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Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:57 pm
Pingu says...



Okay so. I was wondering if you could all give me some feedback on this, honesty being the best policy. I have already written a few chapters of this novel, but I'll just post up the first one.

Is this too short for a chapter?
Am I describing things well enough?
IS IT ANY GOOD? lol

So here goes'


BTW!!! THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS MATURE LANGUAGE AND SOME SUGGESTIVE TEXT.

Jiro sat atop the projection in silence, smoking his cigarette and staring blankly into the sea of lights that was Orbis city. His young face was blank and expressionless, as usual, though his eyes were gleaming with anticipation. It was calm and serene were he was sitting, upon the outskirts of Orbis, the grass was emerald green and there was a thick forest just behind him. He just sat there, letting the wind flicker his shoulder length brown hair as he listened to the trees sway. Though he had a lot on his mind he still managed to find time to just sit and watch the metropolis in front of him. It was like nothing he had seen before. It was ambient, the city looked like a giant shadow bouncing off the navy night sky. Thousands and thousands of massive buildings as far as the eye could see, with street lamps like stars and huge beams of light travelling seemingly from one end of the city to the other. Jiro removed the cigarette tucked between his lips with a gloved hand and doused it out on the dew kissed grass. Though the entire city was a sight to behold, there was one building that the eye could not avoid. One gargantuan and vast structure sat in the centre of the city and it seemed to touch the heavens. Its thousands and thousands of lights looked like scales on the stomach of a serpent, though the main eye catcher was the buildings tip. A giant satellite shot out of an army of iron rods, all pointing in different directions. It made an epic finale to the already demonic looking complex.
Before Jiro could appreciate the sight any further, he heard twigs snapping in the forest. His hand, by force of habit, shot into his thin pale green coat and played with the holster of his modified handgun. His eyes thinned as he scanned the area, seeing only falling leaves and swaying grass. The tip of his finger scratched the grip of the gun, anticipating an attack.
“Chill out there hot shot, its only me..” came a feminine voice.
Jiro hung his head and sighed in annoyance. It wasn’t an enemy or a spy, he didn’t have the luck. He slowly turned his head around to catch the eye of a beautiful young woman. She stood in front of him, with both hands behind her back. Her shiny red hair fell over one side of her face and her big blue eyes shone playfully. She strolled over towards him casually, humming a tune.
“What do you want?” asked Jiro, his youthful tone had a tinge of irritation to it. The girl knelt down next to where he was sitting and hugged her knees.
“Just came to check up on ya!” she replied, knowing that her saying that would piss him off greatly.
“You think I need to be checked on? I’m not a child, I can take care of myself Hitomi” he said removing his hand from his jacket and placing it on the wet grass.
Hitomi cocked her head and smiled.
“What age are you again?” She asked with a mischievous grin playing across her face. Jiro’s eyes turned in another direction and he dropped his head once more looking down at his sneakers. “Seventeen..”.
“Awwwh, lil’ baby. See, that’s why I have to look after you! You might get hurt!” she teased, delighted with herself.
Jiro drew a cigarette from his coat pocket and slid it between his lips, silent in defeat while Hitomi knelt staring at him, as if she were looking through him. The flame from his brass lighter flickered in the night wind, barely igniting and sparking up the well rolled cigarette protruding from his mouth. He took one drag before looking back at Hitomi, who was still inspecting him with her eyes squinted.
“Is there something you want? or can you please go away?” He snorted,
brushing his hair away from his face and blowing smoke from the corner of his mouth. Hitomi rolled her eyes and sighed.
“I just wanted to know if you were alright. Tonight isn’t exactly going to be pretty...” she sighed, before turning her head towards the city lights. Jiro didn’t bother trying to reassure her, he also knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. He also wasn’t very good at relaxing people, optimism was not his forte. Instead he just smoked his cigarette and joined Hitomi in staring aimlessly at the behemoth that was the city of Orbis, capital of Vjorbis. The city was so thick that you couldn’t see anything past it, as if it spanned all the way to the end of Sarial. The flickering lights from the buildings afar provided some kind of idea as to how far the city actually went, though dimmer lights behind them almost insulted you for your weak estimation.
“Jiro?”
“What now?”
“What are you going to do when this is all over?” she asked nosily. Jiro took a minute to consider her question, he had never really thought about it. He wasn’t much for thinking ahead.
“I don’t know. How do you know it will end tonight? or if it will end in our favour?” He replied, oblivious to how negative he sounded. Hitomi shook her head slowly leaving his question unanswered. The breeze blew her hair over her face, hiding her saddened eyes. She turned her head away from the city and smiled at Jiro.
“You shouldn’t be smoking those ya know. Its really bad for your health” she informed, changing the subject completely. At hearing this challenge, Jiro immediately took a drag from his cigarette in defiance.
“You act like my mother sometimes. You are only two years older than me.” He retorted.
Hitomi grinned, before carefully swiping the cigarette from him and taking a drag for herself. Jiro looked on in shock, wondering if he should ask for it back or just act cool and uncaring. She wiggled her freckled nose and winked at him, before flicking the cigarette off the edge of the hill and standing back up to stretch her legs.
“I hope Tatsu is doing alright. Without him this whole thing could blow right back in our faces. I mean, level with me here, you’re a rookie and I have never done anything like this before, ever!” She said, putting her hands behind her head and balancing on her heels. Jiro looked up at her with a frown on his face, clearly displeased at her referring to him as a “rookie”.
“Tatsu will be okay, and as for me being a ‘rookie’, I’m the one with a gun here. You couldn’t be trusted with a weapon, you’d probably try and scratch your nose with an assault rifle with the safety off” he spat with a half smile on his face.
“Was that a joke? A hint of humour from Mr. teenage angst?” she said in mock surprise. Hitomi knelt back down next to Jiro and ensnared him in a hug, pushing his head against her chest.
“Awwwh, all grown up! look at you! who’s a big boy?” She teased him, swaying back and forth still holding him in the embrace. Jiro pushed her away and she fell back on her side, still grinning she began to giggle uncontrollably. Jiro didn’t see the hilarity in it and returned to his original position.
“Fuck you..” he sighed.
Hitomi’s giggle fit continued and Jiro’s unimpressed expression was slowly turning to one of irritation. But before Jiro could finish imagining pushing Hitomi off the edge of the cliff, two rounded beams of light illuminated the scene with a click. A green minivan with its lights turned on full drove towards them, then reversed and parked so that the side of the vehicle was facing them. Hitomi’s fit ceased and her face suddenly became serious, she sat up and coughed out of embarrassment. The door of the van clicked open and a booted foot stepped out, Jiro got to his feet and stood to attention and Hitomi mimicked him almost immediately. From out of the vehicle, stood a man built like a weight lifter. He was tall and had a shaved head, revealing white scars on his scalp and on his eyebrow. He looked about 30, maybe older. He wore camouflage pants and a green sleeveless shirt, his arms riddled with tattoos. He looked Hitomi and Jiro up and down with his stern, unsmiling face.

“I got the transport..” The man smiled, shaking a pair of car keys. Hitomi relaxed her stance and yawned.
“How did you get it Tatsu?” she asked.
“I eh, borrowed it from an uncle..” he replied.
“You mean you stole it?”
“Basically...”
“I thought we were supposed to keep our heads down!” Hitomi scolded. Tatsu screwed his face up and bent his wrists.
“Well sorry for going against your wishes. Maybe I should have asked this stranger for his van first and told him I’d give it back later!” He laughed.
Hitomi put her hands on her hips and shot her head down, this act of grand theft auto doing absolutely nothing to calm her nerves. Jiro just stared sternly at Tatsu, as if he were about to ask a question.
“So, are we ready for the briefing or do you two want to continue exploring the realms of teenage sexuality?” Tatsu smiled, returning Jiro’s stern expression with a light hearted grin.
“Gather round troops, I’ll fill you in on good ol’ captain Kaijo’s orders for tonight.” He gestured for Jiro and Hitomi to come closer. Tatsu eyes shone like a proud father as they approached him.
“So this will be the first time either of you have done any REAL work for the U.A.O.S, a pretty big deal. This isn’t like working at the headquarters or scoping out Tower corp from a computer. This is real battle, or at least being on a battle field.” Tatsu’s voice suddenly became very sober. His eyes darted from Jiro to Hitomi, making sure both of them were listening carefully.
“By Kaijo’s orders, we are to be team G, in order of relevance to this mission. Team A are to infiltrate the Tower corp main complex, as in that big mother fucker right behind you” Tatsu pointed forward and identified the mammoth building in the centre of the city as Tower corporations headquarters, Hitomi immediately looked over to Jiro expecting to exchange a look a puzzlement with him, but he stood still and silent.
“Now, Team A are to carry out a search and destroy mission on entry. They will be blowing that place to bits, these guys and gals are the best in the business, so they should do some damage. Getting in is going to be a bitch but that’s Team B’s problem for now. To put it short, if all goes to plan the entire building will be in smithereens and the main branch of Tower corporation AND its entire board of management will be dead.”
“..and what about us?” asked Jiro, his vacant tone matching his expression. Tatsu, with his trademark grin, put his hand on Jiro’s shoulder.
“We have two things to do, both with its own scenario. I’ll get to that now. Scenario one, the original idea. We drive around the building, scoping out the scene, giving Teams A, B and C cover. Now, if Team A should fail their mission at any point, we will be notified via radio to go on in and just do as much damage as we can, if we cant destroy the whole building, we can at least send a message to them.” He said as if he were miming the words of Keijo himself. Tatsu lifted his hand from Jiro’s shoulder and rested it in his pants pocket.
“Basically this is going to be a suicide mission guys, live it up while you can!” Tatsu spoke jokingly, chuckling as Hitomi went pale as the moon. Jiro’s expression stayed the same, as though he were oblivious as to what Tatsu had just told him. This made Tatsu feel uneasy, he may have been a terrorist, but he couldn’t understand why one so young had such a lack of self importance. He stroked the stubble on his wrinkled face and looked down at the ground.
“You guys take a break. I’m going to get on the phone to our informer. The guy is paranoid as fuck! Hiding in a bathroom stall in some restaurant in the city! Waiting for us to collect him!” Tatsu laughed nervously, still clearly troubled by Jiro’s display of apathy for life. He then winked at the young Hitomi and strolled back to the vehicle to take care of business. As the door of the van clicked shut, Hitomi immediately relaxed herself once more and began fiddling with her plaid skirt, trying to avoid a still and awkward silence with Jiro, who was now flipping his brass lighter sporadically. Though she was trying to keep herself as composed as possible, meeting Jiro’s eyes was as unnerving as having a gun cocked to the back of your head.
“Well, that was a very brief briefing eh?” snickered Hitomi, breaking the terrible silence. Jiro didn’t care to answer her, though he nodded in agreement. Hitomi, still desperate to break through Jiro’s evident defensive shell, play punched him in the arm and smiled.
“So Jiro, we have known each other since this morning at HQ! Its our twelve hour anniversary!” she said with a friendly arm around the shoulder. “Tell me about yourself!”.
Jiro turned his head to hers, their noses almost meeting, and squinted his eyes in a perplexed fashion.
“What could you possibly gain from knowing anything about me or what I do” he said removing her arm from around him and leaning up against the vans tinted window.
“I just want to get to know the guy that I’m probably going to be fighting alongside tonight! Why are you so callous!?” She argued, now vexed by him. The wind played with Jiro’s hair, hiding the satisfaction on his face.
“Okay, how about this. I will tell you something about me. If you tell me why a helpless little girl like you is in leagues with a paramilitary group like the one we are working with right now?” He asked. Hitomi looked taken back, her eyes widened with disbelief.
“Helpless little girl!?”
“Are you going to answer my question or not?”
“Fine!”
Hitomi groaned and tilted her head. She paused for a moment and locked eyes with Jiro who looked pleased with himself thinking he had put Hitomi
in her place. Seeing that there was no let up in the stare down, Hitomi sighed.

“I have known Kaijo all my life. My father was a member of the U.A.O.S way back when. He would often visit us, usually just looking for my father to give him a new contract, but none the less he always looked out for him.” Hitomi’s vexed expression turned to a reminiscent smile.
“When my father died, Kaijo would send me and my mother money and looked out for us. He must have felt to blame for my dad’s death, but he was always so generous and caring. He didn’t have to do all that, my dad was under contract and it was all business, but still Kaijo made sure we were okay.”
“So Kaijo cashed in on your loyalty then?” interrupted Jiro.
“No! it was nothing like that! let me finish!” she retorted hastily.
“Eventually we lost contact with Kaijo, we never complained, he had done everything in his power to make sure we were looked after. After my mother passed away I travelled up to Fijjus to go to a college there, I studied media and wanted to become a journalist.”
Jiro looked almost bored by what he thought was going to be her “life story”, though he continued to listen without complaint.
“Anyway, after staying there for four months I started to settle in. Though I was struggling, I had all the qualifications, but my families history in the U.A.O.S was evident and nobody wanted to employ a young ‘terrorist’ girl. Then one day Kaijo showed up at the school, recruiting people to join up to the U.A.O.S. I was really happy to see him, it was the first time I had spoken to him in four years. I told him about my struggle with getting accepted into an office. He told me that if I went with him, he would put me on the pay roll and give me a desk job at the U.A.O.S, digging up information on Tower corporation and stuff on the Xesmantic conspiracies in Vendansil.”
“So what you are saying is, he duped you into joining?” Jiro interrupted rudely once again.
“You don’t get it! I wanted to help! So I joined up. I was your age and was doing research up until tonight. Kaijo doesn’t even know I’m here right now. Tatsu knew I wanted to do this because I’ve been training with him since, without Kaijo’s knowledge of course.”
Hitomi looked content with herself, she folded her arms.
“Now, your turn hot shot” she grinned.
Jiro tilted his head back against the van window and stared up at the stars that hung from the night sky. He considered ignoring Hitomi and going against his word, but for some reason unknown to him, his mouth opened and he began to speak. Still staring into the sky.
“I joined for one reason Hitomi, and its not to save anyone.” He spoke in an uncharacteristically soft tone. His eyes still pointed at the stars, this made Hitomi question if he were paying attention to her at all.
“Have you ever thought of what you are protecting? the democracy you are fighting to maintain? or are you naive enough to believe that these people will make the right decision when the time comes for change”. Hitomi crinkled her nose to Jiro’s last sentence. “What do you mean?” She asked.
“The U.A.S are dying to retain democracy for Sarial, taking on the big bad Tower Corporation who are conspiring to take seats in the government and rule with an iron fist. but ask yourself? even if they did take over, would it be such a bad thing? The people of Sarial are idiots, they will be their own downfall. So are they really worth protecting?” Jiro’s soft tone now becoming more of a rant. Hitomi wore a snubbed expression on her face, she went to speak but couldn’t find the words.
“Of course they are! they don’t know anything about Towers plans!” She stuttered , gripping the side of her plaid skirt like a stress reliever. “What if Tower took over and the freedom of speech was lost?”.
Jiro removed his himself from the stars and looked Hitomi right in the eye. His expression said everything, but still he continued.
“I wouldn’t care” he spoke, with venom on his tongue. He folded his arms and continued his stare down of Hitomi, who looked as though she had just encountered a serial rapist. Her lip quivered. She had never heard such apathy in her entire life and it frightened her.
“Then why do you fight?” she responded in disbelief, her lip still shaking. There was a terrible silence and time seemed to cease. Jiro had just offended Hitomi like she had never been before, and he had done it in such a calm and natural manner. Moments ago there was a light hearted feeling in the air, but now it had been killed and it only seemed to affect Hitomi, as Jiro just leaned on the van as relaxed as he could be at a time such as this.
“Why do you fight!?” She echoed irately, her open hands turning to fists. Though almost poetically, before Jiro could reply, the van door swung open and Tatsu’s hairless head peeped out from inside. He raised and eyebrow to both of them and wore a comical expression of exaggurated surprise on his face which matched his tone of voice.
“Sorry kids, did I interrupt something?” He mock whispered . Hitomi took one look at Jiro and turned her head.
“No” she replied, “are we ready to go?”
“We are indeed carrot top! just hop on in!” Tatsu smiled clicking open the passenger seat.
“It’s time to kick some ass kids! do me proud!”.
  





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Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:37 am
thunder_dude7 says...



This should go in the appropriate literary forum. Under "writing" choose "submit something". You'll bne able to post it then.

Oh, and I can tell you right now it looks very long.
  





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Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:50 am
Clo says...



This is in the wrong place.

Go to Writing --> Submit something --> Science fiction, or some category --> Copy and paste your story. Put spaces between the paragraphs. --> Submit

Also, I would suggest shortening your story into smaller segments. Then you would DEFINITELY get some reviews and feedback. :D
How am I not myself?
  





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Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:25 pm
Pingu says...



Oh damn. Apologies guys.
  





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Gender: Male
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Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:31 pm
Pingu says...



Also, I posted this back in the Fantasy section. Due to it being a completely fictional world and set in the present of that world.
  








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