of description. Here it's not clear at all where we are - medieval London? Modern London? Somewhere in the middle? It'd really make sure that you're not 'telling' and you're showing at yet reveal all these pieces of important info. It also lets us know if it's the crown of Jewels he's stealing or something else.

That's it! :) I hope I was of some help to you today.

Keep Writing!

-Mac
  








cron
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
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