Young Writers Society

Interesting. I especially like the ending. "They think it is obscene. I think it is a work of art." I like how his opinion clashes so much with his "friends" Its so interesting because they are talking about screwing people and he is trying not to get engaged in the conversation. Yet, what there speaking is "obscene." And Robert isn't necessarily voicing his options about girls and screwing them. They have dirty minds AND mouths while his, in comparison, isn't nearly as bad.
Very good work. I liked how real the character was and how engaging the story became because of his excellent voice. When the friends came in it was a little confusing but not to much, It only took a second to see what was going on. I'm wondering something, is he in love with a childhood sweetheart that is launching all of these feelings? Is that why he went back? Why did he go back in the first place? Anyway just some things to think about. Loved the story over all though.
Keep writing!
~Berlyn Rae

This is a bit unrealistic. People who watch porn do not imagine that the bimbos and loser men in the films are doing it just for them. People look at porn because they're horny and sexually frustrated and knowing that REAL women do not give themselves up so easily they go to the only source for instant self graitfication..PORN.

I get that this individual is a bit disturbed, but it just didn't come off as being realistic. I can't ever see Ted Bundy ever thinking in such a way as you portrayed this individual.

But other than that it was moderately an okay read.

Ahiya there Aj
First off all can i ask you, what age is this guy? And is there actually something up with him or is he just the average randy teenager?
I like this though don't get me wrong and obviously the title is going to get attention, very clever I like how honest it is and how brutal and how it's not the average thing to find on yws. Not that it shouldnt be found here, I see absolutly no problem with it. Sex is probably one of the most popular topics in our culture.

When someone flashes you, they think of me. Those people who screw for £200 are, in their fragile little skulls, thinking of me. Barack Obama’s wife must lust over me every sleepless night she has. Every Asian, African or any other race wants to be with me. Your ex-wife probably left you to have sex with me. The sluts only appear in those films to imagine themselves screwing me.

Hehehe I like this but explain it to me, does he think he's god?
Anyway I'm intrigued, I am now going on to read chapter two

Katie

Hey, SnowBerry here, thanks again for participating in my contest and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to review this piece of work, but better late than never.

First off, I like the title (if thats what you want to call it) it sets a nice tone to the piece.

So I am probably the most stereotypical feminist on the planet. I was a vegetarian for three years and I attend the gay rights parade in Boston and new York every year, so coming with a viewpoint where woman are the ones who run the world and when men take over, well, the raise our national debt by a few trillions, I rather enjoyed this piece. Surprised? I was a little to, it’s fantastically written, I curse like a sailor in the real world so why the hell can’t we write like one as well? That’s just my opinion.

Your ex-wife probably left you to have sex with me.

This line made me laugh

My hands are cramped from the endless typing, trying to unravel a brand new scene in my mind. Looping over and over again, the slideshow of some lifeless blonde girl, about 19, prevents my sleep.

I really liked the descriptions and slight use of metaohors within these lines, but my favorite thing was when you used the word slideshow instead of picture or some other word horribly overused.

It forces my to think up my own fantasy

I didn't read every review so I don't know if people already told you about these tiny errors but I am just going to list them. The first my should be me.

Some nights it happens automatically. Other nights don’t happen at all.

I think this line or lines would flow better if you said something along the lines of "Some nights it happens automatically, while other nights it doesnt happen at all" just an idea.

I loved the comment about George Orwell and I liked that you added some dialog to your story, it made it seem real. I do think you could have made the speech a little more direct and real like, I still thought overall you did a very good job. Also, I loved how you let us see what beauty really is to the narrator through is art, well done!
I hope my review helped.
~SnowBerry