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The Eolaithe

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Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:54 pm
ThePowerOutage says...



So I have finally returned from the dark side and have started writing again, though admittedly not as well as before.
The Eolaithe (EE - OH - LAY - TH) is a Science Fantasy novel. Set In the future after the War Of Peace that sent the world back to the medieval ages, The Eolaithe is the story of Luarn, the last warrior of the Adar Clan and the bearer of the Adar Blade, a powerful Eolaithe sabre. The Eolaithe's is the name of the people that lived from 2078 AD until the War of Peace.
I plan to finish this novel, no matter how long it takes and how bad it is (I already know this first part is pretty bad.). Without further ado, i give you The Eolaithe.

Part I: A Promise
The warm dark liquid slowly ran down my arm, forming a reddish pool at my feet. It was remarkable how similar the wine looked to blood. I felt queasy at the thought of it. I slowly looked around, taking in my new home. I was at the top of a flight of stairs leading down to a grand ballroom. My sabre lay at my side. The sabre my father had entrusted me with as he took his last breath. I cringed as i recalled that painful day and my father’s dying words.

“Luarn, you are the last warrior of the Adar dynasty. Here, take my sabre, the mighty blade of the Adar Clan. The weight of the world now lies on your shoulders, so keep your head high my son”

I almost cried as I remembered him using every last ounce of strength left in his body to hand me his most prized possession, the legendary Adar Blade, a relic of the Old People with its purple force field that can cut through lead. Now it was my turn to carry its wait, to hold its burden.

“With this legendary blade, your enemies will fall at my hand, at the hand of the mighty Adar clan . I will avenge you!” Those words, spoken from the bottom of my heart have shaped the last five years of my life.

“I trust you, Luarn. Go make me proud. “His voice cut off as took his last breath. The memory made my think about everything I have lost to achieve this goal, the people I have left behind. I felt a pang of regrest as I remembered her. You have to move on, Louarn.

It was those words, that promise, that had lead my here, the castle of the Empress, my Greatest Enemy, the one who had used everything in her power to take everything away from me, the one who had killed my Father and captured my mother, the very bane of my existence. And now I had finally completed that goal. I was now the Emperor. The Empress had been brought to justice. What now? I slowly walked toward the Empresses favourite room. The room that held the secrets of those who lived before the War of Peace - The Eolaithe’s.
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Sat Sep 03, 2011 8:39 pm
sarebear says...



Hey there,

First of all, I really liked your opening sentence. I thought you were beginning with the classic "character is bleeding and near death" intro but I liked how you made the reader think that and actually used that to make a comparison between the wine and blood without saying so--nice, and not something I'd seen before. Which leads me to ask: why was there wine running down Luarn's arm onto the floor? Which leads me to my next remark that if you took the time to explain this, to expand on the first paragraph, then you could avoid having an info-dump in the second paragraph of your novel, which is a little too soon if you ask me. It's okay to have sappy sentimental stereotypical lines such as "Luke, I am your father" but not as the first thing your reader absorbs of your novel. It's a little off putting. Why not give us a descriptive intro that leads into the flashback slowly as opposed to abruptly. That being said, I have a few technical nitpicks for you:

I cringed as I recalled that painful day and my father’s dying words.


“I trust you, Luarn. Go make me proud." His voice cut off as took his last breath. The memory made my think about everything I have lost this seems like tense confusion... to achieve this goal, the people I have left behind. I felt a pang of regret as I remembered her. who? You have to move on, Luarn.


Who is this? Luarn talking to himself? Is this a one time thing, or does he often think thoughts out loud?

It was those words, that promise, that had led me here, to the castle of the Empress, my Greatest Enemy, the one who had used everything in her power to take everything it it is repetitive to use the word "everything" twice in a row away from me, the one who had killed my Father and captured my mother, the very bane of my existence. And now I had finally completed that goal. I was now the Emperor. The Empress had been brought to justice. What now? I slowly walked toward the Empress' favourite room. The room that held the secrets of those who lived before the War of Peace - The Eolaithe’s.


Alright. What I said before and those pretty much sum up my review. Hope this is helpful!

Sare
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.




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Sat Sep 03, 2011 8:51 pm
Twit says...



Hello!

The Eolaithe (EE - OH - LAY - TH) is a Science Fantasy novel. Set In the future after the War Of Peace that sent the world back to the medieval ages, The Eolaithe is the story of Luarn, the last warrior of the Adar Clan and the bearer of the Adar Blade, a powerful Eolaithe sabre. The Eolaithe's is the name of the people that lived from 2078 AD until the War of Peace.


It would be more appropriate if you put this on your novel page. ^_^


The warm dark liquid slowly ran down my arm, forming a reddish pool at my feet. It was remarkable how similar the wine looked to blood. I felt queasy at the thought of it. I slowly looked around, taking in my new home.


Given that the rest of this chapter has nothing to do with your first sentence, I’m wondering why it’s there. I mean, you start off with something that we think is going to be blood, and then it turns out to be wine. Okay. He’s made a mess with his wine. And? And then you start talking about something else entirely. The spilt wine is never explained or built upon and serves no real purpose.


I was at the top of a flight of stairs leading down to a grand ballroom.


Describing surroundings in this way reminds me of stories when a character materialises in a completely new setting. Presumably Luarn walked into the castle and to the top of the stairs, so he’d have a chance to take in the surroundings before this. I think a better place to start this would be at the door to the castle. After all, if he’s just become Emperor and entered the castle, starting at the door would be logical. *has Spock hat on*


I cringed as i recalled that painful day and my father’s dying words.


To me, “cringed” means embarrassed. You cringe when you remember that time you fell asleep in church, that time you belched at an important party—not when your father died.


Okay, I’m going to stop with the line-by-line here because most of the end applies to my overall impression.

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with this. I know that sounds mean, but it’s not meant to be mean, just to be helpful. To be blunt about it, I thought this was clichéd and melodramatic. A legendary blade with oodles of powerful force and a strange name, dead father, father’s dying words, son makes a promise and a vow and etc. I’ve seen it before.

What I did think was good was your beginning the story after all this happened and when Luarn has taken control and, in effect, completed his vow and all. So kudos on that—that was new. Therefore, I think you could probably cut out the clichés by starting the story when Luarn enters the castle and having him go straight to the room without any internal monologing about past events. Quite apart from anything, having a direct flashback in this way is clunky and extremely tell-y. You want to show your story, not tell it; showing is a lot more subtle and so seems more skilful, and it doesn’t patronise your reader.

On a final note, do please check your spelling. ^_^

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit
"Tv makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT




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Sat Sep 03, 2011 9:33 pm
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StellaThomas says...



Hey Power, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

The Eolaithe (EE - OH - LAY - TH) is a Science Fantasy novel.


Okay, I know this is just an author's note, but I hatehatehate when the author feels the need to give you a pronunciation guide. If the word's made up and that hard to pronounce, change the word. Or, just leave it and let us puzzle over it ourselves.

It was remarkable how similar the wine looked to blood.


Why is there wine running down his arm? Or is it actually blood? I'm confused.

I cringed as i recalled that painful day and my father’s dying words.


Capital I. Always proofread for these!

“Luarn, you are the last warrior of the Adar dynasty. Here, take my sabre, the mighty blade of the Adar Clan. The weight of the world now lies on your shoulders, so keep your head high my son”


Full stop at the end. Also, this is sort of an infodump, but more on that later...

“I trust you, Luarn. Go make me proud. “His voice cut off as took his last breath.


that last set of inverted commas are in the wrong place...

I felt a pang of regrest as I remembered her. You have to move on, Louarn.


regret.

II. OPENINGS

The thing is- where are you starting your story? Your character is... standing. How exciting. Worse, he's so bored in his standing that he has to reminisce, and if your character is bored you can bet that the reader will be bored too. So, what to do? My advice would be to change the structure of this. He's about to go face the Empress, right? Or if not, to go do something otherwise epically cool. But don't dive into the background straightaway. You've started the story at a certain point in time- why this point in time? Don't you ever wonder when a book opens with someone doing their grocery shopping, "Why do we care about this person doing their grocery shopping?" Make us care about your character and your situation from the very first page- and that starts by putting us smack bang in the middle of their present.

III. OVERALL

This could use a little work as a beginning- as background, it's okay, but that's just it- background doesn't make a beginning. I think this would be well suited somewhere else in your story :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stellen: Doctor-in-Training, Writer, Baker, and Social Archaeologist" -RachaelElg

"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Sat Sep 03, 2011 11:36 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hi! From your description this sounded really interesting, so I'll do my best to review! I'm not going to repeat any of the grammar corrections the other reviewers made, because it will be pointless. Just be sure to edit.


I cringed as i recalled that painful day and my father’s dying words.

“Luarn, you are the last warrior of the Adar dynasty. Here, take my sabre, the mighty blade of the Adar Clan. The weight of the world now lies on your shoulders, so keep your head high my son”


This I thought lacked good imagery. How did your father die? I imagine him kind of laying on the ground after a battle wound and talking to his son. You can really use description to make this more dramatic. Did it sound like his words were causing him strain? Was he in so much pain he was only allowed to whisper them? Did his eyes look heavy or unfocused? Any kind of description would help.

I almost cried as I remembered him using every last ounce of strength left in his body to hand me his most prized possession, the legendary Adar Blade, a relic of the Old People with its purple force field that can cut through lead.


Lead actually isn't very strong, which makes this sword seem weak to me.

Now it was my turn to carry its wait, to hold its burden.
should be weight

Those words, spoken from the bottom of my heart comma have shaped the last five years of my life.


So now that all the nitpicks are out of the way... I thought this felt like a good start. I was definitely excited while reading your intro, it felt like something I could get into easily. So I think this story has a lot of potential. But it does need some work.

First, I think proofreading is a big part of it. There are just small mistakes that I think were overlooked. Proofreading only takes a few minutes, and can save much time for yourself and other reviewers.

The ending confused me. I had no idea what you were talking about with the Empress or the woman your character was so sad about. It felt like I came into the story mid-way and had no idea what was going on. But this is a first chapter xP

Since this was pretty short, that's all I really had to say. I hope this was constructive! If you have any questions, just let me know :)
Have an awesome day,
black
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The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:13 pm
NightStormxd says...



This is really good.
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!

Fly On~ Raven