Young Writers Society

Jas!

I know you said chapter two, but I'm going to start from the beginning. I didn't read all the reviews -though I noticed this has been thoroughly edited, so they seem to be comprehensive enough. With that in mind, I'm going to do things a bit differently and focus more on the story content itself and suggestions towards the content, and you'll get my reactions as a reader as I'm reading along ^^

It ended with a funeral.

Nice effective hook. The juxtaposition of starting the story at the "at the end of life" is clever.

She didn't look like she belonged here, with her feathery blonde hair and forget-me-not eyes, but rather on the stained glass windows, an angel hiding amongst humans.

Nice description, I felt for whatever reason it stood out from everything else. I'm wondering if you can switch the phrases around for a more clear transition. Something like:

"She didn't look like she belonged here, but rather on the stained glass windows, with her feathery blonde hair and forget-me-not eyes, an angel hiding amonst humans."

And there was me, standing on the side, head tilted, watching my family mourn my dead body.

I loved this line. Very spooky. The head-tilted thing reminded me of a parrot. Or a puppy. Just so innocent.

So far so good. I felt the descriptive passages weren't too bogged down, which is good. And they do reveal hints of characters here and there. My immediate impressions: Dad's neat, mom's a mess (we can't blame her), and Lucy seems beautiful. And they're all very sad.

This kind of reminds me of Lovely Bones. Not sure if you read it or not, but if you hadn't yet - you'll find it a great read!

"For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day."

Period at the end of this quote, no comma.

A choked sob broke out of my mother and Angelina was fervently whispering...

Who is Angelina again? *looks up* Oh, yeah, the one she envied. Wait, but is she a cousin? aunt? She was listed among family, *shrugs* Just be careful introducing so many names at once. With Angelina's second mention, you can add how she is related to the MC (just a suggestion) - bits and pieces like that will help situate the reader.

Ok, so what wasn't bogged down at the beginning is now bogged down by descriptions of more friends and more family, and the church.

and I felt a raw, aching burn in my stomach,

Hmm... burns are not associated with aching? Burns sting. Stomach burns, I've never experienced, but I would imagine it wouldn't ache, would it?

I felt light comma and a million and two memories shot through my head

Suddenly the world had been taken off my shoulders, an eighteen year old Atlas and I was going to grab them both and tell them so much until the church bells rang three times and I remembered why Tyler was here, why Nina was here, why I was here, why everyone was here-

This part here feels like it needs a bit of revising. It sounds confusing. However, I do like the Atlas imagery. Effective for a first chapter? I would say yes. I do want to know more about how the character died - and who the main character is, was a name mentioned? *looks up* Oh, so Chloe, then. I must've not caught that as I was reading. My suggestion is to accent/emphasize it somehow, the MC's name gets lost in the sea of all the other's names xD

I also want to know the direction this will take. Will it be a story about what lies *beyond* or will it tell the story backwards, going through Chloe's life since she's died. So, for that, I am curious.

Would have liked more action or at least some sort of character revelation. None of us here have experienced our own deaths, I can safely say xD So how would it feel emotionally? What would be going through Chloe's thoughts? I think that is more interesting - rather than a bunch of summaries of the people in the funeral.

Anyways, forwards and onwards. I'll do the next chapter.

~ As always Audy

Okay, here I am as requested. And I'm not sure why, I mean you have had some damn good reviewers here, and I haven't read them all so I may repeat what they say. Let's begin.

So this doesn't belong here, it belongs on real pages. It's so close to being publishable, but the small errors that occur are so jarring that it throws the reader, abandons them mid sentence.

I will begin with the intro. The hook. It really wasn't good enough. A few others have praised you for your opening line, for me it was a dripping cliché. I have read this intro a hundred times, and it is no longer effective. With this story, you have an opportunity to open with a stunning first line, something that sends the breath back down my throat, something so powerful, so well constructed that the reader can't ignore it. It will take some time to get this right, trial and error, trial and error, but when you get it right it will all be worth it.

The intro itself needs to be longer, that is to say, you need to introduce a little more. The first time I read this, I stopped, I didn't get past the first few lines. I regret it now, of course, but that's one thing that will stay with me. The fact that the intro was so weak that I didn't give the rest of the story a chance. I think it was all the perfect's. I think you should rewrite the intro a few times, but do it completely different each time. So for instance, try addressing the reader directly or try a description of the roof of the church, as though the narrator is still looking through their own eyes. I don't know, like I said trial and error.

Now for the characters. This is perhaps your strong suit. The thing that impressed me, the thing that influenced me, the thing I will remember later today is the character. It's truly effortless and I applaud you. Even well established writers fail to subtly place character descriptions. But there isn't one line in this story that is solely devoted to character description -- with exception to the introduction. Every thing I know about these characters was induced passively. I know the narrator had strong feelings towards the boy, I know the mother is overly protective and a little genteel. I know the father has an attention to detail, don't ask me how I know these things, but I do. That is the beauty of this piece. Don't lose that, don't force it, just keep it natural and you will be grand.

The plot. This is lacking. I would call this a prologue because it sets a premise, it eventuates the narrative, it begins the story but doesn't actually take us closer to the end -- if that makes sense? Because nothing is said, there is no action and only a little conflict. I think you can remedy this by adding an internal conflict. Make the narrator a little confused, because she seems perfectly comfortable with death. The only feeling we get is the jackhammering heart. Make her unearthly and cold. She is distant, but too distant, as though she can't acknowledge her feelings. I think you need to start the story off here, it is strong enough, only just, because the characters are so full already. But you really must foreshadow the forthcoming drama. The matter of the death itself isn't even touched upon, and in a way I like this, but for most readers it will be an afterthought, it will be a 'Oh, gee, I wonder how she actually died.' It isn't at the forefront where perhaps it should be. I can only speculate as to where this is going, to me it reads a little like the lovely bones, so I assume the denouement comes somewhere around the discovery of the narrators death, her best friend falls in love with the boy, and she can finally pass? I don't know, I really don't, but the story better start soon because character alone isn't enough to carry a novel.

The writing itself is wonderful, full of description, you paint a really clear picture and have a firm grasp on the language. There is no slip in the narrative as far as word use goes, it is all pretty good.

my lips so red they looked coated in blood

Here is a rare slip. Consider this image. Consider how blood looks, lips can be blood-red, but coated in blood is an expression reserved for zombie thrillers, because blood runs and it isn't true to the image you wanted to evoke.

Aunt Ellie was crying, her shoulders shaking as she rubbed her swollen belly with one hand and squeezed Uncle Richard's hand with the other

This for me was undoubtedly the strongest line of the entire piece and really supports what I said about character. Here are two characters who seem unimportant but they get this piece of description -- I would say you introduce too many characters -- but you don't really commit too much of the story to them. What I am trying to say is, the way you introduce these two characters is so subtle, and so natural that they become part of the setting, yet now I know her aunty is pregnant, I know there names and that they are close. In the space of just a few words, so much information is induced, even the fact that your narrator is taking a moment to point this out, it really is a brilliant line.

They meant nothing and everything

cliché. But you have been good about avoiding clichés so it doesn't stick out too much.

The bittersweet taste of irony

Why? if you are going to talk about irony, make it clear what is ironic. Also bitter-sweet is a hideous cliché. One last nitpick, there was also a word towards the end, I can't find it now, but you made it up and you are so good with real words that I would urge you to stick to them.

JP

Okay, here I am as requested. And I'm not sure why, I mean you have had some damn good reviewers here, and I haven't read them all so I may repeat what they say. Let's begin.

So this doesn't belong here, it belongs on real pages. It's so close to being publishable, but the small errors that occur are so jarring that it throws the reader, abandons them mid sentence.

I will begin with the intro. The hook. It really wasn't good enough. A few others have praised you for your opening line, for me it was a dripping cliché. I have read this intro a hundred times, and it is no longer effective. With this story, you have an opportunity to open with a stunning first line, something that sends the breath back down my throat, something so powerful, so well constructed that the reader can't ignore it. It will take some time to get this right, trial and error, trial and error, but when you get it right it will all be worth it.

The intro itself needs to be longer, that is to say, you need to introduce a little more. The first time I read this, I stopped, I didn't get past the first few lines. I regret it now, of course, but that's one thing that will stay with me. The fact that the intro was so weak that I didn't give the rest of the story a chance. I think it was all the perfect's. I think you should rewrite the intro a few times, but do it completely different each time. So for instance, try addressing the reader directly or try a description of the roof of the church, as though the narrator is still looking through their own eyes. I don't know, like I said trial and error.

Now for the characters. This is perhaps your strong suit. The thing that impressed me, the thing that influenced me, the thing I will remember later today is the character. It's truly effortless and I applaud you. Even well established writers fail to subtly place character descriptions. But there isn't one line in this story that is solely devoted to character description -- with exception to the introduction. Every thing I know about these characters was induced passively. I know the narrator had strong feelings towards the boy, I know the mother is overly protective and a little genteel. I know the father has an attention to detail, don't ask me how I know these things, but I do. That is the beauty of this piece. Don't lose that, don't force it, just keep it natural and you will be grand.

The plot. This is lacking. I would call this a prologue because it sets a premise, it eventuates the narrative, it begins the story but doesn't actually take us closer to the end -- if that makes sense? Because nothing is said, there is no action and only a little conflict. I think you can remedy this by adding an internal conflict. Make the narrator a little confused, because she seems perfectly comfortable with death. The only feeling we get is the jackhammering heart. Make her unearthly and cold. She is distant, but too distant, as though she can't acknowledge her feelings. I think you need to start the story off here, it is strong enough, only just, because the characters are so full already. But you really must foreshadow the forthcoming drama. The matter of the death itself isn't even touched upon, and in a way I like this, but for most readers it will be an afterthought, it will be a 'Oh, gee, I wonder how she actually died.' It isn't at the forefront where perhaps it should be. I can only speculate as to where this is going, to me it reads a little like the lovely bones, so I assume the denouement comes somewhere around the discovery of the narrators death, her best friend falls in love with the boy, and she can finally pass? I don't know, I really don't, but the story better start soon because character alone isn't enough to carry a novel.

The writing itself is wonderful, full of description, you paint a really clear picture and have a firm grasp on the language. There is no slip in the narrative as far as word use goes, it is all pretty good.

my lips so red they looked coated in blood

Here is a rare slip. Consider this image. Consider how blood looks, lips can be blood-red, but coated in blood is an expression reserved for zombie thrillers, because blood runs and it isn't true to the image you wanted to evoke.

Aunt Ellie was crying, her shoulders shaking as she rubbed her swollen belly with one hand and squeezed Uncle Richard's hand with the other

This for me was undoubtedly the strongest line of the entire piece and really supports what I said about character. Here are two characters who seem unimportant but they get this piece of description -- I would say you introduce too many characters -- but you don't really commit too much of the story to them. What I am trying to say is, the way you introduce these two characters is so subtle, and so natural that they become part of the setting, yet now I know her aunty is pregnant, I know there names and that they are close. In the space of just a few words, so much information is induced, even the fact that your narrator is taking a moment to point this out, it really is a brilliant line.

They meant nothing and everything

cliché. But you have been good about avoiding clichés so it doesn't stick out too much.

The bittersweet taste of irony

Why? if you are going to talk about irony, make it clear what is ironic. Also bitter-sweet is a hideous cliché. One last nitpick, there was also a word towards the end, I can't find it now, but you made it up and you are so good with real words that I would urge you to stick to them.

JP

It isn't often a novel ends up on the front of this site, so I knew this probably had to be either really good or something stupidly hyped like "Twilight." I was glad that this was the first! Seriously, I really liked this. Your tone, your outlook on the people around you, and the developing ideas that form through this (along with the fact that it really hasn't developed in a particular direction yet) all make this really interesting to read. I'll definitely try to keep up with your next chapters.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Beautiful Had me holding my breath.
Consider me a new follower.

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review!

And there was me, standing on the side, head tilted, watching my family mourn my dead body.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction because conjunctions connect sentences together. Conjunctions include: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. In this case replace and with then. What is your main character standing on the side of? The aisle? Pew? His/her own casket?

The casket was pearly white with red velvet lining and I felt claustrophobic just looking at it.

This doesn't flow well; I think you need to replace the and after lining with a semi-colon (;).

It was an open-casket funeral and I looked plastic and fake, but not like a Barbie doll, even with my hair done in pretty curls and my lips so red they looked glossed in blood.

There needs to be a comma after funeral because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I looked more like a corpse that some poor, unfortunate soul had filled with embalming fluid so I didn't begin to decompose during the funeral, which is exactly what I was.

There needs to be a comma after fluid because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction so.

A pang of envy ran through me as I noticed, even then, even there, she was more beautiful than any one person has the right to be.

Because you are writing in past tense, it should be had after person.

There were others, cousins and aunts and uncles, grandparents from both sides and my godmother and her family. My boss and co-workers, the librarians at school, most of my teachers, the principal, my coach and all of my team mates, some strangers, some acquaintances, some people I hadn't seen in years.

The second sentence isn't a complete sentence because there is no verb. I suggest either adding a verb or replace the period after family with a comma and lower case the m in my.

They meant nothing and everything to me and it hurt so much to realize that I had been loved by all these people.

There should be a comma after me because you are combining two complete sentences with the verb and.

His eyes had a certain glassy look, like he was about to cry and his fingers gripped the podium tightly as he begun to speak in English again.

Add a comma after cry because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

A choked sob broke out of my mother and Angelina was fervently whispering along to the priest, clutching a long strand of rosary beads in her hand, pushing bead by bead as she said each 'Amen'.

There should be a comma after mother because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

His mother was patting his knee, a worried, sad look on her face, glancing at him and Nina and recognizing the similarities between her children.

Replace the and after Nina with a comma.

He swallowed and I could tell he was tasting regret as well.

There should be a comma after swallowed because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

The green of her iris' were vivid against the smoky eye shadow and thick mascara that coated the edges of her eyes, streaking down her face with black tears and I remember 7th grade when we tested whether our make-up really was water-proof.

Replace the and after tears with a semi-colon (;), so this will flow better

The bird sang and there was silence except for the bird's voice, low and clear, mourning in it's own way.

add a comma after sang because you are combining two complete sentences together with the conjunction and.

Then it stopped, the bird flew away and it seemed like everyone woke up, my father staring at the window long after the bird had gone.

The comma after stopped should be a semi-colon, and there should be a comma after away. The comma after up should be a semi-colon.

My eyes flicked back to Nina and Daniel and Aiden and Amber and then they stopped and looked back, noticing something that wasn't there before, like an inch of fabric revealed with simple stitch work.

I felt light and a million and two memories shot through my head of us all and I really missed them for a minute.

There should be a comma after all because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I really liked this. Other than the grammatical errors I didn't find anything I disagreed with. Please let me know when the next chapters are coming.

wonderland wrote:Alright, so, that was a good start, and I'm interested to see where you're going to go with it.
To me, tough, it felt kind of short, and there was only detail. It seemed too detail and description heavy, even though you did it beautifully.
My advice would be to break it up, maybe add some whispered dialouge, between friends or family. That way you don't weight down the reader with too much description at one time.
I like your idea, though, with the dead person narrating. I'm excited to see the background, and what happened, or wherever you decide to go.

~WickedWonder

I agree. The work is heavy in detail but is beautifully written. I feel there's far too much explanation and with a bit of dialogue, it would be perfect.

It ended with a funeral.

Good opening line. Simply, straight-forward, defining.

I like the idea of the repetitive beginnings to the opening paragraphs - "There was", but the phrasing itself seems off. It's verging on being awkward, but it's not quite there yet.

You create the atmosphere of a funeral well. I've been to a few funerals and they're all similar to the one you've created here. The emotion is laced well through the different faces she can see. I wish I could give some sort of pointer towards this, but you've done a good job and there isn't much to comment on.

When you introduce some characters, you don't fully introduce them. You're throwing around names like "Lucy" (who i assumed to be her sister), and "Aiden" and "Tyler", but you don't really explain who they are. I haven't read ahead, so if you explain who they are later or this is being used for effect, then don't pay attention to this. But if not, I would explain who they are, throw in a hint or two at least.

I wish I had more pointers or more to say, but I truly enjoyed this and I'm excited to see where it's headed. You have a good writing style that leads way to beautiful description and well-rounded characters. I know you didn't want nitpicks, so I didn't include any, but there wasn't anything to really nitpick at anyway. I shall try to review the next chapter soon!