Young Writers Society

It all happened so quickly. The man I had loved for all those years wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence. He only had eyes for her the woman who had destroyed my life. She was the woman who had broken me, beaten me, and she was the one who had thrown away all of my pieces. They all knew it and obeyed her to avoid the same destiny as me. I was surly an angel without wings.

''Freak..'' I heard someone say as a group of seniors walked passed me in the hall. The rest of the group snickered while a few of them gave my hair a few tugs and when I tried to free my hair from their grip I failed miserably and landed on the hard floor. The snickering had now turned into a mocking laughter aimed at me. I could feel the tears sting in my eyes and I did my best not to scream out in absolute pain. My vision had become clouded and I noticed a few wet drops on the floor.

I hadn’t even noticed the hot liquid sliding down my cheeks. I kept my eyes on the floor squeezing them shoot at least they wouldn’t get the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Suddenly I felt something light on my thigh I slowly opened my eyes looking down to see what it was. Luckily I had long bangs hiding my face in this position. The ''thing'' on my thigh was apparently a note which had properly fallen out of my backpack when I fell. Before I could reach it someone reached out and took it ripping it to pieces. They got tired of watching me noticing I had no intensions of looking at them or break down. Carelessly they discarded the tots of brown hair in their hands and started to walk away from me leaving me alone in the empty hall. They walked away all the while laughing and pointing out how pathetic I was. I hated it. I just wanted to disappear.

It was still early morning and the first period was art. I loved art more than anything. It reminded me of my mother she had always had a great passion for art and it definitely defined her absolute being. The memory brought a small but genuine smile to my face.

''Stay like that!'' I heard someone yell across the room. My heart skipped a beat and I could have sworn I saw a twinkle in the stranger’s eyes. He knitted his brows together in a frown and pouted while pointing accusingly at me with his pencil. He took a step forward and I took one back. His pout suddenly turned into a playful smirk.

''Easy there little girl I’m not going to hurt you if that’s what you think.'' I kept looking at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. I heard him sigh and suddenly he took a few steps back ''I only wanted to draw that beautiful smile of yours nothing less and nothing more'' I gasped and looked at him with a bewildered expression. Me as a model? I could feel the heat rush to my face and got a strange urge to hide myself in a corner. It was properly all just a set up.

He chuckled and once again I was sure I saw his eyes twinkle and somehow I found it to be very cute this time. ''By the way scardy cat the name is Andrew and I thought freshmen girls liked cute senior guys like me. Or so I have heard...'' He looked at me with a fake hurt expression until his lips finally settled for another pout. Before I knew it I had started giggling in the quite crowded room. Bad move. I had drawn the rest of the art class attention. But right know I didn’t care someone wanted to have a real conversation with me and that was the only thought on my mind.

Apparently his name is Andrew Brown, senior student, and he is absolutely gorgeous. I have never met someone like him and I kept glancing at him every now and then. His azure blue eyes and black hair with indigo highlights give him an exotic and wild look. No wonder the guy has his own fan group and women following him around all the time. At least that’s what he told me. I just couldn’t believe said guy would take his time to talk with someone like me. I’m not appealing at all.

I couldn’t believe it the first period was already over and no one had harassed me yet. Great. I knew they were up to something they always were. It was like the calm before the storm he would never let a chance to embarrass me pass him by. The thought of our last encounter almost made me want to hit something. I always wanted to say something so bad I wanted to scream at them but I knew I couldn’t do anything. Pathetic. Weak. Lost. Just like he says I am.

Andrew noticed the sudden change in my mood and stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around with worry in his eyes.

''Lea, what’s wrong?''

'' What do you mean?'' I asked still lost in my own thoughts.

'' Something is bothering you! Maybe I could...''

''Just... Just leave me alone!'' I yelled aiming the bobbling anger inside me at him.
When I realised what I had done my eyes widened and suddenly my moth went dry. I didn’t mean to say that. He had done nothing wrong. I bit my lip and closed my eyes just wishing him away. I expected him to leave but instead he did something which shocked me. He took my hand stroking it with his thumb.

''I don’t know what’s bothering you but if there is anything I can do please tell me. '' I just stared at him with awe and nodded dumbly. He slowly let go of my hand and I was sure I felt sparkles.

It had been 3 hours since Andrew and I parted in the hall but I could still feel his touch on my hand. No male had ever been so close to me with my own content. I didn’t expect he would forgive my outburst just like that but he did. I certainly looked like a tomato by now and I would have to meet up with Joshua and Alex for lunch in about 2 minutes. '' I’m so finished.''

Suddenly my phone started vibrating. ''Looks like I got a message from Alex.''

From: Alexis Williams
534-567-8234
Hey you!! We’re going to have our lunch on the stairs today! Long story... Anyways just meet us on the stairs at the old part of the building we’re waiting for you!

Oh, right I forgot. Joshua had called me this morning. We’d been hanging out a lot lately but only because Alex seems to want him around. I wonder what he would want to talk to me about.

Once again I was lost in my own thoughts which resulted in me knocking someone over. To my unpleasant surprise the first thing I saw was a pair of angry onyx eyes.

Those eyes had pierced throw my soul and burned themselves into my memory. And he was the one who despised me? After what he had done to me? It didn’t make any sense! I looked away glaring at the ground. He wasn’t the kind of person I needed to se right now. I really was weak and he never failed to remind me. I tried get up be he hold me down and in one swift move he had shifted our position. My back got connected with the cold floor. I whimpered desperately trying to free myself. His deep chuckle and the amusement in his eyes stopped me though. It was the first time I had ever heard him chuckle or express any feeling besides anger at all.

''Just who do you think you are? '' His voice sounded monotone as always.

I tried to say something but every time I parted my trembling lips no words would come out. I knew I was flushed I tried to look away from those eyes. But he held my face in place with one colossal hand. His face closed in on mine all the while smirking. He smelled like a mix of cigarettes and mint just like always.

Hello, Chaos! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

This has plenty of possibilities. I definitely identify with your main character, and she'll give you plenty of opportunities to create obstacles to overcome. Creating good characters is one of the most important aspects to good writing, and you've managed to do it well with your MC.

That being said, I'm not as crazy about the other characters, especially your character's crush. He seems way too full of himself for me to like him at all. I don't think that's how you meant for him to come off, which is why I'm pointing it out. He just doesn't seem believable to me. If I were you, I'd sit down with a blank piece of paper and a pen and create a detailed description of him. Include his preferences and, especially, his flaws. Every good character must have flaws of some kind. They don't have to be huge, but they do have to exist in order for you character to be interesting.

The only other major issue I see with this is your sentence structure. Let me edit a small portion of this to show you what I mean.

I hadn’t even noticed the hot liquid sliding down my cheeks. Keeping my eyes lowered, I squeezed them shut. At least they wouldn’t get the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Suddenly, I felt something light on my thigh. Slowly opening my eyes, I looked down to see what it was, my long bangs hanging in my face, hiding my eyes. The ''thing'' on my thigh was apparently a note which had fallen out of my backpack when I fell. Before I could reach it, someone reached out and took it, ripping it to pieces.

This flows more, doesn't it? Try starting your sentences with different words and using different types of sentences. Be sure to use commas, but don't overuse them. If your writing has various types of sentence structures, it will be much more interesting and easier to read.

All in all, great work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Thank you for the review and your help!

- Actually I do have a pupuse for her crush to be an total arrogant ass but I understand what you mean
I will try to be more detailed in future chapters Thanks for taking your time to comment on this chapter!!

Hi Fly! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this! I've had a lot on my mind lately. xD

But, I'm here now and I'm going to say that this is definitely more well-written than the first in a few ways. You've expanded on your main character, just like I requested, and you've turned it into a story as opposed to a little chronology and ramble. Excellent!

We learned about your character, and now we have a base to work with, but there are still things that we can learn about her. You've dropped hints as to her past and relationships to other people, and that's also excellent.

However, I still want to point out a few things. I agree with Creative when she said that she wasn't too fond of your other characters. Your character's crush is an jerk- and you said that that was for a reason, but the whole handsome-senior thing is a bit overused. Particularly the two extremes:

•handsome senior who's totally full of himself and is, overall, a jerk.

and:

•handsome senior who's the sweetest thing on earth because he just is.

So, the next thing I'm going to ask for is for you to explore his character a little bit. Give us some depth. Does he have a bad family history, a hard time with his friends or work or a bad relationship elsewhere? Is he secretly flat-broke and trying to get by by stealing or dealing drugs? Was he in the folder care system, or why has he adopted the lack-of-confidence-so-I-use-an-ego-to-reassure-myself attitude? Or is it just something flat like he just simply has a huge ego?

There has to be more there, or he's going to be one of those flat characters that you see in all of the young adult books and high-school movies.

And another thing, regarding your bullies. Make sure that they're not all just flat characters that are simply there for the sake of tormenting your main character. And they can stay minor characters, but on rare occasion maybe let us know the surfaces of a few of their problems. Or even have her befriend one of them at some point. Of course, all of this is up to you, and you'll have to be very creative while going about it. I'm just encouraging you to explore your characters a bit and expand on them however you can. It's one of the fun parts about being a writer.

I don't think I'll say much about the writing itself in this review, other than that Creative seems to have covered what I wanted to say. It's not quite as smooth in some parts as others, and things are wordy in places and choppy in others. If you ever want to explore his more, shoot me a PM and we can work through some exercises together. Just because I've never done that and it sounds like fun. (of course, you do t have to by any means and I'm not even suggesting it- just something that we can do if you're ever interested)

But yeah, that's about all I have to say! You're already growing as a writer, and that's awesome!

If you have any questions at all, or concerns, PM me! And let me know when/if you have chapter 3 up, because I would love to review it!

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

I can't anything but love you Isha !!