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Young Writers Society


The Thieves' Guild (Chapters 1 & 2)



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Wed Jan 25, 2012 3:28 am
InkDrop says...



Spoiler! :
Brief Synopsis:
An arrogant boy with more money than he could ever need joins the poverty-stricken Thieves' Guild, wanting nothing more than a life full of adventure. He is taken as an apprentice and does his best to excel at the art of thievery, but soon his thirst becomes harder and harder to sate. Will his teacher be able to rein him in before he crosses the line and enters a world of no return?

I may be editing chapter two - I had a friend read it and they made wonderful, wonderful comments, so let's see if you guys find the same things~ :smt002

Forgive me if I miss one of the italicized areas; transferring this from a word document to here can be quite the task for the technologically challenged~ xD



Chapter One

He was going to catch one of them in a trap of his own.

Something fairly simple to design, the trap was the one thing he had been given by his father that sparked his curiosity. Days passed quickly as the young boy watched it being constructed. The sound of hammer upon nail didn’t fascinate him, nor did the sweat soiling the adept worker’s shirt. No, it was something much more than that; the fact that he, a boy of merely twelve, was going to catch a thief. With that device. He had watched closely as many thieves gradually broke into his home over the years, seen their meticulous movements, and kept an eye out for any wrong step… So now, after two years of waiting, he had found their weakness. The thieves were not as cunning as they thought, or so Leeroy was convinced. Of course, he hadn’t actually met a thief. That would be beneath him as one born to wealth.

Despite this invisible status barrier, the stories of a golden-gated utopia known as the Thieves’ Guild enraptured him, made his mouth water and his eyes light aflame. Every soul in the expanse of the human universe knew of the Thieves’ Guild. It was the haven for the lonely peasant, the adventure for the young at heart, and even the gateway to freedom. And now, after praying to the stars for a miracle, Leeroy Bams thought he had found one. His own miracle to save him from the life that was thrust upon him.

~~

The light click of a window closing seemed to echo throughout the candle-lit hall. Emerald eyes darted from one darkened corner to the next, careful not to miss any sign of movement. A small sigh escaped parted lips as tension seemed to ease off her shoulders. It was a calm night for the Season of Fire, and this wasn’t something Ira enjoyed. Chaotic partying was known to fill the streets of Joyard, but tonight was no such night. The lamps scattered across the cobblestone roads remained dim, but no breeze graced the souls drifting through the streets. No, the ones wandering were left with dust in their lungs and cracking skin. The sun had dipped beneath the horizon many hours ago, and this brought the townsfolk out into the slowly-dropping temperatures and away from their hand-made paper fans.

Ira Levine, not needing anyone in the small town to remember her face, had crept swiftly and silently through the crevices separating households and into the thickening shadows awaiting her, beckoning to her. Shadows knew her well, and they had kept her safe on numerous occasions, just like this one. And now, as she leaned against an inside wall of the Bams’ Manor, she gave a silent prayer to whatever deities that happened to be listening. No one had seen her. Phase one of her mission was complete.


~~


Chapter Two

The stillness of the mansion sent chills through Ira’s body. Upon entering the building, the only movement and sounds interrupting the calm quiet was her own, each step taken threatening to tip the balance. Every breath she took was carefully made, and she was sure to watch the stillness for any fluctuation. Of course, as the night went on, she found comfort in being the only thing seeming alive. It was as though she was center stage, an actress captivating the audience with her movements. Pausing, she took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, letting the moment take over her senses. It was there that she made a mistake; the one Leeroy Bams was waiting for.

The sound of tile panels shifting caught Ira’s attention first. Her eyes snapped open, but by then it was too late. Four gated walls surrounded her, each one consisting of metal bars vertically positioned, and the cover to her confinement was solid steel. Lights were raised then, and she forced her eyes to remain open. Now was not the time to let the sudden change in lighting affect her, and she knew that perfectly well. How could I be so stupid!

Whatever floor panels had been previously moving were already reverted back to their original state, as Ira couldn’t see a single tile out of place. Magic? Her eyes were now adjusted to the light, and they were scouring every surface of the room she could see. She found herself in an immaculate dining area. A large, elongated table was placed in the center of the room, and it had dozens of matching chairs all equally spaced apart. Every object in there could have easily had someone hiding behind it, and this kept Ira’s guard at its highest. Where are they…

The thud of a book closing caught her attention as it broke the silence and echoed through the room. Ira watched as two tiny feet appeared from the edge of the table. Legs eased their way into her view as well, but that was all. No other parts of the body were visible, and she watched as they simply dangled over the edge. Those look like children feet… As she stared, she noticed the intricate detail embedded into the bit of clothing she could see. It was obvious this person had the money to spend on the everything top of the line, from the decorative hangings covering the whitewashed walls to the equally white linen tablecloth. Ira peeked at her shoes and couldn’t help but to scowl. Dirt lightly coated every inch of them, and her toes could be seen poking through a few miniscule holes on the sides.

“Don’t worry, I won’t turn you into a frog or anything silly like that.”

Another thud, and Ira assumed the book she heard earlier was placed upon the dining table. That wasn’t what she was focused on, though. That voice… It was obviously a child.

…And Ira hated children.

There she was, a grown woman of twenty-six, on a mission to infiltrate one of the wealthiest family’s estates, and she ends up in some makeshift cage with a child as her captor. This was easily not something she was going to reminisce about.

As she stood brooding, the young boy hopped off the table and shuffled over to his captive, his footsteps barely making any noise at all. He came within five feet of the cage but wouldn’t move any closer. “Hmm.” One hand upon his chin, he seemed to gaze analytically at Ira, with his left leg stretched out. “I was hoping for someone more fearsome, but I suppose you’ll do.”

Ira scoffed, refusing to utter a word. Instead she took to remembering the boy’s physique so she’d know who to mentally kill later.

“Speak, knave, before I change my mind about transforming you.” The boy now had his arms crossed, but his lips formed a thin line. “Or are you incompetent? Oh, please, don’t tell me I’ve gone through all this trouble for some daft woman who can’t even understand the syllables issuing from my mouth…”

A vein protruded from Ira’s forehead, and she took two quick steps toward the blonde before her, a glare marring her face. “Do you have any idea how old you actually are? Or are you too naïve to realize you’re wearing child attire?”

It was true; young Mr. Bams was wearing what the wealthy children all wore. Matching sky blue shirt and shorts, each hemmed with golden trim and with an elaborate pattern strewn across its surface. Beneath the knee length shorts was some white material that lightly caressed the skin and kept the dust from the road at bay. The hat resting upon his head was puffed up on top, reminding Ira of a muffin. It was the same shade of blue as everything else, and it also had the golden pattern.

The boy seemed taken aback by Ira’s words and jerked a step backwards. “How dare you speak to me that way, peasant! I’ll… I’ll…” He paused, seeming at a loss for words. “No matter! I’ve brought you here for a reason, and you are going to fulfill my every requirement before I release you from your binding to me. Is that clear?” His moment of insecurity had left as quickly as it had appeared, and in its place was sheer confidence. Of what, though, Ira had no idea.

“This is ridiculous,” she muttered, taking one final step forward and grabbing the cool, metal bars. “In no way am I bound to you, and I shall not be doing any of your—“ Wait, she thought, forcing herself to pause. A few seconds went by before she continued. “Alright then. Name your terms.” She removed her hands from the metal and crossed her arms, watching the boy intently.

Leeroy Bams gave a short nod, seeming not to think anything of her sudden change of attitude. “As soon as I release you from that contraption, you are to take me to the Thieves Guild. You will persuade the most elite of your kind to teach me the ways of the thief, and at no time before then will I allow you to leave our agreement.”

“And if I refuse?”

“I’ll turn you into my guards and they’ll throw you into jail. From what I’ve heard, that’s no place for a lady.” Leeroy eyed Ira for a moment, his eyes shifting to show a look of disgust. “Then again, I’m not quite sure you fit that requirement.”

Ira blinked. She didn’t know what other action to do at that moment, besides strangling the child, and that currently wasn’t an option. Take him the Guild? It was preposterous. Only a fool would agree to such terms, and that fool would be seen on every single wanted poster in the continent. Unless that person isn’t a fool at all, she mused, the thought turning gears in her head. “You’ve got a deal.”
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music." --Unknown
  





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Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:16 am
firefly882 says...



Hey InkDrop, Firefly in for the review as per request! ;)

As is my usual style, I'll be combing through your piece and reviewing as I read, followed by any nit-picks I may have and a summary of what I went over.

(Blue words) in parentheses represent my personal comments,
—Anything green is a correction to spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc.,
Off-yellow words will act as a highlight, in which I will explain why they are highlighted at the end of the quote,
—And red words that are struck out should be removed, as they are either repetitive or unnecessary.

Right, on with your review!

He was going to catch one of them in a trap of his own.


Good opening line! It's short, simple and hooks the reader's interest.

Something fairly simple to design, the trap was the one thing he had been given by his father that sparked his curiosity. Days passed quickly as the young boy watched it being constructed (Personally, I'd phrase this as "watched its construction," but that's just me). The sound of hammer upon nail didn’t fascinate him, nor did the sweat soiling the adept worker’s shirt (You mentioned his father giving him this as a gift before. Is his father making it, or another worker?). No, it was something much more than that; the fact that he, a boy of merely twelve, was going to catch a thief with that device. He had watched closely as many thieves gradually broke into his home over the years, studied their meticulous movements, and kept an eye out for any wrong step. And now, after two years of waiting, he had found their weakness. The thieves were not as cunning as they thought, or so Leeroy was convinced; of course, he hadn’t actually met a thief. That would be beneath him as one born to wealth.


The reason that last sentence is highlighted is because your main character comes across as snobbish in that sentence. If Leeroy is one of those many, many spoiled rich kids you read about in so many fantasy novels, then leave it. If you're trying to use this as a way to inform the reader that Leeroy is well-off, try incorporating that earlier on. Suggest it to the reader by, perhaps, describing the worker who is building the trap as his father's servant. Subtle hints are a great way to inform the reader without directly telling them.

Despite this invisible status barrier, the stories of a golden-gated utopia known as the Thieves’ Guild enraptured him, made his mouth water and his eyes light aflame (I'd suggest using a different description; "aflame" makes it seem like his eyes are on fire, and I'm sure that's not what you mean! ;)). Every soul in the expanse of the human universe knew of the Thieves’ Guild. It was a haven for the lonely peasant, an adventure for the young at heart, and even a gateway to freedom (Personal freedom, of physical? If personal, add that in before "freedom"; if physical, mention slaves or escaped convicts after). And now, after praying to the stars for a miracle, Leeroy Bams thought he had found one. His own miracle to save him from the life that was thrust upon him.


So, this last sentence confuses me. Leeroy is wealthy, we've established that. But is he unhappy with it? If so, then this sentence contrasts with the one I highlighted earlier. What I mean is, by saying that him never meeting a thief is "beneath him," you imply that Leeroy enjoys the social barrier between classes. If he is unhappy, find a way to show the reader why. Is his father a tyrannical lord? Is his family only mildly well-off, and as a result he is teased by the more wealthier kids and dreams of fame and fortune to offset this unhappiness he feels?

The light click of a window closing seemed to echo throughout the candle-lit hall (Try describing the echo; did it sound like a gunshot or was it more of a muted whisper? Also, is the hallway empty?). Emerald eyes darted from one darkened corner to the next, careful not to miss any sign of movement. A small sigh escaped parted lips as tension seemed to ease off her shoulders. It was a calm night for the Season of Fire, and this wasn’t something Ira enjoyed. Chaotic partying was known to fill the streets of Joyard, but tonight was no such night. The lamps scattered across the cobblestone roads remained dim, but no breeze graced the souls drifting through the streets. No, the ones wandering were left with cracked skin and dust in their lungs. The sun had dipped beneath the horizon many hours ago, and this brought the townsfolk out into the slowly-dropping temperatures and away from their hand-made paper fans.


Other than those two nit-picks, I have nothing further to say about this passage. It was an excellent transition into your second main character! Congrats, as this is a very tricky thing to do. :smt023

Ira Levine, not needing anyone in the small town to remember her face, (We assume this already because we assume that she is a thief) had crept swiftly and silently through the crevices separating the households and into the thickening shadows awaiting her, beckoning to her. Shadows knew her well, and they had kept her safe on numerous occasions, just like this one. And now, as she leaned against an inside wall of the Bams’ Manor, she gave a silent prayer to whatever deities that happened to be listening. No one had seen her. Phase one of her mission was complete.


Ooh, exciting! I wonder what her mission is...;)

The stillness of the mansion sent chills through Ira’s body (Is it cold inside? Normally I'm more of a show over tell person when it comes to fiction, but in this case it's OK to tell us :)). Upon entering the building, the only movement and sounds disturbing the calm quiet was her own; each step she took threatened to tip the balance. Every breath she took was carefully made (How do you "carefully make" a breath? Try saying that she exhaled slowly instead, as that's more natural and easier for readers to understand), and she was sure to watch the stillness for any fluctuation. Of course, as the night went on she found comfort in being the only thing seeming alive (This suggests that she is a thing and that everything else is dead; however, this sentence does remind me of that one line from "Twas The Night Before Christmas", where "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."). It was as though she was center stage, an actress captivating the audience with her movements. Pausing, she took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, letting the moment take over her senses. It was there that she made a mistake; the one Leeroy Bams was waiting for.


Again, good transition from Ira to Leeroy.

Whatever floor panels had been previously moving were already reverted back to their original state, as Ira couldn’t see a single tile out of place. Magic? Her eyes were now adjusted to the light, she scoured every surface of the room she could see. She found herself in an immaculate dining area. A large, elongated table was placed in the center of the room, and it had dozens of matching chairs all equally spaced apart. Every object in there could have easily hid someone behind it, and this kept Ira’s guard at its highest. Where are they?


The thud of a book closing caught her attention as it broke the silence and echoed throughout the room. Ira watched as two tiny feet appeared from the edge of the table. Legs eased their way into her view as well, but that was all; no other part of the body was visible, and she watched as they simply dangled over the edge. Those look like children's feet… As she stared, she noticed the intricate detail embedded into the bit of clothing she could see. It was obvious this person had the money to spend on the everything top of the line, from the decorative hangings covering the whitewashed walls to the equally white linen tablecloth. Ira peeked at her shoes and couldn’t help but to scowl. Dirt lightly coated every inch of them, and her toes could be seen poking through a few miniscule holes on the sides.


And Ira hated children.

There she was, a grown woman of twenty-six, on a mission to infiltrate one of the wealthiest family’s estates, and she ends up in some makeshift cage with a child as her captor. This was easily not something she was going to reminisce about. (Perhaps not reminisce, as one usually does that when thinking back on something fondly; maybe she can't forgive herself for this mistake she made?)


Ira scoffed, refusing to utter a word. Instead she took to studying the boy’s physique, so she’d know who to mentally kill later (This implies that she's getting out. Instead of "later," try saying "once she gets out").


“Speak, knave, before I change my mind about transforming you.” The boy now had his arms crossed, but his lips formed a thin line. “Or are you incompetent? Oh, please, don’t tell me I’ve gone through all this trouble for some daft woman who can’t even understand the syllables issuing from my mouth…”


How many twelve-year-old children do you know who speak like this? He may be well-off, and as a result of this his vocabulary should be impressive, but keep in mind that he is only twelve, and as a writer you need to build a tether between your MC and your readers. By tether, I mean a line in which the reader can relate to the MC. Not many are used to a twelve-year-old boy talking as if he's a thirty-year-old scholar.

The boy seemed taken aback by Ira’s words and jerked a step backwards. “How dare you speak to me that way, peasant! I’ll… I’ll…” He paused, seeming at a loss for words. “No matter! I’ve brought you here for a reason, and you are going to fulfill my every requirement before I release you from your binding to me. Is that clear?” His moment of insecurity had left as quickly as it had appeared, and in its place was sheer confidence. Of what, though, Ira had no idea.


Ira blinked. She didn’t know what else to do at that moment, besides strangling the child, and that currently wasn’t an option. Take him to the Guild? It was preposterous. Only a fool would agree to such terms, and that fool would be seen on every single wanted poster in the continent. Unless that person isn’t a fool at all, she mused, the thought turning gears in her head. “You’ve got a deal.”


All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. The action was nicely paced, the characters have form to them, and the passages flow smoothly from one to the next. Aside from the comments I made earlier, I have nothing further to say. Good work, InkDrop. I look forward to reading more about Ira and Leeroy.

~Firefly
"Have I ever told you the story about how our kingdom was nearly torn apart by greed and betrayal? No? Well then gather 'round, my children, and let Ol' Nan tell you about the Legends of Arenthul." ~Naneria
  








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