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Young Writers Society


An Alien World- Chapter 2



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Points: 1144
Reviews: 4
Tue Jan 03, 2012 9:43 pm
PersephoneMary says...



Chapter2: Nadira

My hair trailed out behind me as I ran. The red grass glided beneath my bare feet and branches caught my face, but I didn’t care. The tears were running down my face so fast I didn’t think about anything else. I was entering the clearing and headed straight for my fathers tent.
“Nadira, what’s wrong?” Chiyo called.
“I need to speak with my father.” Before she could stop me I marched into my father’s tent.
“Father!” He was not alone. Men accompanied him, but these men looked funny. They must be part of a tribe across the water. They wore funny clothes and one carried a machine of some sort. A long thin black thing with a long pole of the end.
“Nadira? Can this wait?”
“Father, the Chiyoko… I think it is dying.”
“Impossible. Nadira go and talk to Chiyo or something, the Chiyoko cannot be dying.”
“But I think it is. Its stem is turning black, and the leaves. Father the leaves are falling.”
“Very well. I will go and see it soon, but for now you must go. I am busy. Do not tell the people, we must be sure first.” I nodded, still out of breath and looked around at these new people who sat before me. Then I left the tent. Who were they? Did they have something to do with the Chiyoko dying? I decided there was nothing else for it. I had to listen in. I went around to the other sides of the tent, where I would not be seen and pressed my ear against the soft fabric.
“No. No I cannot allow it. You and your people must leave at once. This tribe has lived in peace for thousands of years with the surrounding peoples. We cannot afford another race of people among us. It will cause friction, and maybe war. You must understand that we can provide nothing for you here. You must go back to your world.”
“Please, sir, be reasonable. We would not be in the way. We would find somewhere secluded to build our lives. It would only take up a small portion of this forest. We could teach you so much, and if you had any compassion you would see that we have nowhere else to go.”
“You are right. But this forest is precious to us. You would cut down our trees, which we cannot let you do. We do not need, nor want your knowledge. And I have little compassion for things that I know could ruin my people. You must leave before nightfall.”
“Or what?”
“Commander?” a third voice joined in.
“Well come on, what are you going to do?” The voice grew louder.
“Commander, do not test me. You yourself have stated that you know very little of this world. I would advise you very harshly to think before you speak here. And do not dare make threats. Especially to me. You must leave now, or you will bear the consequences.” Okay. That wasn’t heated at all. I backed away and walked briskly over to Chiyo.
“Nadira? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything is fine.”
“You’re bleeding.”
“Oh.” I had cut my face on a branch when I was running to tell father.
“Here, let me.” She took an asha leaf and gently held it to my face.
“Thank you.”
“Who are they?” I turned around. The men were leaving my fathers tent with very discontented looks on their faces.
“Dunno. Another tribe maybe?” I left it there and my father exited the tent. He nodded at me and set off in the direction of the Chiyoko. I followed.
Mary x
  





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Gender: Female
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Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:12 am
creativityrules says...



Hello there! Rose here to review for Review Team Yellow again! I told you I'd be back, didn't I? :D

First, let me begin by saying I really like the names of your characters. Nadira is absolutely beautiful, and I like Chiyo as well. My favorite is definitely the name of the Chiyoko tree. It's easy to read and say, and it's very unique. Awesome job coming up with names! :D

Like your first chapter, I do feel that this is a tad short, but it's not a huge problem. Depending on what type of book you intend for this to be, it could be very fitting. I was going to suggest something when I read the first chapter, but somehow I forgot, so I'll suggest it now.

Have you thought of making this into a graphic novel? I'm not sure if you're interested in anime or art like it, but I think this could be really awesome as a graphic novel. I mean, even the title seems like something you'd imagine a graphic novel being named. It's just a thought. :D

Like I said when I reviewed the first chapter of this, I think it'd be much easier to read if you separated the paragraphs with an empty line. But, other than that, I don't really see much wrong with this, and I can't wait to read the next chapter!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  








If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates