Young Writers Society

Home » Forums » Read / Write » Novels » Science-Fiction Novels

Destiny's Call: Chapter Four

Topic locked
User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 700
Reviews: 11
Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:02 am
GeneralKaseyDaBomd says...



(this chapter is confusing and the time switches strangely.)

Chapter Four
The Beast Inside
11 years ago; A year after Lightning Prime’s death

There was barely a trickle of light here, only the distant constellation that housed the spirits of good cast light on the dimly lit plains. She trudged through the blood sodden land for many hours and hadn’t seen a single soul; her mission was beginning to feel futile. She felt the pang of revenge even more than she felt the biting hunger that burned at her body with every step.
She had to find a host soon before even her spirit died away and she passed on to the Eternity where there was nothing but a suffocating darkness that swallowed you whole.
Then she saw it, the clearing where the spirits of the evil gathered around a pool of blood to find their next host. Their only visible features were their glowing optics and their faint outlines. She broke into a run despite the aching in her legs. They called to her as they watched her approach.
“Thunderstorm,” their leader meowed softly, adding in a whisper, “Never mind the boys; they’re getting restless.”
Thunderstorm let out an angered sigh as she watched the rest of the spirits snarl in frustration on the banks of the pool, slamming their huge paws into the pool of blood and sending splatters over their armor, “Aren’t there any hosts left?”
The spirit looked away, “No… what we need is a big war. There are several of us in this realm, enough to create a small army, who are starving and weakening because of the shortage. Soon we’ll all die off and leave this world to the Eternity. Even such soldiers as us can’t imagine being eating alive by the Great Darkness.”
Thunderstorm thrust her head to the pool, “Any dead?”
“A few,” he shrugged, “but I can see you’re willing to risk it.”
She felt satisfaction run deep through her legs, giving her the feeling of being able to run forever. Although it could take years, Thunderstorm knew that in the process she’d be removed from the burdens her accursed body caused, the pain, the hunger, and the ever present thought of the Eternity. She was aware of the spirits watching her as she dipped her ragged paw in the pool. An image of a dead Autopaw formed in the pool, clear as the moon that she’d died from the horrid wound in her left side, “An Autopaw!” she shouted angrily, “You expect me to carry out my revenge in the body of an Autopaw!”
The spirits looked at their leader with doubt when he didn’t answer.
“Look, Dozer,” she took a step towards him, “I have faith in you, but this has gone too far. I need to get to where my brother is. An Autopaw will be shot down many miles from Kaon.”
Dozer shuffled his paws and narrowed his optics, “It’s not my decision to make, but think about this. It could take many more years, but you could alter her armor and features to look like yours.”
Thunderstorm fiddled with the charm on her collar, feeling the carving of her name in the little piece of her brother that she had left. It was a small piece of his chest armor that she had carved into the shape of the swirl mark under his optics. She gripped it harder as she replied, “That would be better and it’s worth it in the end.”
Dozer nodded lightly and swallowed down his worry as Thunderstorm padded cautiously into the pool of blood and ripple the image of her host. A blinding light covered her gaze and she was lifted into the air, light as a feather. Her limbs began to fall limp as she felt her spirit being removed from her body and transferred into the new one. Suddenly, pain like a million wounds struck her like lightning and she willed the pain to go away. Her legs felt strong and her hunger vanished into dust, but the everlasting agony continued.
She cried out as the pain intensified to an extreme and she grit her teeth so hard she felt them break. Her claws unsheathed in instinctive reflex and she heard a deep voice mutter in his head, voids as bottomless as abyss, nightmares deep, freedom blurred. Never give them spirit and never control. Wills surrendered, thoughts taken, wounds opened. The time of war is coming, and you’ve just started it all.
Thunderstorm tried to run, aware of the warning the voice stated. She’d just reawakened the cause for all this war, the cause for the war of darkness she’d heard about for so long in her dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thunderstorm was aware of Darkwind and Megatron watching her from the ledge. Both heads of military operations were there as well: AK for the Decepticats and Soundwave for the Decepticons. It was the days when all the cadets face off to see who becomes a soldier and who returns to the lowly rank of cadet for another stellar cycle. This time it was Thunderstorm’s turn. She never thought she’d be facing Sunhawk in this competition, but at least it didn’t require killing each other.
The two cadets squared off as Darkwind raised his paw, drawing their claws. Sunhawk had small claws and teeth compared to Thunderstorm who’s had grown longer and sharper with each passing week of training. She didn’t need to bare her teeth at Sunhawk for the tips of her knife-like canines were poking out from underneath her top jaw. She’d never seen Sunhawk this fierce looking before. Her powerful shoulders were bunched up and her head was lowered almost to the ground. Thunderstorm glanced up at Darkwind until he let his paw lower. AK and Soundwave watched the two young cadets closely; they were the judges in the competition. Whoever they picked would become a soldier.
Sunhawk sprang the instant Darkwind’s paw was lowered. She hit the ground, rolled, and leapt into the air right before she would hit Thunderstorm. It was a very advanced move, Thunderstorm knew it too, but she preferred not to use it because she often lost her balance before she leaped. Sunhawk crashed down on her as she attempted to dodge and Thunderstorm was sent sprawling into the corner on the ring. She immediately ran and hit her in the side. Thunderstorm felt the wall of the ring under her claws and used it to push off of. She hit Sunhawk square on, bowling over the small cadet easily. Thunderstorm reared up to bring her paws down, but when she did, Sunhawk met her from the ground. The two wrestled for a few seconds before Thunderstorm got a break and she snatched Sunhawk’s ear in her teeth. She squealed like a mouse and the crowd began to laugh as Thunderstorm dragged her around the ring by her ears.
Sunhawk hissed angrily and kicked Thunderstorm aside. She shook her head as Thunderstorm recovered to clear the pain that had rushed to her ears. Thunderstorm got up swiftly and charged at her. Sunhawk tensed up and got into a defense position right away so she’d be ready to dodge, but Thunderstorm knew the move well and she served left and right to fake Sunhawk out. It worked and she made hard contact with her. Clamping onto to Sunhawk’s shoulder, Thunderstorm rammed into her as Sunhawk tried to jump into the air.
Thunderstorm arched her back and snarled a challenge. Sunhawk stumbled up from the ground and growled back. Sunhawk tensed up and began running towards her again. Thunderstorm sneered and grit her teeth as she arched downward and let loose sparks of lightning. Sunhawk yelped in surprise as one hit her dead on like a missile and she was sent flying into the wall. Thunderstorm stopped and watched as Sunhawk slowly got up. She peered at the cadet with confusion when she began to smile and chuckle. Thunderstorm flinched as she saw a flash of an ember seep from Sunhawk’s mouth.
She looked up at Thunderstorm and opened her jaws. A burst of fire came out and Thunderstorm flattened herself against the ground. The fire scorched her tail and ears luckily but she could feel the intense and extreme heat of the blaze radiating off the flames. Sunhawk took the opportunity to attack. She pounced on Thunderstorm and slashed at her back. Thunderstorm hissed in frustration and rolled over onto her back, giving Sunhawk a kick to the muzzle. Sunhawk grasped her snout with her paws and Thunderstorm heaved from underneath her, sending Sunhawk rolling into the edge.
The crowd began to cheer loudly when Sunhawk hesitated to stand up, but a glare from Thunderstorm sent them into silence again. Sunhawk was shaking as she lifted her limbs and stood. Sunhawk seemed to muster the strength for one more attack as she dashed towards the wall of the ring. Thunderstorm narrowed her optics and watched Sunhawk’s every move. The cadet howled in rage and rammed into Thunderstorm’s side even though she was aware of Sunhawk’s attack. Thunderstorm crashed into the rim of the fence and lied down. Sunhawk lifted her muzzle triumphantly as Thunderstorm didn’t even try to get up, her whole body ached and she felt her blood begin to soak her armor.
She gazed up at Darkwind who was staring at her with determination. He threw his muzzle in the direction of Sunhawk and flexed his claws, swiping silently. Thunderstorm saw it and unsheathed her claws again. She quickly hopped back to her paws and ran at Sunhawk. The miniature cadet had her back towards Thunderstorm, pumping up the crowd. Thunderstorm pounced on Sunhawk and drew her claws across Sunhawk’s face and sank her canines into her neck. Sunhawk called out in fear and surprise as Thunderstorm held her down with her tough grip. Darkwind smiled lightly as the crowd went silent and Sunhawk made the decision to surrender, she was completely exhausted and scared.
Thunderstorm let Sunhawk stand up cautiously although the fight was over. Darkwind nodded softly at AK who returned the gesture. Darkwind took a step forward, “I declare the winner of the match to be a true soldier at the spark. One who has earned her place in the Decepticat society and has proven her loyal to the cause. Thunderstorm,” he lifted his head and closed his optics when he said her name, “in turn for your hard work in training and your underdog victory in this competition I commend you a Decepticat soldier. You must promise to serve our cause even if it costs you your life. I expect you to put in your best effort and never shy away from a fight no matter the odds.”
Thunderstorm saw Sunhawk scowl from the crowd, glaring up at Darkwind as he spoke, “Thunderstorm I appoint you to strike team 3. They specialize in sudden but powerful raids on Autopaw and Rebel attack teams. I think you’ll fit right in considering you’ve got some of the best soldiers in all of Kaon to fight beside.”
Thunderstorm felt herself hiding her head as the crowd cheered. Five soldiers came and pulled her aside. They all looked tough and fit, but she was surprised to see AK among them. He looked her directly in the face, “Glad to have you on board, kid. I’ve seen you train and you’ve got some good moves, but we’ll teach you more than those lame sergeants ever could,” he tried to smile, but his face remained stern, “Anyway you should meet the team.”
A thin soldier with gray and black stripes on her snow white armor nodded and replied, “I’m Shadow Prime, nice to meet you,” she gestured towards two soldiers with almost identical armor marks except the marks were reversed from each other, “these two reverse twins are Fusion and Fission and then that’s Deathstrike. He’s pretty quiet,” Shadow Prime pointed her muzzle at the soldier huddled in the corner, his head hunched over. The bright red glow from his optics illuminating his chest and paws, “but he’s got some slick attacks hidden beneath all that silence.”
Deathstrike gave her a quick glare from his position and snorted lightly. Shadow Prime rolled her optics, “Never mind him.”
AK nudged Shadow Prime aggressively and threw his head towards Darkwind and Megatron standing on the high ledge above the arena. Their heads were raised proud although the crowd’s cheers had died down. They were waiting for the winner of the next round to emerge. Thunderstorm looked back at Sunhawk, she was sitting next to the soldier, Jackknife, with her claws still unsheathed, glaring intently at Darkwind.
“Mad?” Ripcurrent asks her from behind, coming out of the quickly growing crowd of Decepticat soldiers, medics, warlords, and cadets alike. Sunhawk’s reply is a slight nod of the head and a hiss. The young sergeant simply whispers, “Good… but don’t hold a grudge. Keep your game face on, you’ll get your chance.”
Thunderstorm eyed the two carefully, but she soon found that Sunhawk had diverted her attention from her sergeant and to the fight. Her crimson optics narrowed at the sight of Hawkeye in the ring, bleeding energon from his shoulders and face, and staining the floor a translucent purple. His damage dealer is covered in the shadows of the mob outside the arena, but his glowing aqua blue markings and deep red optics gave him away.
“Skyhawk,” Sunhawk growled. Her claws suddenly began to shake with a new found anger and fuel to her attacks. Her optics began to glow and soon her whole front half was coated in a thin light the color of the sunset. Thunderstorm looked at Sunhawk and then at Darkwind, the Decepticat leader wasn’t even paying attention to the fight. His optics were fixed on Sunhawk, her back arched and her face full of rage. The leader’s mouth moved a fraction of an inch.
Was… that a smile? Thunderstorm’s expression became fearful. Darkwind wouldn’t interfere if Sunhawk attacked Skyhawk, he’d watch and let it play itself out. Thunderstorm flinched up and the rest of her new team watched her every move, but still stood calm and motionless as Thunderstorm turned to Sunhawk from across the crowd, “Sunhawk, don’t do it!”
Sunhawk flashed around to face her friend, but the innocence that was once there was completely gone. The fury that was seen in her optics could dance with Megatron’s any time. Thunderstorm clenched her teeth together so hard they ached, but she could hardly believe what she was seeing. This was the true persona of the Decepticats as a whole. Individually they seem so tranquil and normal, but that was just a cover act.
“I was so stupid…” Thunderstorm muttered to herself, but apparently Shadow Prime heard. The warlord smacked Thunderstorm in the back of the head and snarled, “We have an unmatched fury, so what!”
Thunderstorm glanced at Shadow Prime’s face as she spoke, it was cold, “What the Autopaws can never seem to understand is we do it out of compassion just as they do. In fact we’re more compassionate than they ever will be!”
She yelled the last bit and the whole of the crowd seemed to hear her words. They all sent out replies of agreement and chants. The fight in the arena continued on however. Thunderstorm ducked her head as she felt the passion of a Decepticat flood her head, then she gingerly peeked up at the warlord, “I… I understand, Shadow Prime, I really do... but I can’t let Sunhawk do this. She might get herself killed.”
That was when she heard Sunhawk’s raging war cry, the shrill roar that seemed to still the air, as the infuriated cadet sprang into the arena.

--------------------------------------------

Fire Prime gazed down haplessly on Iacon, his city. Today he preformed two of his greatest duties as a leader: passing the role of a soldier onto new cadets and sending a new generation of sparklings into their training. Some would be medics, some would be scouts, some would take on the tough training to become a commander, and the rest will be soldiers and the defense of the entire Autopaw and Autobot race. Fire Prime didn’t feel the thrill of today though, his solemn mind racing through images he’d never knew he remembered. His ceremony of honor, where he was given an award for courage under almost impossible odds, the award of an honorary Autopaw or Autobot.
He shook his head to clear it, that event was at least eighty stellar cycles ago, when he was just a soldier so why should the vision of it come to him now? Sunrunner Prime was still leader and he had Moonshine Prime and his two sons to care about, not the lives of countless Autopaws. He gave an angry sigh and stood up from his resting place on the top of the Decagon. Autobot engineers were working on the systems up on top that received some damage during a recent Decepticon attack Fire Prime wasn’t present for. The irritating sound of the equipment blurred his mind and he knew that they’d lead him down to the square before long anyway.
He forced himself to take the steps to the elevator and take the long ride down. He entered the Decagon plaza to find a cluster of Autopaws and Autobots assembled. Cadets chattering faster than a gunshot and the sparklings being tidied up and settled down by their caretakers, their little imaginations playing with them with the images of defeating Decepticats and screaming the words, “We’ve won!”
Fire Prime smiled at the sight of the miniature Cat Transformers with optics full of playfulness. He remembered when his sons, Bluefire and Thorn, were that little and Moon Prime had her paws full with them.
He cleared his throat to get the attention of the endless crowd, “Today, I give a privilege to the sparklings who have also wanted to serve the Autopaws, but also to the cadets who’ve worked as hard as anyone to learn the ways of an Autopaw and master the skills of combat. Today…” he paused and let his emotions run free, “these cadets become true Autopaws and these young sparklings begin the long track to becoming one!”
He felt the crowd’s chants blow into his face, “Fireflash! Fireflash!”
Fire Prime let the name flood in. It was his name… his full name. He rose his head to finish the chant of the crowd with a drawn out, “Fireflash Prime!”
Fire Prime waited before the crowd died down to gesture the cadets forward. He preformed the traditional ceremony of passage for each one. He said their name, made them promise to defend the cause at any time, and the last one, which always brought him to tears every time he preformed the ceremony, never give up hope and never let your brothers and sisters go without a fight. The worst part of the ceremony that both sides practice is the branding of their symbol. It is said to be deemed extremely painful, but this batch of cadets only seemed to winch and grit their teeth when the boiling rod hit their armor. Fire Prime was glad he didn’t have to brand them, his closest lieutenants did.
Once he finished with the cadets, about an hour later, he called forward the energetic sparklings. They all bounced with eagerness and squeaked about how they’d kick the tailpipes of any Decepticat. Those comments always made Fire Prime chuckle.
“I would like to call the sparklings up for the ceremony,” Fire Prime announced. He waited until the exasperated caretakers lined the bundles of energy into a straight and orderly line, before calling the first one up to him.
“Thunderbolt and Windwhipper,” he called the two sisters up first since the caretakers actually marked them as highest promise, “are you both ready to take on the responsibility of an Autopaw?”
They both glanced at each other at the same time before nodding to themselves. Thunderbolt replied first, “I do, Fireflash Prime.”
“I do also,” her sister followed quietly.
Fire Prime let their replies sink in before continuing, “Thunderbolt, do you promise to uphold and use the element of lightning to your advantage only?” The lean sparkling gave a faint nod, “and do you, Windwhipper, promise to only call on the element of air in times where it is to your advantage?” She also copied her sister, “Then I now have the right to call you both cadets!”
Thunderbolt and Windwhipper dipped their head solemnly and Fire Prime rubbed their heads with his paw, “Good luck you two.” That was all he needed to say since the sergeants would choose the best cadet troop for them to be in for training, and he most likely wouldn’t see them back up here on the stage until their graduation ceremony in about forty stellar cycles from now, which could be longer or shorter if changes need to be made.
The time couldn’t seem to stand still as he did the same for the others. The names blurred into one another: Jumper, Longclaw, Chainarm, Brimhead, Crumble, Apache, Hellfire, Vertex, Junebug, and Forcecifer. He was getting older and the simple joys such as these didn’t pleasure him anymore.
He watched the crowds of Autopaws accept the new cadets into their ranks with over excited grins and shouts. They still believed in the passing of their spirits as a whole onto the newest generation. Fire Prime had forgotten that until he saw the crowd giving him looks that reminded him. He grabbed the stack of helmets and armor out from the container to his right, scraggy and worn out from the millenniums of use. He handed them to the new cadets. A horned helmet to Thunderbolt, and set of thin blades to Windwhipper, propulsion boosters to Jumper, a set of claw covers for Longclaw, a pair of razor sharp tail spikes for Chainarm, a piece of sun generation armor for Brimhead, a hook blade for Crumble, a set of fanner blades for Apache, rocket cannon for Hellfire, an old laser rifle for Vertex, a jet pack with wings for Junebug, and a saber toothed mask for Forcecifer.
The cadets all bowed in unison, some struggling to keep their new possessions on and others have difficulty even picking them up, especially Jumper, Hellfire, and Junebug. Of course they’d grow into them, and the immediate conflict with their armor and weapons was a natural first step. For once in so many stellar cycles Fireflash Prime could feel the pride in himself when the Autopaws chanted his name.
It feels good to be back, he thought as the crowd dispersed and he settled back down on the ledge to watch his city until the sun began to fall and the moons flowed up gracefully and swift into the starry night sky.

--------------------------------------------

Thunderstorm thrust her body into the air and tackled Sunhawk in mid air. They were both in the arena however, despite Thunderstorm’s intention to hit her out. Skyhawk and Hawkeye froze in place, both covered in either their own energon or that of their opponent. Darkwind rose from his perch on the platform, but didn’t take a step forward.
Sunhawk shoved Thunderstorm aside with her shoulder and let out a shrill snarl. She drew her claws, which now seemed longer than Thunderstorm’s, and turned her head to look at the tensed up Skyhawk. She left Thunderstorm and charged towards Skyhawk.
Skyhawk let her roll him onto his back and he used his back legs to kick her off before she could get in a swipe. Sunhawk slammed into the back wall and fell, dazed, to the ground. Hawkeye rushed over and picked Sunhawk up, while Skyhawk stood ideally by chuckling, “Is that all you got, Sunny? A meager sparkling can fight better than you!”
Sunhawk lowered her head and growled, bunching up her broad shoulders. Thunderstorm watched them stare off until Sunhawk gave in and pounced on Skyhawk from across the arena. Skyhawk gasped as his breath was knocked out of him and Sunhawk held him down with sturdy paws, her dagger-like claws at his chest. He let out a painful yowl as Sunhawk raked her claws across his chest, leaving a deep scrape in his armor.
“Stop this!” Thunderstorm’s optics widened as Darkwind’s command rang out among the madness. Sunhawk let Skyhawk up and ducked her head to her chest to hide her shame. Her fury had died down and she was now returned to her innocent state. Thunderstorm felt sorry for her, “You have defiled the ancient tradition of the Decepticat passing! I should have you thrown in the prison for this! I’ll-“
Darkwind was cut off as Megatron threw his hand in front of Darkwind’s muzzle, “Silence you bumbling fool! Let it go, just get those two out of the arena.”
Darkwind’s look of surprise ended quickly and he used his com link to contact some Decepticat soldiers who then dragged embarrassed, little Sunhawk out of the arena. Thunderstorm followed without assistance from them. She sat down next to Shadow Prime, as the warlord’s position was unchanged since the ordeal, “I wonder which one of them Darkwind will pass?”
Thunderstorm watched as Shadow Prime adjusted herself on the hard ground and let out a humongous yawn, not replying. She rested her head on her paws and closed her optics, only opening one when the crowd let out excited cheers. Thunderstorm frowned at Shadow Prime as the warlord drifted off, “Do you have any idea who provoked Sunhawk beside Skyhawk beaten the slag out of Hawkeye?” Shadow Prime muttered sleepily to Thunderstorm.
Thunderstorm’s mind flashed back to the figure beside Sunhawk when she became infuriated. His deep blue armor and young tone was oddly familiar, but then again so many Decepticats looked or sounded the same. She tried to remember more, but her efforts were fruitless. Then, her depleted memory struck gold. Ripcurrent!
“Does the name Ripcurrent ring a bell?” Thunderstorm retorted.
Shadow Prime let out what seemed to be a laugh, but it was hard to tell. The noise she made afterwards was something between a snort and a hiss, “That idiotic kid couldn’t influence a swarm of scraplets to feast on an Autopaw!”
AK and the rest of the brigade behind her broke out laughing alongside her, their optics light with a speck of amusement. Thunderstorm lowered her head noiselessly, “He was our drill sergeant before, but I don’t see how he’d want to make Sunhawk go berserk.”
Shadow Prime shook her head, “He had good reason, kid.”
“What are you talking about?” Thunderstorm asked, confused in so many ways at the moment.
“Sunhawk’s little breakdown was the first of many. Ripcurrent, just as all of us, know that part of a cadet’s training involves feeling the true Decepticat fury. Once you feel that way once, it’ll keep coming back and you’ll become uncontrollably vicious like all Decepticat soldiers.”
Thunderstorm looked down at Shadow Prime and saw only the chilling truth, which at first seemed to reflect the glowing anger of Sunhawk but that thought soon faded from her mind, “But what about me, it hasn’t happened to me yet. Does that mean I won’t be able to become a soldier?”
Shadow Prime hesitated and sighed, “No, but one day you’ll become just like us…”
Thunderstorm slunk back onto the ground and rested her head on her sore paws. Darkwind had announced both cadets winners, a fair gift to them for their ravenous battle. Skyhawk and Hawkeye both went straight to the medics and were carried off. AK crouched down towards Thunderstorm and asked, “You want to go back to our complex and rest?”
“Um… sure.” She kept her response as simple as possible.
AK gestured for the rest of the team to lead her back; he had to stay here to judge some of the fights. Shadow Prime and the twins accepted with pleasure, but lonesome Deathstrike just grunted and followed without making a sound. The sky was growing laden with clouds and the sun was just beginning to set on the horizon, casting patterns of orange and red light across the city. The first stars were just appearing in the darkest parts of the sky, flickering as they danced gracefully across the night. Shadow Prime made a sudden, swift turn right before the leaders’ complexes and soon a warehouse-like building appeared behind the tall towers of the downtown. It looked somewhat cozy inside, a room just for relaxing when off duty, individual rooms for each member, and a training room almost like the cadets’ complex had only with more advanced technology and training mechanisms.
Shadow Prime grinned gleefully as Thunderstorm gawked at how cool the place was. Fusion and Fission gave each other “high-paws” and leapt around like excited cadets, eager to get back to the fights back in the square. Thunderstorm felt the warmth of her room as Shadow Prime led her in. It had a wide window overlooking the square and showing just how big the city really was.
Thunderstorm’s optics sparkled alongside the lights and shadows of the city, the sun sliding shyly beneath the dark umbrella the buildings and towers cast upon the sky. Shadow Prime strode up next to her, “Pretty ain’t it?”
Thunderstorm didn’t reply only continued to stare into the beauty of the shining dusk. Shadow Prime smiled and turned around, heading towards the door, “Try to stay up to late, kid,” she mused with a chuckle, “You never know what the next day will bring.”
Thunderstorm’s ear twitched slightly as Shadow Prime left, the words she said seared into her memory, but what do they mean…

--------------------------------------------

The citizens of the Autopaw town, Tarwell, were all tired, resting up after another tranquil day in the barrenness of their land. The moon drifted swiftly across the freckled atmosphere, lighting the metallic fields and hills. A lone figure sat silently at the crest of one of those ridges, overlooking the plains, picking at the wires on his Cybertronian guitar, playing a tainted melody on the small instrument. The waves of music travelled for thousands of miles over the flat landscape, speckling the melancholy midnight air with the lonely song. Soon he began to whistle along and whisper the words to the ancient composition. The final lyrics he sang stretched out after many minutes of playing and drifted out of his mouth in a smoky cloud of vapor.
“Prime Star, my friend, the legend will come true some day,” he muttered to himself afterwards, staring down at his paws in ponder, his optics as blue as the twinkling bodies in the darkest of skies. He looked past the handful of buildings and storehouses his village had to offer and into the blackness beyond, past which lie the range of the Rebels, and in the middle of their range lay the territory of their terminating leader, “We’ll be saved some day… someday might be too late…”
An Autopaw emerged from his shelter and gave a giant yawn, his jaw stretched out as wide as his enormous paws. His partner walked out behind him and shook his head in the unbearable chill of the night, “Why are you up so early and what kind of source code possessed you to come out in this kind of temperature?’
The other sighed and shivered, “Thought I heard that music again, but it must’ve just been my imagination as always.”
The younger one chuckled, “You and you superstitions, Obsidian. Honestly, just because you wished on a comet that your daughters would be accepted into the academy in Iacon and it came true doesn’t mean there’s such thing as magic.”
Obsidian narrowed his optics and grit his teeth. He ignored his partner, “That song is only played by the ghost of an ancient Cat Transformer Prime who controlled the cosmos in the time of our Guardians. He’s here to praise us with the Song of Eternal.”
His partner snorted, “Suit yourself. Wait out here in this circuit-chilling air! I’m not freezing my sparkplugs off!”
Obsidian flinched as the door of the shelter slammed shut behind him, “Foolish Downburst… I know he’s here.”
Off in the hills right outside the village, the ghost of Prime Star smiled lightly and began to drift meagerly off into the blackness, his fading body translucent against the onyx background, the wretched and broken guitar strapped to his shoulder.




User avatar
401 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 17238
Reviews: 401
Sun Aug 07, 2011 6:33 pm
Nate says...



As a Transformers fan-fic of sorts, this was many times better than the Transformers movies. You actually have a story!

I found this to be generally well-written. The chapter shows polish, and the reader can tell that you spent time developing it. However, you do have a tendency to write in run-on sentences. Take this for example:

It feels good to be back, he thought as the crowd dispersed and he settled back down on the ledge to watch his city until the sun began to fall and the moons flowed up gracefully and swift into the starry night sky.


By the time the reader finishes that sentence, they forget how it even began. You need to be careful about introducing too many elements into one sentence. Try instead breaking it up.

You also have a tendency to use a lot of description where none is really necessary. For example:
“Prime Star, my friend, the legend will come true some day,” he muttered to himself afterwards, staring down at his paws in ponder, his optics as blue as the twinkling bodies in the darkest of skies.

Descriptions work best when they are short and vivid. Here, you have to much going on for the description to be of much use.

Overall, though, I found this to be an interesting work with a good story. Keep it up.
Owner, Founder, Site Administrator

YWS on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/youngwriterssociety
Twitter: https://twitter.com/yws_gazette
Tumblr: http://ywsgazette.tumblr.com/

Got YWS?




User avatar
60 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2435
Reviews: 60
Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:42 pm
Narnialover4ever1 says...



Oooh a Transformer fanfic! I liked it! It was a bit confusing, though. Good job. I like Prime Star the best :D Good job! :)
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me