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Dream Catcher - Prologue



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Fri May 23, 2008 1:19 am
DC622 says...



prologue/inside cover...

My mind racing, heart pounding, legs begging for rest. The darkness that consumed me whole scared me to death. It’s like drowning in the ocean, you don’t know what’s up or down.
No one is there, no one is behind me I thought. But I knew there was someone, there always is. That’s how it happens, usually. Darkness, fear, nothingness. A nightmare is like that, right? Yes, it is. I have been in thousands, millions maybe!
I know what your thinking…what the hell is he talking about? That’s exactly what I thought when I heard what I am. What I have to do. I’m a Dream catcher. No not a little Indian thing you hang next to your bed, a human. Well close to a human.
I go through dreams, but more likely nightmares. I’m the thing that wakes you up. You know when your about to fall off a cliff and you burst awake? That’s all me. I make it so you don’t have to endure the pain of death. The torture of facing what you know is an absolute in a human life.
But when I do get to go to a dream I’m the thing that lets you sleep that last five minutes. I add that little something that makes your day. Dreams are pretty much the only reason I still want to be alive. Like I have a choice.
Nightmares are the in between. Dreams are the place you want to end up. I see the things that you don’t want to, and don’t get the chance to. I protect you from the pain and give you the paradise, the heaven of your dreams. No pun intended.
But something is happening. Something is coming into my world. I’m losing control of the dreams and even worse the nightmares. It’s creeping into the dream world. I don’t know what it is or what it’s doing. I just know that I don’t want it here and you shouldn’t either.
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 1:28 am
Snoink says...



*Moved to Other Fiction*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 1:59 am
lyrical_sunshine says...



DC622 wrote:prologue/inside cover...

My mind racing, heart pounding, legs begging for rest. (this is a fragment - which isn't necessarily bad, just thought I'd let you know )The darkness that consumed me whole scared me to death. It’s like drowning in the ocean, (semicolon, not comma) you don’t know what’s up or down.
No one is there, no one is behind me I thought (thoughts should be in italics). But I knew there was someone, (semicolon) there always is. That’s how it happens, usually. Darkness, fear, nothingness. A nightmare is like that, right? Yes, it is. I have been in thousands, millions maybe! (I think the "Yes it is" isn't necessary.)
I know what your (you're) thinking…what the hell is he talking about? That’s exactly what I thought when I heard what I am. What I have to do. I’m a Dream catcher. No not a little Indian thing you hang next to your bed, a human. (Hm...little Indian thing...maybe you should rephrase that... "a woven Indian decoration"? I don't know) Well (comma) close to a human.
I go through dreams, but more likely nightmares. I’m the thing that wakes you up. You know when your about to fall off a cliff and you burst awake? That’s all me. I make it so you don’t have to endure the pain of death. The torture of facing what you know is an absolute in a human life.
But when I do get to go to a dream I’m the thing that lets you sleep that last five minutes. I add that little something that makes your day. Dreams are pretty much the only reason I still want to be alive. Like I have a choice.
Nightmares are the in between. Dreams are the place you want to end up. I see the things that you don’t want to, and don’t get the chance to. I protect you from the pain and give you the paradise, the heaven of your dreams. No pun intended.
But something is happening. Something is coming into my world. I’m losing control of the dreams and even worse the nightmares. It’s creeping into the dream world. I don’t know what it is or what it’s doing. I just know that I don’t want it here and you shouldn’t either.


Ooh, what a great idea! This is exciting, I hope you continue! Everything I commented on was mostly technical, you have a good grasp of description and voice. Congratulations!

Oh, and P.S., the policy on YWS is that you have to post I think five reviews before you post your own work. :D So go read!

And welcome! I'm Sunny - guess I should have added that first, lol.
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 1:01 pm
Azila says...



Hello, and welcome to the YWS! Please excuse me if my review is harsh--sometimes it just comes out, lol.

Anyway, nitpicks first:

The darkness that consumed me whole scared me to death.
--I know that this sentence actually does make sense, but the first time I read it I couldn't understand it. After a few re-reads, I get it now. Maybe try changing it so "...that consumed my whole body..." or just "...that consumed me..." Also, can this character die? It sounds to me as though he's an immortal. *shrug*

No one is there, no one is behind me I thought.
--Like Sunnny said, this should be italic... or part of it should, anyway. The rules for italicizing thoughts are the same for putting quotes around speech. So it would look like this: No one is there, no one is behind me, I thought. (Notice I added a comma)

I have been in thousands, millions maybe!
Eew! Get rid of the exclamation point! If you use too many it makes your writing seem all weird! Even if you just use one, but misuse it! See! I'm doing it, and it's annoying! ^_~

No not a little Indian thing you hang next to your bed, a human. Well close to a human.
The punctuation here is awkward. maybe try something like: "No, not a little Indian thing you hang next to your bed -- a human. Well, close to a human." (I added a comma after "no," a dash after "bed," and a comma after "well")

You know when your about to fall off a cliff and you burst awake?
There should be a comma after "know."

I just know that I don’t want it here and you shouldn’t either.
Ooh! great cliffhanger/foreshadowing! I just think you should add a comma after "here."
__________________

Overall impressions.

I'm kind of confused by the method of beginning. You sort of do a chase-scene beginning and you also do an info-dump beginning.

Definitions:
--Info-dump: Exactly what the name says; a dump of information. This could be a long bout of description, history, character outline... whatever. Usually they are frowned upon, especially as a beginning. (I don't really mind them usually, but they mother a lot of people)
--Chase-scene: This one's pretty obvious. The MC (main character) is being chased by something/someone. This, too, is frowned upon to have as a beginning just because it's cliché. It's not that bad if it's done well, though.

So, you combine the two. In a way, he's being chased ('cause he's in a nightmare) and in a way, you're info-dumping ('cause he's telling us about himself, his life, and his work). You need to choose one or the other and stick with it. I suggest starting with the info-dump, because --though a chase is an intriguing start-- I find the information more interesting. Why? It's your plot! This is a prologue, so let it tell us all about the setting/characters, even if it is an info-dump.

If you really want to include the chase scene, I suggest making it italicized and a separate little section, separated by asterisks (These things -->**) or dashes, or something.


Another issue for you is commas. Remember: put a comma pretty much wherever you would pause while talking. (Some people even call them "half-stops" and periods "full-stops"). It will help if you read your writing out loud, or under your breath; that way you can really hear the intonation.

Also, I know we don't really know your character yet, but please give us something to know about him later on. What I mean by that is please give him an interesting personality. So far, he seems interesting... but only because of what he is -- not WHO he is. You know what I mean? Try giving him quirks: likes, dislikes, pros, cons... everything. Remember that nobody is perfectly evil, and nobody is perfectly nice either.


Your plot is interesting to me, and I really, REALLY want to read on. Would you mind PMing me when you post more? For that matter, also PM me if you have any questions/comments about my critique.

Again, I apologize if this was too harsh--I actually did like it a lot. *proves her sincerity by giving you a gold star* :D

Hope this helps.
~Azila~
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 1:57 pm
mandy92 says...



Man this piece actually gave me goose bumps. Beyond all of the mistakes that Azila has pointed out, it was good. You just need to touch it up a bit and it'll be perfect. :wink: I really liked it alot.

Great story, keep it up.

Let me know if you writer anything more than what you've already written.

~Mandy~ :D :D :D
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 2:34 pm
DC622 says...



Thank you guys so much! It's okay if critiques are harsh I want harsh! (there I go with !!!!). I have a few chapters written up, but I'll only post one at a time. The idea for each chapter is that he/she (which one? I'm going with "he" I think) is in a new nightmare/dream. I'll post the next chapter after this post.
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 2:38 pm
DC622 says...



tension

The clock to my right was striking midnight. It was dark and I was alone with my dreamer. Before I decide to wake her up I need to know if she’s in danger. I was just observing while the dreamer was walking down a stone path. She seemed content but I could tell there was fear hidden behind her mask.
She walked and walked. I didn’t sense any danger nearby or around any curves in the path. But as soon as I thought that a man passed me. He didn’t know I was there, I don’t affect the nightmare at all. He was wearing a black jacket, jeans, and boots that made faint clicks as he walked.
The girl knew he was there. She knew but she didn’t show it, she didn’t speed up or slow down, tense up or look behind her. I saw a flash of silver in the man’s hand. I looked harder and saw it was a dagger.
The girl stopped flat. She just stood there breathing calmly. I was confused. Usually they freak out, run, scream anything! But no she sat there and didn’t move.
I blinked and the man with the dagger was gone. He disappeared from my sight. The girl turned around and looked me straight in the eye. I was paralyzed. She walked toward me. I tried to do my thing and wake her up but nothing happened. She kept coming closer and closer, I tried to back away or get out but I couldn’t I was stuck in her dream.
When she got to me she leaned in and for a second I thought she was going to kiss me but she didn’t. All she did was whisper.
"You think you have control…but you don’t."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
///NOT STORY///
Please don't pay attention to italics and possible exclusion of "". This is copied and pasted from Microsoft Word so it doesn't show up here. DDx
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.
  





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Fri May 23, 2008 2:39 pm
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DC622 says...



Sorry for my third post in a row. I need to tell you that this would be the first real chapter. It's not that great but the next two I fell in love with, so please wait to be mega harsh for those. :-P
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.
  





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Sat May 24, 2008 3:36 pm
Ashlee says...



Wow. This is a very good prologue. It builds up the suspense with a little information then, BAM! It leaves you hanging. I think you have a pretty good grasp on what your writing. The story seems very interesting. I look forward to reading more. :D

~Best Wishes~
Ashlee :lol:
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Sat May 24, 2008 3:43 pm
Eimear says...



Hey DC622- welcome to YWS. This is a really promising start- the sort of voice that's always good in a prologue. I think I'm going to like reading this. Most of the other crits have outlined my main problems with it- it's a bit of an info-dump (I'd prefere a less is more approach) and I felt like you didn't make it clear enough to engage the reader's interest. You also switch tenses during the piece. Other than that, I'd be happy to read the upcoming chapters and give you my opinions.

Best wishes,

Eimear
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.
  





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Sat May 24, 2008 3:48 pm
DC622 says...



Thanks! I do switch tenses sometimes...sorry xP. But where do I do it in here? And about the info dump, I never planned on posting this until I found this awesome site so it was sort of just for me.
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.
  





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Sat May 24, 2008 3:49 pm
DC622 says...



Oh and I just posted the rest of the story that I've written so far check it out if you like this! You can call me DJ if you like.
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.
  








"What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
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