Young Writers Society

Oh my goodness, Pink! I liked this so much! Okay, just a few things:

I gulped, hearing Nicholas’s name. Even though I had only fought him once before, he didn’t back down just because I was a girl.

So, you use this same phrase before when you are talking about Kevin. Try and find a way to replace this.

His sleek abs and well toned body was covered in little dew drops of sweat as he did a set of three punches, followed by another round kick.

Pretty sure the underlined 'was' should be 'were.'

I mean I had no idea why he was here. Nicholas lived on the other side of town and I was pretty sure they had gyms there too, so why was he here?

So, in the sentence above, your character wonders why he was here, you don't have to put it again at the end of this sentence.

Like I said before, I really like it so far! On to the next one.

You be my first critique!!! Well, here goes...

Chapter One: I Punch, You cryI like the title!


I tightened my abdomen, gritted my teeth and stood my ground. A trickle of sweat ran down my forehead but I didn’t mind. I won’t back down and I will not lose, I will not cry, I’ll only punch and punch again. Good beginning, I liked the plunge straight into action, or, just-before-the-action.
“Are you ready, Vicks?” Kevin asked, bouncing up and down. Left foot to right foot, he smiled at me, showing his pearly teeth. His blond hair was soft and waved slightly as he moved. Maybe it was just my feminine side that seemed to notice the tiny perfections in his smooth boyish face. He wore only a pair of silky shorts and was barefoot with a pair of old tattered gloves his father had given him before he I think this makes more sense if you say 'his father had given him before he had passed away'. passed away.
I nodded, feeling the rush of adrenaline. I know You're writing in past tense, 'I knew' is the correct grammar. Kevin is wasa good fighter. a good fighter and he definitely wasn’t going to go easy on me just because I’m You keep changing tenses so that it gets very confusing for me, as a reader. 'I am' is present tense 'I was' is past. a girl. I put my fist in front of me as I stared him down. “Let’s fight.”
“Fight!” The boy acing Acting as referee shouts 'shouted'.
Kevin took one quick move forward, I barely saw him coming as his fist flied forward in an uppercut movement. I quickly pivoted on my heels and jabbed my elbow into his side. He didn’t see that coming because he quickly took a few steps back and heaved. I smiled at him and he took it as a challenge. He spins 'spun' ; his right leg flew up in my direction. I had not time Up until now, you've been using quite informal writing, 'I had not' sounds much more formal than the rest. Say 'I didn't have time' to move, his leg punctured my side and I fell down, withering in pain. I felt my side burn with an uncomfortable sensation as I tried to pull myself back up.
Will never back out, will not lose. I hardened my jaw and swallowed some saliva. I pushed my fist forward, throwing a punch. Kevin ducks 'ducked' and I take 'took' the chance to pull my knee up and smash his chin. He fell backwards and rolled onto the floor with a moan.
“Nice move, Sweet pea,” he said with a blood covered smile.

Right now, the main problems I can see is with the tenses. You say you changed it to past but actually, it's a complete mixture of the two. I would re-read this and look only for the tenses. Other than that, you do a lot of 'telling' rather than 'showing'. Your writing is very listed, like everything happened in structured bulletpoints, and, though your writing should be structured, this is too much so. I would add more description to each movement they make, and try and add something other than the fight in there. Maybe some snippets of snide dialogue in places - it would seem like a more natural scene then.
_____________________________
The bell rang as I sat down on the lunch table. I quickly pulled out my agenda and flipped through various pages, stopping at this month. I picked out a red marker from my purse and circled the black number, twenty-five. The Underground Fight Assembly was finally going to pick the top Fighters for the Nationals and I was definitely going to participate.
A few boys that were carrying their trays looked at me, well not me, Instead of a comma, maybe use a semi-colon. my arms. Since I was a Fighter, I didn’t exactly show off that ‘feminine’ body that girls should usually have. I was more of a ‘gym teacher’ body type.
Kevin slid into the seat ahead of me and grinned. “Hey, Vicks, I have some big news,” he said excitedly.
I gave a smile. “What is it?”
“I know the twenty participants that You need an 'are' in here someplace. Either 'that're' to make it sound informal or 'that are'. going to be at the pick-out next week!”
“Who are they?” I asked, unable to control the small shivers in my voice. I really had no idea whether I’d be picked or not.
“You!” he points 'pointed'.
I gave a large grin and a whispered cheer, feeling as if I could just get onto the table and do a dance. But on one wants to see Victoria Mason do a dance, so I brushed the thought away completely.
“But what about you?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there with you,” he replied, giving a mischievous grin.
I hit his head with my agenda and laughed. “Of course you’d be picked!”
He suddenly became serious and frowned. “We have some big competition though; I hear Nicholas Austin is going to be there too…”
I gulped, hearing Nicholas’s name. Even though I had only fought him once before, he didn’t back down just because I was a girl. He punched me like he’d punch anyone else and felt absolutely no remorse doing so. That was the scary part about him, he was like a machine, no emotions, no empathy and he had a goal Nice sentence, it gives a clear picture of this Nick. And honestly, I wished I could be a little like that too.
“Well,” I said after a few moments of silence. “Let the best Fighter win.”
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I threw my backpack onto my bed and looked into my closet for my gym pack. I quickly pulled it out and swung it over my shoulder and rushed downstairs with no time to spare. I needed to practice if I was going to beat Nicholas, which meant everyday in the gym for the next week.
“Where are you going?” My dad, Craig, asked as I opened the front door.
“To the gym…” I mumbled.
“Why? Don’t you go there enough, if you keep this up you’ll end up looking like a man,” he said coldly. My father was a pretty traditional guy, he thought girls should cook and clean and sometimes work while guys are the only species that 'that were allowed' allowed in the gym. That’s why I didn’t get along with him.
I rolled my eyes and walked out the door, refusing to smart mouth him. I’d only get into trouble if I do Overall, I think this sentence could be clearer. First off, the tenses, you mixed them again; 'I'd only get into trouble if I did' and secondly, I think she already is in trouble for just going to the gym, so I would say instead; 'I'd only get into worse trouble if I did.' . I yanked open the door to my rusty black Honda and turned on the engine, pushing my gym bag to the right. I shifted into reverse and drove to the only place I felt like a human being, well sort of Don't get the end of this, what do you mean by 'well sort of'. Just cut this, it sounds better without. .
Kevin waited for my 'me' in the gym in his usual attire, ; gym shorts, shirt and bare feet. He turned his head and watched me as I walked towards him. He pulled a finger towards a different direction and I turned my head, staring at a new boy doing some spin kicks on a punching bag.
He was shirtless with a pair of gray gym shorts, skinny kneepads, barefooted You've said 'barefooted' and variations quite a lot so far, I think you could leave it out here. and his course 'coarse' brown hair is 'was' wet with perspiration. His sleek abs and well toned body were covered in little dew drops of sweat as he did a set of three punches, followed by another round kick.In this paragraph you have started with 'his' in too many places, either find another way of describing him or leave bits of description here and there for us to pick up on as time goes by. The second option is usually the most professional-looking and effective.
I could hear the pounding of his quick feet hitting the bag and the floor, his punches that consist 'consisted' of such strength comma hurl over and over again against the heavy leather. He stopped, squared his shoulder 'shoulders' (the plural is used in this context) and then turned around. He looked past everyone and stared at Kevin and I, his honey brown eyes left no emotion.
I gasped, staring at Nicholas’s sharp features. “What’s he doing here?”
Kevin folded his arms against his chest, unpleased. “I have no idea, maybe he’s just here to see what his competition might be, not that he needs to. I mean everyone’s afraid of him.”
“Not me,” I replied instantly.
Kevin laughed, “Me either.” He sighed and turned his attention to me. “So Vicks, want to go for a quick round?”
I nodded; training with Kevin was the best training I could possibly get. “I’ll go change.”
I quickly headed into the back room while stealing glances at Nicholas. I mean comma I had no idea why he was here. Nicholas lived on the other side of town and I was pretty sure they had gyms there too.
I came back out in a pair of black gym shorts and a loose white shirt. I saw the guys turning 'turn' sounds better. 'I saw the guys turn their heads'their heads and smiling refrase this, say; 'I saw the guys turn their heads; smiling at me' at me, not in a liking way but in a proud way. I mean comma I was the only girl in the whole damn gym. But not one they would date.
Kevin waited for me and did a few warm-ups before walking into the circle. I bounced up and down, waiting for him to ready himself. My gloves were on and I’d already stretched so I was prepared.
Kevin huffed and then smiled at me. “Ready?”
“Let’s fight,” I replied smoothly.
The fight began as Kevin threw a punch. I ducked and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulled him up and then smacked him down. I already see a few of the Fighters coming towards us, some already watching the brawl.
Kevin kicked himself to a stand and then came back with a Take out 'a'; it doesn't make any sense. one evil punch across my face. My head whipped to the side and some spit went flying out of my mouth.
I quickly recovered to see Nicholas, with his arms crossed, looking at me with a smirk. I’ll show that bastard, I really will, I’ll show him he can’t always win. I’ll humiliate him so bad he’ll never show that smirk again. I pulled all my anger together and threw a set of three punches at Kevin, I didn’t miss a single one. Then I do 'did' the same spin kick Nicholas does 'did' I think. right across Kevin’s head. His head whirls to the side and he falls. I felt bad, sure, but this is fighting and there is absolutely no backing out. When you’re in the circle you fight to stay in.
I heard some cheers from the small crowd that had formed around us and feel a bit satisfied.I would rephrase this; 'and felt an odd twinge of satisfaction.' You know what I mean? I helped Kevin up and patted the back of his shoulder. “Sorry, hope I didn’t hurt you too much.”
Kevin groaned, “I think you’re better than me now,Divide this into two sentences. Dialogue, when done well, is usually short. 'I think you're better than me now. Damn that sucks!' damn that sucks,” he said it with such unwillingness that it made me feel a bit pitiful 'that it made me...' no, actually, I don't know how to phrase this, I don't think it sounds right. Scrap it, I'd say. towards him. Getting beat by a girl kind of sucks for a dude right?
Nicholas stepped into the circle and talked for the very first time. “I wanna fight the girl.”[/quote] Nice ending!!!

Okay, so, I'm new here, brand new, and I thought that this was pretty good. However, I think you should correct your own grammar; it makes life hard for us critters, and we aren't supposed to be doing everything for you. Leave the phrasing of sentences, the idea of your writing and a few other bits to us. Grammar, I would say; you should do it yourself. Other than that, I love the story, I love the characters; really well-formed. I enjoyed reading it, truth is, I've already read the other chapters already!!!

Um, one question for you, about me. Was this style of critiquing okay? I've looked at all the others and they don't really do it in this way, is my way bad? I just think that in-depth crits are better than opinionated ones... Still, it's up to you guys right? Hope I helped.

~Ash~

Edit - Aaargh! I don't know if the Quote thing actually worked!!!

*hits head on wall*
Argh, I can't believe I missed that much.
Thanks for pointing it all out. I fixed the things I thought needed fixing and left the things I thought should be left. Thanks for the corrections.
I'm glad you pointed them out.

~Pink

Wow! This was really great, I'm definately reading the rest!

Gold star for you
I have nothing more to say. It was fab apart from a few spelling mistakes and a couple of times where you wrote something but meant something else I think. Other than that well done!

Keep Writing
~Lydia

Hey Pink!

I thought this piece was different from all the others, either by your writing style or the fact that the main character is a fighter. I defintly like this a lot so keep it up!

-Charlotte Grace