Young Writers Society

Prologue
Six Years Earlier


Through endless trails of blustery waters, was the unwavering lighthouse. It was bright and welcoming then, with it’s light guiding the many travelers who would come to the prosperous Burnside, seeking wisdom in invention and machinery. Ships, now, were not ordinary ships of course, not sailing, but floating weightlessly in the air. Living inside it, was the eccentric inventers Alexandra and Victor Gearwell, with their only daughter, Linden.
While her father and mother busied themselves inventing the most wild and beautiful creations, Linden, would assist in managing the lighthouse. She would gaze coming ships during her spare time, making up stories about who the passengers were, sighing when ship floated away. Going to big cities, ones further west such as and Peddleston and Melodian, were the perfect places, she thought, to go have adventures. Linden, nine at the time, was looking out the lighthouse window with her mother.

“You know,” Said Linden to her mother, brushing her deep red hair out of her eyes “I bet that the people coming off that ship are really creatures in disguise!”

“Oh, don’t be silly” exclaimed Alexandra. “Come down with me to the workplace, I have something to give you. I do believe that today is someone’s birthday?”

Alexandra was a beautiful woman with shadowy red hair and haunting, yellow eyes, and Linden was a spitting image of her.

In the workplace, there were endless supplies or gears, wire, and other steam punk like gadgets. Linden’s father, Victor, hurriedly covered up a device he was making when Linden and her mother walked in. Victor was a very lofty man with dark hair and eyes.

“Linden,” said Victor “your mother and I have something we want to give you”
Cautiously, he pulled a bony, ornate key out of his pocket. It was on a long leather strap.

“This is a key for one of my old inventions,” he explained.

“It’s lovely father; for which invention?” Linden asked

A chilled, scared look, something she had never seen in her father, filled his eyes.

“I can’t say, but I really need you to have it for safe keeping”, he said, placing it over her head. “Happy Birthday, Lindy.”

“Victor”, whispered Alexandra, “I think we better contact, well, the others to transport the invention”


As soon as Linden’s parents descended up the stairs, a crashing, ear-splitting sound rang out and traveled to the workroom. She heard, gruff voices, asking where the “machine was”. The one that was the loudest was, almost, familiar, as if she had known its owner for a long time. Then she heard a loud cry from her mother:

“Hide, Linden!”

Linden, looking in all directions of the workroom, spotted the dumbwaiter that her parents used to transfer their more delicate inventions upstairs. Clutching the key around her neck, she leaped into the dumbwaiter, and closed down the door, not even daring to breath. Then, she heard something that changed her life forever, two scary, loud sounds, then hearing the stomping of boots going down the stairs:

“Well, don’t just stand there, find it!” ordered the familiar voice

“What about this “Linden fellow”?” asked a deep voice

“All we can worry about right now is that machine. Do you need to remember what happened last time we didn’t keep on schedule?”

Linden heard the stomps and shuffles of feet, knocking over and digging through her parents’ machines.

“Hey chief, we found it.”

The “chief” glided over from the bottom of the stairs and uncovered the device; the one Linden’s father had tried to hide from her.

“All, right then,” said the chief in a slightly happier voice, “Pull it up the stairs, and someone, please get rid of the “evidence”, we have to leave without a trace.”

But what about the “Linden”? Asked a new voice

“I told you, we already got to the two and have the invention, so I really don’t care”

Linden froze, almost to the point of being catatonic

“And what of the other inventors, we have to go steal from them.” exclaimed the chief

“They went off the grid, sir. Didn’t the Boss tell you?”

“What? They have the other piece, you idiot! We’ll have to find them!”

The last thing Linden heard was the marching of feet up the stairs, and than the slam of the door. Linden crawled out of the dumbwaiter and ran up the stairs. Her parents were gone. There was a single drop of blood on the floor. Seeing it; her torn apart house, the blood, she broke down and cried. Clutching the brass key around her neck, Linden vowed that one day, she would give those people what she deserved.

A year later, Linden received a letter with the seal of a gear and sword on the front, from “The Warriors of Devious Devices”. It was from “The Colleagues”. Linden, tears and anger consuming her, threw it away, not knowing, that when she was old enough, they would come to her, for she had the key that could destroy more than she knew.

Hello Webz.

Corrections:

Through endless trails of blustery waters, was the unwavering lighthouse.

The comma you inserted breaks up the sentence, creating an unusual pause and making it a choppy read. The comma is not needed.

It was bright and welcoming then, with it’s light guiding the many travelers who would come to the prosperous Burnside, seeking wisdom in invention and machinery. Ships, now, were not ordinary ships of course, not sailing, but floating weightlessly in the air. Living inside it, was were the eccentric inventers Alexandra and Victor Gearwell, with their only daughter, Linden.

The bold and highlighted commas are not needed.

Now, what is the 'it' you are referring to in the last sentence. "It" as in the lighthouse or "it" as in one of the floating ships. If you mean one of the ships then this does not flow correctly, your transition. In the sentence before you use ship in the plural form, following after is the word "it" which can only specify one thing. If you mean for the Gearwell family to live in a ship - singular - then you need to change the following sentence to where it is only speaking of one ship that flies.

I know that you mean for them to live in the lighthouse, having read ahead a small bit, - I am reviewing as I go along - but this is still incorrect. Since you mean for them to live in the lighthouse that needs to be said. Change "it" to "the lighthouse" or make "lighthouse" the last main subject you use because "it" will then refer to the lighthouse.



Understand?

While her father and mother busied themselves inventing the most wild and beautiful creations, Linden, would assist in managing the lighthouse. She would gaze at coming ships during her spare time, making up stories about who the passengers were, sighing when ship floated away.

In my correction I inserted the word "at" but it does not have to be that specific word.

“You know,” Said Linden to her mother, brushing her deep red hair out of her eyes, “I bet that the people coming off that ship are really creatures in disguise!”

The "S" needs to be lowercase and the highlighted comma should be inserted.

Alexandra was a beautiful woman with shadowy red hair and haunting, yellow eyes, and Linden was a spitting image of her.

In the workplace, there were endless supplies or of gears, wire, and other steam punk like gadgets.

Your commas, dear.

“Linden,” said Victor, “your mother and I have something we want to give you.”

Add that comma and insert a punctuation mark at the end of your sentence.

“It’s lovely father; for which invention?,” Linden asked.

“I can’t say, but I really need you to have it for safe keeping”, he said, placing it over her head.

This highlighted and bold comma was needed, yes, but it is in the incorrect place. It should be put inside the quotation marks, not outside.

“Victor”, whispered Alexandra, “I think we better contact, well, the others to transport the invention.”

This comma is in the same situation as the one in the quote above it.

She heard, gruff voices, asking where the “machine was”.

Bold and highlighted objects need to be removed.

If you still want the quotations put the actual question they ask in quotes - She heard gruff voices asking "where is the machine?"

The one that was the loudest was, almost, familiar, as if she had known its owner for a long time.

Commas are not needed.

Clutching the key around her neck, she leaped into the dumbwaiter, and closed down the door, not even daring to breathe. Then, she heard something that changed her life forever, two scary, loud sounds, then hearing the stomping of boots going down the stairs:

The comma needs to be removed.

I don't understand why you put a colon. The colon should be a period or perhaps even a ellipse.

“Well, don’t just stand there, find it!” ordered the familiar voice.

Exclamation point should change into a comma and be sure you put punctuation marks at the end of each of your sentences.

“What about this “Linden fellow”?,” asked a deep voice.

The quotations - the one already inside of what the man is saying - should only be around "Linden" and instead of " to indicate a quote use '.

Correction: "What about this 'Linden' fellow," asked a deep voice.

“All, right then,” said the chief in a slightly happier voice, “Pull it up the stairs, and someone, please get rid of the “evidence”, we have to leave without a trace.”

The bold and highlighted comma needs to be changed into a period.

But what about the “Linden”? Asked a new voice

Correction: "But what about the 'Linden'," asked a new voice.

“I told you, we already got to the two and have the invention, so I really don’t care”

Linden froze, almost to the point of being catatonic

“And what of the other inventors, we have to go steal from them.” exclaimed the chief

Punctuation needed at the end of all three of these sentences and the highlighted and bold period needs to be a comma.

The last thing Linden heard was the marching of feet up the stairs, and than the slam of the door.

Seeing it;, her torn apart house, and the blood, she broke down and cried. Clutching the brass key around her neck, Linden vowed that one day, she would give those people what she they deserved.

Those things with lines above/through them need to be taken out and the things in red, without the addition of bold, need to be added.

A year later, Linden received a letter with the seal of a gear and sword on the front, from “The Warriors of Devious Devices”.

Commas should be removed.

Linden, tears and anger consuming her, threw it away, not knowing, that when she was old enough, they would come to her, for she had the key that could destroy more than she knew.

Must I say it?



I must say, this might very well be the longest review I ever write. You overuse commas a lot, darling, creating unnatural pauses in your story. If you were to read through this out loud, and pause briefly as you should pause when reading a comma, then your story would sound broken. What's inside of a pair of commas should be able to be removed and still make sense, like the in sentence before this one. If I were to remove "and pause briefly as you should pause when reading a comma" that sentence would still be a coherent sentence and mean what I intended for it to mean.



Regular: "It was bright and welcoming then, with it’s light guiding the many travelers who would come to the prosperous Burnside, seeking wisdom in invention and machinery."

With the phrase inside the commas taken out: "It was bright and welcoming then, seeking wisdom in invention and machinery."

Corrected: "It was bright and welcoming then, with it's light guiding the many travelers who would come to the prosperous Burnside seeking wisdom in invention and machinery."

With the phrase behind the commas taken out: "It was bright and welcoming then."

Do you see what I mean?



I actually liked your story a lot, the concept and the plot. It is very interesting and I find myself wondering what happens to Linden. I want to know Linden's story and read about her journey.

Your story is not a bad story, particularly boring or bleak, it is just that you have a problem with commas and other forms of grammar. If my corrections are hard to understand please contact me with questions. I realize now I should have assigned a color for each type of correction, orange for removal and green for insertion. I will remember that in my next review.

Zoomie

I can't believe I missed this story until now. It seems really fascinating, you have such an interesting world here. However, I felt like your plot was...poorly delivered. I understand this is merely a prologue, something to set the scene of what the rest of the story is.

Your character feels a little overused.
Orphan-check
Parents with secrets connecting them to a mysterious organization-check
Entitled lifestyle-check.

I can pretty well guess what the character is going to be, but I'm going to hope you will surprise me.

Also, your plot progression felt a little weak. And again, overused.

"Oh no, it's my birthday and some mysterious people are killing my parents." How many times has that been used?

"I just saw my parents killed and my house destroyed and everything else in my life ruined. But I swear I'll get revenge!!!"

The only thing I have to say about it is at least there was some build up. Normally those kinds of things happen completely at random, at least your character's parents had an idea that it was going to happen.


And finally.

A year later, Linden received a letter with the seal of a gear and sword on the front, from “The Warriors of Devious Devices”. It was from “The Colleagues”.

Who's it from, the Order or The Colleagues? You say 'from' twice in that sentence. But that's probably a speed writing error, which I understand.