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Young Writers Society


Clair and the Stone Statues



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Sat Dec 17, 2011 12:46 am
ScarlettWinters says...



Hi there, i know its a bit long but if you have the time please review.
thanks,
Scarlett
Introduction
Within a child’s mind there lays a simple concept that the world before our eyes is no different then the world we keep behind them. The barrier which adulthood forms around the imagination has yet to shape. As a result a child’s world is bright, untouched by the harsh climates which strike with relentless force upon reality. It is a world of black and white, good and evil, without corruption and prejudice. A world where a forest is not just a forest but a kingdom, a kingdom of romance and danger. The trees rustle in the wind, but to a child they sing a sweet song of love. The leaves which turn to auburn red and fall to the ground are not simply the result of change in season, but a curse upon the trees, from the malicious queen of fire which can only be lifted with the blessing of the captured princess whose hair is spun silk and eyes like the ocean.
Saddening it may seem that this ability to preserve the world around us as more than it is, fades away with the passage of time. How convenient it would be to escape to a world where truth and right still exist, when distress and war prevail. Unfortunately reality must strike, a Childs kingdom must once again be a forest. Trees which once sang must be silenced, and the burning leaves will only mark the begging’s of winter. For a child can only imagine for so long, eventually they must leave their world behind and embrace the reality before them. Some though possess a mind with the rarest of gifts, an imagination which continues to grow and thrive past childhood. Where this imagination may lead is dangerous to think, but for now they still dare to believe that deep within the forest of their youth there lays the kingdom they once knew.

Chapter I

1847
Josette led the way, the forest was dark. With each breath the icy air wrapped my lungs in a sharp blood curdling embrace. I reached out for Josettes hand; I had always feared the dark. She took my hand and pulled me close. I steadied myself and clenched with my other hand a deathly grip around the waist of her coat damp leaves crunched beneath us, wetting the hem of our skirts, soaking our stockings in an uncomfortable sensation, adding to the terror which flew through my mind. There was something about the darkness that made silence unbearable. Most especially the darkness which inhabited the earliest hours of morning, so silent and still. Yet no comfort can be found in its weary peaceful state. As we walked, I allowed my mind to wander, giving life to every darkened silhouette before my eyes. The forest as my minds eye could see was alive and it was not fond of its visitors. Horrifying creatures lurked behind the trees, their senses heightened, their appetite desperate, as daylight was near and they hadn’t much time.

1863
I hadn’t much time. My legs throbbed and my heart pounded hard against my ribs. Hot blood beneath cold skin. I ran, the little one wrapped within my coat, its soft new skin hidden away from the frigid elements. The rain soaked me through. Feet pounding against the mud slicked ground. My heart cried within me, begging for mercy from the pain I had inflicted upon it. There was so much pain, as if a rusted dull blade was at work, ripping it in two. It begged for me to listen, to turn back, put aside the blade and return the being within my arms. With great effort, I ignored its desperate call. I ran.

1847
We walked on. The air began to thicken as first morning dew approached. I felt daylight was arriving, but I couldn’t be sure. The forest’s leafy sky kept our surroundings as cold and dark as the night had ever been. All was still except Josette and I; we tormented the silent creatures, which lay still beneath the ground. I tiptoed along our path, striving to keep each step quieter then the last. Josette, however, did not seem to share my fears. As my mind wandered far past imagination, hers remained still. I wasn’t sure whether she didn’t see the creatures which lurked in the trees, or she walked calmly simply because she was braver then I. I believed the latter, Josette was braver then I.

1863
As I thought of her, my heart let out an unearthly cry and it echoed through my lips. Tears escaped my eyes and flowed across my cheeks blending with the rain and falling to the ground. I was tired but I didn’t stop. I knew beyond a doubt that the moment I slowed, the impulse which ran through me would depart and my mind would once again begin its workings. I would think about her; Josette.

1847
“Josette,” I whispered through the silence,” where are you leading me?”
“Le Royaume, le royaume de la foret,” she answered.
“What kingdom?” I asked tugging at her arm, for she would not slow her pace, so as to answer me properly, “quel royaume,”
“The kingdom, Clair, what, how can you not know of the kingdom?” she asked, at last turning, a smile spread across her features, “the kingdom, it is the oldest and greatest kingdom in all the land, hidden within these very woods”
“How can that be?” I doubted, “if there is such a kingdom, la mère would have told us of it. She has lived amongst this estate since her and papa married,” I crossed my arms in triumph
“La mère does not know of the kingdom, it is a secret kingdom,” she said. My arms fell in defeat.
“If it is a secret kingdom, how do you know of it?”
“Because Clair, the kingdom belongs to me, don’t look so surprised. Maggie may call me a wild beast but I make an excellent queen, as do you,”
“Me?” my eyes widened
“Yes, queen Clair the gracious, you are beloved in the land for your kindness and your…” she thought “your dancing,”
“What of my beauty?” I asked with a shy glance
“You Clair are the most beautiful queen that ever lived. Oh you smile? No wonder Maggie says your a vain little missy, now we must walk,” she grabbed my arm and pulled me along “we are going to be dreadfully late, if we do not hurry, they have prepared a feast to welcome us, a feast of all our favorite sweeties,”
“Chocolate?” my heart raced with excitement
“Oui Clair, chocolate, loads of it.”
“How wonderful, I shall eat and eat until my belly is as big as papas,” laughter laced my voice
“Oh non, that is impossible,” Josette shared in my fit of laughter, we continued our walk. I felt suddenly light with the giddy realization that all was well. I heartily welcomed the sun as it finally streamed through the trees, warming the back of my neck, thawing my tiny fingers.
Within a few minutes we had reached are destinations. The smooth forest path lay behind us. Ahead, a foot hill marked the end of our path, beyond it a river streamed.
“Where is the kingdom?” I asked
“It’s right in front of you, silly, you must look harder Clair,” I looked at the scene before me, there was no great kingdom. I strained my eyes thinking perhaps I could will myself to see what she saw.
“How can you not see it? It is there just beyond the river, now do you see? You don’t have to crease your face so, it is there, yes now you see, isn’t it magnifiques,”
I watched as my imagination allowed the kingdom to take shape before me. The river shimmered against the sun. Tiny pixies swimming just beneath the surface, there sweet melodic laughter rang softly in my ears. Beyond Pixies River an iron gate painted gold and silver between two great trees marked the entrance of the kingdom. Still farther an angelic statue centered a cobbled stone path; its greatness surpassed all I had seen before. Porcelain white, it stood atop a great stone stand. Its wings outstretched upwards towards the sun. Its face tranquil and beautiful as it watched the world move around it. It was a silent guard, an unmovable force.

1863
I reached the forest edge, where the river lay. The rain no longer fell instead it hung in the air, in the form of heavy mist. I looked beyond the river, and there it was, the Kingdom. I looked at it now with none of the decorations of a Childs imagination,
It held no glory.
Perhaps it was never so magnificent, as my childish mind had led me to believe, or perhaps the coldness of time and loss had seeped within me. Had it rotted away the part of me that hoped? The part that imagined? No matter how I willed my mind to let the impossible live, the kingdom would not be.


1847
Four flat slate stones marked our way across the quickly streaming river. I removed my shoes and stockings and placed my foot carefully on the first; Josette followed. The rock was slippery, but I balanced. I readied myself to jump to the next stone. I jumped I landed safely, I turned to Josette, laughing at my triumph, she smiled back. I jumped again, then again, until I reached the other side.
“You are too slow, I have won, and won’t you cheer for me Josette… Josette,” she would not replay, I turned.
In a sudden ripple of horror I discovered the reason for her silence. The stone path was empty, Josette was gone. I stood frozen unable to comprehend.
“Help” a gasping cry leaped from the water,
“Josette” I screamed. Her tiny body had sunk beneath the rivers surface she gasped for air as the river ruthlessly pushed her along its hurried path. Her arms frenzied, grasping at the air above, reaching for me, my hands. I ran along the river side, blood rushing, my heart pounding against its cage. I lent over the edge extending my hand, I grabbed a hold of her arm. I began to pull her up; she coughed the water from her lungs, gathering air. As a foolish child I imagined that all was well again. Though now with the insight of adulthood I have realized the danger of the weak saving the strong, it will fail.
And so it did, I failed. My feet began to slip against the muddy grass of the river side, I fell forward. The river swept us away. Water racing above our head. I tried so very hard to gulp the air above but each time a furious crashing rapid would pull me back down. I felt myself lose control, the river moved me now. I could hear Josette’s scream. I could feel her movements pulsing through the water, but I let go, so weak and so tired, I gave up.
Suddenly, I felt a great thrust of strength pull me up towards the surface. An arm, bigger then any I had seen, grabbed a hold of me, and brought me to safety.
“Is she okay,” Josette’s weak voice cracked next to me, “is she breathing,” her voice grew desperate, I let out a hollow cough to relieve her. She sighed.
“That’s it,” I felt the arm around my back. I turned to discover its owner, a man of about seventeen sat next to me, he continued, “you are lucky I was out here, what do you think your doing, playing in the river at this hour, you both could’ve died,”
“We weren’t playing in the river we were trying to get to the other side,” Josette answered, the man laughed.
“The other side? What pray did you want to go there for?”
“The kingdom,” I answered, idly fixing my wet hair, suddenly aware of how handsome the stranger was. Black hair swung down across his blue eyes, and though he wore the clothes of a servant, I knew he was a prince from a faraway land.
“Clair, do you forget the kingdom is a secret,” Josette whispered. The stranger heard.
“Oh so there is a secret kingdom within this very forest, funny how I never saw it, lived here my whole life, perhaps I wasn’t looking hard enough,” he squinted towards the river, “no nothing, just a forest,” his mocking tone, cut through Josette, she grabbed my arm and pulled me up. I attempted to resist, but Josette was determined to save her pride.
“We will be going now, good day,” Josette attempted to gather her self, the stranger laughed to himself as we walked away
“Your welcome,” he called out after us, we did not reply. We walked home, silent, angry, and so very wet.

1863
Before me now laid the ruins of childhood. As I looked upon the world I once knew, tiny fragments of what used to be returned, like shards of glass they cut my skin. What caught my eye now after all these years was the statue. When I first looked at it all those years before it held all the wonder a Childs mind could possess. The magnificent guardian, with all its beautiful tranquility, holding true through time.
What was once porcelain white now was worn and grey. Its wings still stretched upward towards the sun, but it was not watching, nor guarding, it was escaping. Its face etched in pain; tortured by its stone prison it was fighting to be free.
From the distance I could hear the sound of wheels turning, and hooves trotting. The coach was arriving. I ran down the hill to catch sight. It stopped.
“Any belongings miss,” the driver asked
“No,” I answered
“Right then, get in then,” he motioned for me to enter the coach, I did so.
As I sat, I removed the wet bonnet from my head, and my soaked cloak, I wrapped her in my arms, she cried,
“Shhh,” I said softly as I rocked the infant in my arms, she didn’t find comfort in my touch, she wailed louder now, “please my love, please,” I began to cry, what have I done.
The coach started, I could not turn back. I began to remember as I hadn’t let myself before. All the tiny glass fragments within me bonded together, creating glass windows I could gaze through. I could see now whole pieces of my life that I had thought were locked away forever, my memories.
Last edited by ScarlettWinters on Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:04 am, edited 5 times in total.
  





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25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1465
Reviews: 25
Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:57 am
Stargirl101 says...



Oh! It was so beauiful! This is a truly astounding piece of literature! I'm not usually the biggest fan of Historical Literature, but this was so amazing1 The detail in each sentence; not too much, but not too little at the same time. You have promise as a writer, and the whole idea of losing your imagination as you age is a good point. It is also true about the people who still clutch to their imagination as they grow older. Beautiful sentence structure and punctuation. There was only one typo I could see and that was when you put 'then' instead of 'than'. Other than that, everything else was great. Keep up the good work!
Presence is a curious thing. If you need to prove you’ve got it, probably never had it in the first place. It’s not an ostentatious, adolescent display. It should be something effortless. Somebody once said: ‘The whisper is louder than the shout.’ Well amen to that.
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:41 pm
AlfredSymon says...



Hi Scarlett Winters! Here bbbrrrrr I am for a bbrrrrrr Quick Critique! (Why did it turn so cold?!)

So, I really love history! The words, the dates, the people...oh, okay, we're talking about historical fiction. Well, I love them too! So here I attack!!!!!!

Concept & Theme: :D :D :D :)
A completely natural one; I related it with ethnic tribes when I first read it. It is a test for most folk children to undergo hard tasks to be considered citizens, and I think the main character and its friends were children taking the risk for achieving this special success which is, based on your piece, a kingdom fit fit a child. You had a creative idea and I am proud to say that you expound it well. I, as your reader, was affected as well. It is important to affix your piece to affect the readers, and you did this part well ;)

Characters & Settings: :D :D :D :) :?
You introduced your characters in one hit, which is pretty fine with me. I also like your time setting since it moved in a fast-paced compendium. Well in our time, it is, but in their time it was slow. This is an aspect of your worked which I really liked. The journey was so long, and they're still young. How can they do that? How did they do that? These are few questions which appeared on my mind. I do advise you to give the place they went through a name, or a title at least. It gives more effect since this is historical fiction.

Technicalities: :D :D :D :)
There are some things I would like to point out.
Try to check up your dialogue because they were a bit cramped, expanding them might beautify the presentation. Also, please watch out for punctuation mistakes. Although I think all of the ones I've found were typos, so just, again, try to check-up your piece.
I hadn’t much time
If you look to this hard enough, there is no proper verb.
Josette led the way, the forest was dark. With each breath the icy air wrapped my lungs in a sharp blood curdling embrace.

Okay, so these three clauses can actually be formed in to one with more effect and impact:
Josette led the way into the dreary foliage; the icy air wrapped my lungs with a sharp blood-curdling embrace with each breath.

As you can see, I changed 'dark forest' to 'dreary foliage'. Foliage is a part of a forest, and so using it can enhance the sensory image of readers. Although 'drear' doesn't mean dark, the meaning of the word can strike a cold feel to readers, indirectly meaning dark. I also interchanged the different clauses into one more understandable clause.
Okay, so the comment above is GENERAL. It's not exactly a critique, but a tip because you used the old technique a few times here in this piece, and I think this new technique works more better. But also bear this in mind! I only put this 'technicalities' area to alert writers of some confusing things in the piece, not to actually imply they're wrong. This is because many writers, including me, uses conventions wherein some grammatical laws are broken. And they're just beautiful. This area is just to assure you if those confusing things in the piece are conventions, or typos.
Rock on rule-breakers!

Content: :D :D :D :D
What's to change? Your idea, girl, is wonderful. It's coming to a novel, I think. The idea is wide and I think you can expand it. Concerning this area, I think I like best the structure. In each chapter, most of which are coming, are different fragments. This system widens the view of the reader and interests them. It also makes the presentation less boring. A lot of story posters here typed their works in a concise presentation. There are no white spaces nor line breaks! Making the work dull to read because of length. But with YOURS, well I think, it's great because it looked short albeit its length. Beautifully presented! Your words are also very effective! Great work!

Overall: :D :D :D :D :)
Wow Scarlett! As a reader, I was astounded by the beauty of overall piece. Graceful, slow but face-paced and a contradictory of cold and hot. As a writer, your work are very good, no need to worry! Just a little grammar brush-up and then a novel is born! ;)

Also, I think the first part of the piece really stands on its own. How about posting that part with the other essays? I think a little advertisement won't hurt.

Your reviewer for today,
Al, Quick Critic
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Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:08 pm
ScarlettWinters says...



thanks so much you two, really helpful
  








"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening