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Fog - Part 8/10



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Sun Sep 11, 2011 6:14 am
joshuapaul says...



VIII The new threat

No one knew what to say, the truckers found themselves back on a seat and Joe stood close to the door holding the shotgun like a sentry or a prison warden. His hands were fidgety and his eyes searching.

“Joe, why is it so damn cold in here?” I decided a new tact maybe if I got him talking, removed the fear, he would be reasonable.
“What would you rather it be hot?” He said nodding at the big hooded A/C unit pumping cold air in from the back of the room.

Panic struck, I found myself mad again, an urge came and this time I could barely contain it. Sabre was the sonofabitch that started this and if he was here, I might kill him again. The thudding came once more. And the recognisable sound of glass slipping and clanging to the floor. The crease had spread and a small corner had popped out. The thuds got loud, and then an arm stretched in through the corner. I could feel hair prick upright on my neck. Knives.

“Mike, this way.” He followed me to the kitchen and we found a handful of knives hanging on a magnetic strip. We took them.
“Let me out, Joe.”

He moved away from the door, and I covered my mouth. Outside the girl saw me, she charged mouth open and screaming. It took two hard thrusts to drop her, blood sprayed back on my hand. Nothing could have prepared me for that, blood on thy hands literally. Her red eyes deflated, but she wasn’t done. She wrapped her long fingers around my neck. I pulled my leg up and blasted my heel against her gut and she fell off the knife. I still held my breath and looked around out there, the lightening flashed close, and it was all around us. I shook the thoughts from my head and as I went to walk back inside something clutched my ankle like a manacle. My head hurt for oxygen, and my chest was desperate to expand but I wasn’t afraid. Out there in a mess of bodies, I wasn't afraid. I looked down into the woman’s red eyes. I watched her desperately holding me, begging for the end. I took the knife and pressed it hard into her throat, it barely broke through. Oddly I felt cheated by Hollywood movies, by the act itself, by the rejection of the flesh against the knife. I pressed and forced it back and forth until warm blood splashed against my knuckles. I dropped her head and ran.

I charged through, part of me wanted to get in the old truck while I had the chance. Then I thought of Janey, I had almost forgotten about her bundled up in the backroom with Claire and the kids.

Inside the two truckers were now shoulder-to-shoulder with Joe, who took up his spot in front of the door. His hands were still shaking and his eyes barely peeping out from under bags hanging from his brow. He was like a rock, taking up a wide stance with shoulders slumped. He couldn’t stop all of us if we wanted to leave, not with only two or three rounds left. Did he have it in him to pull the trigger anyway? If I hit that little round nose hard enough and got my body under the barrel, I could do it. Mike had been watching the thoughts cross my face. He waved me over.

“It’s not worth it, not yet.” He began and of course he was right.

“He won’t move, he won’t reason, he only wants to protect his diner.”

“We’ve only got so much time,” he continued raising his eyes to the corner of missing glass.

“There must be a back door.”

“But how can we get all three of us back there and the kids. Even if we get out, we would have to move about in the fog to get to the cars.” He was right again.

There was something hard about Mike, like ex-military. It might have been his indifference to the deep crevice across the bridge of his shattered nose, or it might have been the cold steel in his eyes. I guess dealing with 400-pound sacks of muscle designed to tear men apart demanded a certain tempered finish, a balance of brute and slick. I was just glad he’s on our side, for now.

“What about the kids?” I said glancing over at the couple. The girl was getting younger every time I looked over. Silent tears ran over her parchment cheeks and the boy’s leather jacket still failed to maintain his bravado, he almost looked silly, a man’s face wearing a child’s helpless expression.

“He’s no use, I don’t think we have room for any more, assuming we can get to the car.” I explained its best we take his car as the truck only sat three. He thought it was a good idea, but his car was a little further away.

I glanced over at Joe. I could see my hands on his throat. I could see his eyes bulging and blue veins surfacing on his spotted dome. An unfamiliar rage came on flushing my face. My firm grip on my emotions was slipping again, easier than ever. I kept reminding myself Tara was at home. It was guilt at first, a hollow feeling in my gut, I wanted to fear for her, I wanted to care. But the truth is I could barely remember what we had, why we were in love.

And in the back, my daughter waited. My eyes fell on Sabre’s case again, sitting where he had left it.

“Mike, I should show you something.” I took him to the case and we went over the documents. All the ones I didn’t have time to scan before. One struck me, dated less than a week ago. As I read, the air was drawn from the room. My lungs sucked hard and my heart was going like hell.

Mr. Sabre,

While we acknowledge your important contribution to the programme, we must reject your plea to terminate further testing. Any decision MUST be approved by the board. I will personally address the issues you raise.

The aggressive nature of the chemical does not mean it cannot be contained. In testing, we have seen the chemical expand slowly through water but it fails to expand as an airborne substance. While your assessment of a possible catastrophe is right. If the chemical continues to restack particles as it expands it could conceivably spread beyond the limited field trial. But the chemicals effect would diminish and within the testing area we have allowed for 100x the expected expansion. In an absolute worst case scenario, if the chemical miraculously expanded as an airborne substance it would still barely reach the extremities of our testing area. The experiment has been approved for Monday. The closest inhabited land is 90 miles north, Little Rock, a holiday community of less than 400 people.

To address your second query: No one has been adversely affected when exposed. The chemical has had mild effects on lab rats when exposed daily. As of yet no evidence suggests it could harm a human. We have been transparent in our motives. As a division of Sabre Corp, we understand how rapidly the company is expanding and the scrutiny all projects go under. Let me personally assure you, the chemical is designed to reset primitive function and only effects animals. I don’t need to remind you how important this discovery is and the commercial prospects.

I hope this clears up your concerns. Doctor Lindegaard’s resignation was a matter of confused morals. Since my promotion, the chemical has taken substantial steps towards commercial use. The testing will continue as planned.

Yours sincerely,

Jacqueline Valkor


Mike’s eyes were scanning along the page again. Progressively becoming narrower, his lips pulled back from his teeth. He combed his fingers through his slick back hair, flashing his Tagheuer. He was all flash and style, delicately set about a hideously raptured nose and two eyes looped in purple. Our eyes met, confused, but somehow certain. It had spread beyond the 100x allowance. It did affect humans.

“Fetch whatever it is they have got over there.” Joe’s voice startled me. It came echoed with footsteps and MacGregor and the other trucker were sheepishly treading closer, we didn’t resist. We had extracted everything we could, and it sure as hell looked dire. The clock ticked closer to three in the afternoon, and the darkness was still there, as though the sun was entirely obscured, hitting the fog like my headlamps had.

I started toward the back room.
“Where do you think you are going?” Joe called.
“You can keep me from the fog Joe; just try keep me from my daughter.” I said without looking back.

They were all asleep. Except Claire. She sat one leg folded over the other at the knee. Her skirt rode up. She looked at me again, and this time there was no confusion. Her eyes wanting, her lip twisted a little between her teeth. Her head tilted. Again, the guilt came like a cannon ball down the throat. I wanted to want Tara. My high school love carried into midlife, and this morning I did love her but I was losing it as my focus centred on Claire. Something was strange, and it had become stranger. For the first time since the morning pancakes, I realised how empty my gut was. I wanted meat. I found the chiller, stocked full of bacon and sausage. I took a packet of bacon and crushed it in my fist until my thumb broke the packet and the brine squirted out.

I ripped the packing and buried my face, sucking as much as I could. Chomping, and shredding until it was empty. I found another, and another. The brine was soaking through my shirt, cooling me. Only when it hurt to eat more I left.

When I returned to the main room of the diner Mike was sitting with the young couple, no one was at the door.
“Where are they?”
“That big red headed trucker has a handgun in his cab and the little Italian, the owner, suggested they would need more weapons to keep us in. He said if he sees us out there, he would shoot us. I think all three of them went.”

“Shit! They will come back like the rest, animals. Except they will have guns.” I eyed the missing corner of glass and wondered how much fog had gotten in already. How much of the chemical were we inhaling?
There was no time to worry about that, they would be on their way back, mad and aggressive.

I lead Mike to the kitchen and we grabbed a pair of knives each. I sent the couple, Sarah the babysitter and the burly cook out the back to wait with the others. The boys offered to stay and fight, but their voices came obligatory, quaking with forged bravado.

We waited, crouching, concealed in a booth near the entrance. I could hear my breath, like a low wind through the reeds by the lake. And Mike’s cold steel eyes were hard set on the door. He had a blade coming out the back of each hand military. He could have been a commando looking like that, face caked with blood, sweat slicked across his forehead. We waited.

The door pulled open. They stepped in. There was no talk between them they just moved forward. They were like apes, the way they lumbered, hunched so far forward that they almost made a cavity of their chests. Apes, sniffing at the air, not quite as gone as the other’s but no longer human. The clap of their footfalls was the only sound. There were two of them. Where was the crew cut boy?

Joe the owner looked like a boxer who’s gone twelve rounds, beat. He still held the gun. We couldn’t go; we needed all three to be there.

That's when my heart almost escaped my chest. My eye's watered with the sound. Her voice.

"Daddy!" She called, running to the room. She stopped dead. The brainless two, found her, studying her with tilted heads and bulging eyes. Janey stood as if her pink gumboots were nailed through the heel into the floor.

I gasped. Claire stumbled in after her, and before she could scoop her up she stopped dead. Eyes wide. The truckers meandered forward sluggishly.

Mike was gone. The blades danced about, Joe didn’t stand a chance. The incision was as swift as a cat’s paw swipe. It came through his throat with a red spray and Janey let out a scream and turned into Claire, he was crouched and ready to pull her away. Mike knocked the shotgun clear and pounded at Joe's chest with the knives until he dropped.

McGregor’s eyes were shining red, he bared his teeth and in a lunge, he was on Mike. He wrapped him with arms and legs. I saw his lips peel back. Then his mouth closed on Mike’s neck. I was up drawing the knife back, then driving it forward. It was hard to break through the layer of leather and clothes and skin, into the flesh. After the first jab, I leaned on the handle pushing it deeper. I pulled his red hair back and with his head came a mouthful of Mike's bloody flesh. I pulled the knife from his back and ran it across his neck pressing hard until his body became rigid against mine and his grip loosened.

Mike’s hand was pressing against the hole in the side of his neck. Claire had receded with a sobbing Janey. I felt an overwhelming weakness, my knees trembled and my eyes were hot and running down my cheek. It was like a hole in the chest.

Mike Stood. It wasn’t over. The boy, the youngest of the truckers emerged from the bathroom. His eyes still white, his mouth open, shocked. Mike fell on the shotgun, snatching it up.

“No!” I screamed but it was too late. He squeezed.
The boy hit the bathroom door; holes appeared in his chest then washed away under the blood. His eyes were wide and white. Hand on chest. Blood seeped through his fingers. His brow fell half way over his eyes and a tear spilled over each cheek. He watched his chest heaving, in disbelief. He was a kid, a spectator like the young couple or Janey. He wanted to see the Cards win the world series. He wanted to drive away into the night, yet here he was. Lying in his blood.

I couldn’t look away; the boy was in the bathroom all along, his mind un-tampered by the fog. Something told me deep down Mike knew, the moment before he squeezed, he realised the boy was still one of us.

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Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:31 pm
Twit says...



No one knew what to say, the truckers found themselves back on a seat and Joe stood close to the door holding the shotgun like a sentry or a prison warden.


Offering two options in a time of crisis weakens the effect. Pick one or the other.


I decided a new tact maybe if I got him talking, removed the fear, he would be reasonable.

Saggy sentence, and I think “tact” should be “tack”.


“What would you rather it be hot?” He said nodding at the big hooded A/C unit pumping cold air in from the back of the room.

^_^


Sabre was the sonofabitch that started this and if he was here, I might kill him again.


Wait, it was Ross who killed him the first time? o_O


“Mike, this way.” He followed me to the kitchen and we found a handful of knives hanging on a magnetic strip. We took them.


I thought Joe had them at gunpoint? And didn’t want anyone to go out?


It took two hard thrusts to drop her, blood sprayed back on my hand. Nothing could have prepared me for that, blood on thy hands literally.


Ross seems very cool about killing them now. He was all nervous just a moment earlier and now he’s a lean mean fighting machine. Seems a bit inconsistent. Also, he was very quick to assume that these people were dead and wanted to kill them, but he doesn’t care about getting the infected blood on him.


I was just glad he’s on our side, for now.


You’ve got a tense switch here.


“He’s no use, I don’t think we have room for any more, assuming we can get to the car.” I explained its best we take his car as the truck only sat three. He thought it was a good idea, but his car was a little further away.

Not liking the slip into indirect speech. You’ve had all direct speech up until now, and it jars.


I glanced over at Joe. I could see my hands on his throat.

Dude, seriously, what?



He combed his fingers through his slick back hair, flashing his Tagheuer.


His what?



He was all flash and style, delicately set about a hideously raptured nose and two eyes looped in purple.


This description feels out of place. Why’re you describing him now?


---
While reading, it struck me how very like this is to those zombie horror films I watch sometimes. You have a bunch of people and they mostly all die, and the film might as well be a betting match on who’ll make it through to the credits. You have too many characters. How necessary are Sarah and the cook? The truckers? The necking couple? So far, (besides Ross) only Mike, Claire, Joe and the bull have had any real significance. You could take the others out and it wouldn’t affect the story at all. It feels like you have a diner full of red-shirts.

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


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Fri Sep 16, 2011 11:08 pm
SmylinG says...



This chapter was much longer, so I feel like I have twice the nitpickiness going on. x) Hope you don't mind. I also have a lot of opinions and whatnot, so it should take care of the annoyance of my singling out little errors. I know proofreading can be a pain, but it helps to clean up your writing where it's messy. I've caught quite a few things, but I know there should be a few more aside from what I have quoted, so just keep that in mind when you decide to sift back through this.

As an overall impression, I think that the action is getting to be pretty fierce, and that can make a lot of sense considering this is the second to the last chapter you have here. But you want to maybe keep in mind that you don't want your story to have one loud boom and then a silent ending. You want there to be some smoothness between the action of your story and where it's left off ending. Otherwise it'll seem like you got swept up in the exciting part a little more than you should've. But this is my opinion. I do however think you're doing good with painting out the stress of the situation. It's kind of hectic all over, innit? x)

I'll just allow you to go down the way here at what I've pointed out.

No one knew what to say(.) The truckers found themselves back on a seat and Joe stood close to the door holding the shotgun like a sentry or a prison warden.


I separated the two sentences because I think it helped with the dramatic effect, adding a slight pause.

“What would you rather it be(,) hot?” he said nodding at the big hooded A/C unit pumping cold air in from the back of the room.


I feel as if I'm going against Twit's corrections. Though I do see no need for the 'h' to be capitalized when you haven't even completed the sentence. You've broken apart two halves of a complete piece of dialogue: the dialogue itself and the narration of how it was being said. Again, I'm not sure how you had it before, but it was probably right before.

Sabre was the sonofabitch that started this and if he was here, I might kill him again.


I think you meant he might have the intention of wanting to kill him again. Although not in a literal sense, I assume you mean like kick his butt.

The thudding came once more(,) and the recognisable sound of glass slipping and clanging to the floor.


I might also say 'as well as' the recognizable sound of glass slipping to the floor.

I could feel hair prick upright on my neck.
[Separate this with a space or something. At first I thought he was referring to the feeling of the hair pricking upright on his neck as knives.]
Knives.


I pressed and forced it back and forth until warm blood splashed against my knuckles.


When he's cutting this girl's throat apart, I feel like you've gone and made the act too simple by not including some form of internal opinion on the fact. How does he feel about slashing someone's throat, granted they're affected by the fog? Is he in any way repulsed by these savage acts his dishing out? I could see how someone who had experience or the mindset and personality to kill like this could do it easily and with less regard for the life being taken, but Ross is -for the most part- a pretty normal guy. A respectable guy even. Make his conscience a little more apparent in areas like this. It's one thing to make it visible he has a conscience, but this is something you can't generously sprinkle around just so that it's apparent. Keep it constant.

I charged through, [although] part of me wanted to get in the old truck while I had the chance.


I think in adding this word here it not only smooths out the sentence, but you also clarify that he in fact was already back inside the diner. Just a simple tweak that I think might help.

“It’s not worth it, not yet(,)he began(,) and of course he was right.


Again with the separating here. :lol: Try reading 'He began, and of course he was right' by itself. It's incomplete. What did he begin? You know.

I was just glad he’s he was on our side(.) For now.



Silent tears ran over her parchment cheeks and the boy’s leather jacket still failed to maintain his bravado(.) He almost looked silly, a man’s face wearing a child’s helpless expression.


I explained its best we take his car as the truck only sat three. He thought it was a good idea, but his car was a little further away.


This seemed like something you should have maybe mentioned earlier on, or at least in a slightly different more subtle way. I feel like it was just thrown in there, like 'oh by the way'.

It was guilt at first, a hollow feeling in my gut(.) I wanted to fear for her, I wanted to care. But the truth is I could barely remember what we had, why we were in love.


Trying to decide if it's the fog that is adding these emotions. But it's interesting to think that they could very well just be sober thoughts. More character conflict. x)

He combed his fingers through his slick back hair, flashing his Tagheuer.


By Tagheuer might you have meant TAG heuer? As in this? Just wondering, but it'd make sense if you were simply referring to a watch. No need to get all fancy, JP sir. ;] Though those are some sexy watches.

“You can keep me from the fog Joe; just try [and] keep me from my daughter(,)” I said without looking back.


I wanted to want Tara(;) my high school love carried into midlife(.) And this morning I did love her(,) but I was losing it as my focus centred on Claire.


The bit about Ross eating all that bacon raw, it seemed too abrupt to process it smoothly as the way I'm sure you intended. He just started going at it. No meager thought about it. Was a bit weird. A little disturbing, but a tad bit weird the way it just happened. And then he just sort of left.

When I returned to the main room of the diner(,) Mike was sitting with the young couple(.) No one was at the door.


I noticed you have a habit of oddly placing periods and commas. o.O I'll try and refrain from annoyingly picking out every last one, but I'll just let you know that in a few places you've placed commas, there should probably be a period.

Apes, sniffing at the air, not quite as gone as the others but no longer human.


Joe the owner looked like a boxer who'd gone twelve rounds, beat.


The boy, the youngest of the truckers(,) emerged from the bathroom.


The way you ended this was so sad. Seriously, poor kid. This isn't one of those stories where everyone good dies, is it? I hope not, there's a lot of killing and bloodshed already, but I won't hold my breath. I bet it only gets worse before it gets better, right? I really am curious on how you planned to end this, but I'll get to it soon enough I suppose. Until then though I guess that does it for this review.

I'm gonna go take a nap now. -_-

-Smylin'
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Wed Sep 21, 2011 2:29 am
Kafkaescence says...



Ooookay.

Action's really picking up here. I guess that's a good thing? Gore-laden violence which will as a rule surface sometime or another in zombie apocalypse stories like these has never especially appealed to me - to whom would it? - but it's inexorable, I suppose. What is exorable, however, is the unnecessary detail with which you describe the blood, the gore. Answer me this: does the reader want to have to read through all that? Surely not.

Your use of description, in my opinion, is a bit spasmodic: sometimes you describe a scene that need not be described, and other times you leave vague scenes that could use description. Here is a section that fits quite smugly in the latter category.
The thuds got loud, and then an arm stretched in through the corner. I could feel hair prick upright on my neck. Knives.

'Mike, this way.' He followed me to the kitchen and we found a handful of knives hanging on a magnetic strip. We took them.
'Let me out, Joe.'

He moved away from the door, and I covered my mouth. Outside the girl saw me, she charged mouth open and screaming. It took two hard thrusts to drop her, blood sprayed back on my hand. Nothing could have prepared me for that, blood on thy hands literally. Her red eyes deflated, but she wasn't done. She wrapped her long fingers around my neck. I pulled my leg up and blasted my heel against her gut and she fell off the knife.

1 ) Whose arm is it, and around (not "through") what corner is it stretching? 2 ) What exactly triggered Ross's epiphany? The context points to the arm, but Ross doesn't seem to be the kind of person whose thought process immediately links arms to knives. 3 ) You should make it very clear who is saying the first piece of dialogue. 4 ) Who said the second piece of dialogue? 5 ) I thought the kitchen was a separate room. Did he yell "Let me out, Joe" from another room, or what? You didn't even say that he turned away from the knives, let alone exit the kitchen. 6 ) Why does Ross cover his mouth? 7 ) Did the window break? Is the door open? How could the girl just suddenly charge and encounter no obstacles? 8 ) Why wasn't Ross prepared for blood? He was stabbing someone, after all. 9 ) The girl charged, right? So Ross stabbed her from the front. But you can't kick someone with your heel unless your back is to them. So what's going on there? Does Ross have a deformed leg?

As you can see, I had quite a lot to say about that bit. But this wasn't the only place; these little logic/syntax breakdowns are evident throughout this and other chapters, though they did balloon here quite a bit. There is, however, one panacea that will always subdue these errors: description. Describe your surroundings before you send your characters careening through settings in which the reader doesn't even know whether a door is open or closed. These details are important. Never underestimate that.

But there are times when loads of description isn't such a great thing: namely, action scenes. The writing in action scenes should be as fast-paced as the event being described; otherwise, the reader sees only boring superficiality in the scene. The goal of action scenes is to keep readers on their toes, yeah? Anxious to find out what happens next? It should be nice and easy to read, too: recognizing consecutiveness is extremely important where action is concerned. Obvious, yeah? It would seem so - and then I come across paragraphs like this.
Mike was gone. The blades danced about, Joe didn’t stand a chance. The incision was as swift as a cat’s paw swipe. It came through his throat with a red spray and Janey let out a scream and turned into Claire, he was crouched and ready to pull her away. Mike knocked the shotgun clear and pounded at Joe's chest with the knives until he dropped.

McGregor’s eyes were shining red, he bared his teeth and in a lunge, he was on Mike. He wrapped him with arms and legs. I saw his lips peel back. Then his mouth closed on Mike’s neck. I was up drawing the knife back, then driving it forward. It was hard to break through the layer of leather and clothes and skin, into the flesh. After the first jab, I leaned on the handle pushing it deeper. I pulled his red hair back and with his head came a mouthful of Mike's bloody flesh. I pulled the knife from his back and ran it across his neck pressing hard until his body became rigid against mine and his grip loosened.

This is about as far away from easy to read as Kenya is from Antarctica. It is replete with long, run-on sentences, which even in themselves are boring to read, but when juxtaposed beside another of its kin and shoved into an action scene, you could just as well be speaking Italian; the reader won't grasp a word you're saying.

Another reason why this mitigates how action-y this little skirmish could be is that you're constantly mentioning characters that aren't even taking part in the struggle. The trick to making it readable is to keep things relevant; the reader is only interested in things that are going on inside the battle, and anything else will through them off-path.

And that will be it. I'm getting pretty close to finishing, aren't I? Exciting.

Keep up the good work.

-Kafka
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Sat Jan 07, 2012 8:17 pm
Rydia says...



Remember me? You quite possibly don't actually, what with it having been forever since I've been here :p But I might actually finish eviewing this today, wouldn't that be cool?

Specifics

1.
“What would you rather it be hot?” He said nodding at the big hooded A/C unit pumping cold air in from the back of the room.
Just a quick comment on grammar andd formatting! There should be a comma after 'what' and 'He' should have a small letter instead of a capital.

2. Sign-Posting:
Panic struck, I found myself mad again, an urge came and this time I could barely contain it.
I know that you want to present it as if these attacks come on suddenly but it feels awkward to just launch into it and 'panic struck' is too close to sign posting. Sign posting is where you very simply state what's happening or going to happen, it's like erecting a great big sign outside the church that says 'church here' and your reader is like 'uh huh, I can see that thanks'.

Try showing us instead Set up your narrator's thoughts all calm and ordinary and then boom, they switch around! You could have something along the lines of: 'I needed to find a way to soothe him and some of the craziest ideas swum around my head. Like music. Would music work? It was said to calm beasts when they were enraged and- no. A good punch to the chest was what he needed. What I needed. A good punch would take him down to size.' Obviously it's a little lame but you get the idea ;)

3. Good description of trying to cut the woman's throat and the emotions behind the act, I liked that.

4. Realism: That letter should be more professional. The use of 'MUST' was particularly out of place but in general the whole tone was off and it was too open. This is a letter concerning a very private project. Peeople are usually really careful not to document anything like that. A person's word is one thing but paper evidence? The letter should dodge around the issue a lot more. It should also be less ready to give explantions. I did work experience at a Magistrates court for a few days and they were so closed mouth to anyone 'outside' the case. Even lawyers or clerks who worked for them. Places like this work on a needs know basis.

5. How many times is he going to look at the missing glass before deciding to try and patch it up. Seriously? By now I'd have pushed a table up against it or tacked someone's shirt over it or anything.

6. Forged bravado or not, I'd take those boys. I'd take any person who raise a hand at all in a situation like that. Especially if I had a daughter to protect. You've shown us the base instincts of lust and rage but where's the instinct to protect one's family? The selfish willinness to sacrifice anyone who isn't them.

7. The tears on the cheeks is a bit too much in the scene with the kid's death. The way you dropped them in there it just felt too... uh. I'm not sure what the word for it is but until then you'd handled the grimy, realness of it very well and that just spoiled it a bit for me.

Overall

I keep waiting for some of your other characters to become more important and play a key part, like Mike did. But it's not hppening. The only reason I've put up with them so long is that I felt sure you had plans for some of them or were at least going to kill them off nice and quick. In a story like this, you need to get the characters who are just canon fodder out of the way quickly so you're not carrying their extra weight right to the end. Or better yet, don't have them to start with. There are just too many here who pop in for a line and then wander on out again to the point that I don't care in the least when you decide to kill one off. If there had been less people to concentrate on, the kid might have got enough of my attenion that I fel bad about him being dead but instead he's just collateral damage.

Other than that though, you've got some strong action and this is looking like a nice climax. I think come the end of this you'll have some over-hauling to do but the overall structure makes for an interesting plot.

Heaher xxx
Writing Gooder

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