Young Writers Society

Prologue:

Dreary...no
Weary...yes
Watching all the little lambs from below, he wondered, how tough of a life they must be going through. He pondered for a moment, then studied the environment. What was once created by god, was now dominated by these lambs. Destroyed, he wouldn't say. He sighed, knowing that pity wouldn't work on the lambs.
"Father?" he asked. "How could you let them destroy your masterpiece?" He gritted his teeth. It was all their fault! If those wicked lambs hadn't mess with the sacred texts, none of this could've been happening. He felt the rush of power, bursting in his hands. "You'll pay! All of you!" he yelled. Getting ready to emit the power he held in his hands, he glanced down. None of them had heard him. Oh no, that's because they were busy with ruining father's creation.
They didn't care, what do they know? They were too busy looking for a hole to crawl in, that they can't even have a peek on what's behind. Pathetic, all of them. Screaming loudly, he thrusted his arm forward. A pang of pain suddenly hit him. He fell bended on his knees, while pressing on his chest. "Sariel" said a voice, "that is enough." A man with sheer beauty appeared. He was wearing a white robe, his long blond hair cascaded down on his shoulders as he took of his hood.
His blue eyes met Sariel's black pair. "Why?" asked Sariel. "Why Norhim? Why do you wish to protect those... those monsters!" Sweat was dripping from Sariels face. Norhim frowned, he was trying to fight off the spell. He bended in front of Sariel. Sariel's face was full of loathing, and rage. "Who ever said I protected demons?" mocked Norhim. Sariel looked up at Norhim with venomous eyes. "This isn't a joke", Sariel spat.
"Really?" teased Norhim, his eyes big as he said so. Sariel scowled at him. "Just leave me alone!" shouted Sariel.
"Sorry I can't do that."
"Why not?"
Norhim looked at Sariel for a moment, there was no way of getting out of this one. He had to tell Sariel of what was to be done. But then again Sariel, wouldn't agree to do it. Force must be use if necessary, which it will.
He looked up at the sky, it was dark tonight and the moon shined brightly.
"Hey!" yelled Sariel. "What's wrong with you?" Norhim looked at Sariel he didn't' liked the idea but it had to be done. Sariel looked his friend, something was bothering him. But what? "Norhim you're scaring me!" Sariel confessed. Norhim closed his eyes and took a long deep breath.
When he opened his eyes, he knew what was to be done, and it had to be done. "Sariel..." he murmured. "You have to impregnate one of mother earths young woman".

I think that this is supposed to be in the fiction section, not in writing activities!

<sighs and whispers to Eleinasari> Why dont people read m'dear?

---

This belongs in fiction. Click "Literary" at the top and then go into your specified genre.

Thank you,
Mr Adam Alcock,
The Purple Balloon
Menor of YWS,
Official Know It All!

Ele makes a pertinent point. Moved.

ELEIN lol.

Since it's already here, I'll make a critique.

a) Format (how I hate that word.)= spaces between paragraphs.


Quote:
Watching all the little lambs from below, he wondered, how tough of a life they must be going through.
I don’t get this sentence.

Quote:
Dreary...no
Weary...yes
What is this?

Quote:
He gritted his teeth. It was all their fault! If those wicked lambs hadn't mess with the sacred texts, none of this could've been happening.
‘Could’ve been happening’?

Quote:
They were too busy looking for a hole to crawl in, that they can't even have a peek on what's behind.
You have two different times in one short sentence.

Quote:
Screaming loudly, he thrusted his arm forward.
Where to? What for? Why? And TIMES. ‘thrusted; is not a word. It’s thrust.

Quote:
A man with sheer beauty appeared
I’m not entirely sure that this sentence is correct.

Quote:
Norhim frowned, he was trying to fight off the spell. He bended in front of Sariel.
TIMES. Reread this sentence. Are you really 16?

Quote:
Norhim looked at Sariel for a moment, there was no way of getting out of this one.
A semicolon instead of a comma. Or two different sentences. Whichever you choose, just change it.

Quote:
Norhim looked at Sariel he didn't' liked the idea but it had to be done.
Incorrect, Rewrite it.

Quote:
"Sariel..." he murmured. "You have to impregnate one of mother earths young woman".
‘Women’. Plural

Sorry to say, I didn’t like it. -But that’s my personal opinion.

Lots of mistakes. I want to know what this has to do with Archangels (which is one word, not two). To tell you the truth, there are only five Archangels and one fallen Archangel, so unless these two characters are just Angels or some other level of heavenly beings they have no place to be called Archangels.

Hey, this is only the beginning, isn't it? Other Angels can still come...

-elein

True, I just want to know if she's referring to them as Archangels.

i'm new people so would you be nice i appreciate that you voiced out your own opinion and i thank you for telling me it belongs to the literary section but it's just a story is sentences seemed vague or ambigous to you i'm sorry but it meant human (lambs) and about archangels with different names i'm not making much of the gabriel and them angels i'm making this like new ones don't stick to the holy texts i know about them but i don't wanna use the same old characters

Hey baka-arisa! Please don't post your stories more than once. If it's different, at least change the title or say edited. I deleted the other one, but saved the text. It's at the end of my post.

Dreary...no
Weary...yes

These need end punctuation.

"Sorry I can't do that."

A comma after sorry would make this flow better.

If you double space your dialogue, it'll look nicer on a page, but that's just a nitpick.

I like how fast moving your story is. It could use a little more description so I could get a better idea of what everything looks like, but as it is it's very fun to read.

Sariel's transition from annoyed to furious seemed a little sudden. Maybe you could talk more about his thoughts in these moments?

Here's your other post.

Prologue:

Dreary...no
Weary...yes
Watching all the little lambs from below, he wondered, how tough of a life they must be going through. He pondered for a moment, then studied the environment. What was once created by god, was now dominated by these lambs. Destroyed, he wouldn't say. He sighed, knowing that pity wouldn't work on the lambs.
"Father?" he asked. "How could you let them destroy your masterpiece?" He gritted his teeth. It was all their fault! If those wicked lambs hadn't mess with the sacred texts, none of this could've been happening. He felt the rush of power, bursting in his hands. "You'll pay! All of you!" he yelled. Getting ready to emit the power he held in his hands, he glanced down. None of them had heard him. Oh no, that's because they were busy with ruining father's creation.
They didn't care, what do they know? They were too busy looking for a hole to crawl in, that they can't even have a peek on what's behind. Pathetic, all of them. Screaming loudly, he thrusted his arm forward. A pang of pain suddenly hit him. He fell bended on his knees, while pressing on his chest. "Sariel" said a voice, "that is enough." A man with sheer beauty appeared. He was wearing a white robe, his long blond hair cascaded down on his shoulders as he took of his hood.
His blue eyes met Sariel's black pair. "Why?" asked Sariel. "Why Norhim? Why do you wish to protect those... those monsters!" Sweat was dripping from Sariels face. Norhim frowned, he was trying to fight off the spell. He bended in front of Sariel. Sariel's face was full of loathing, and rage. "Who ever said I protected demons?" mocked Norhim. Sariel looked up at Norhim with venomous eyes. "This isn't a joke", Sariel spat.
"Really?" teased Norhim, his eyes big as he said so. Sariel scowled at him. "Just leave me alone!" shouted Sariel.
"Sorry I can't do that."
"Why not?"
Norhim looked at Sariel for a moment, there was no way of getting out of this one. He had to tell Sariel of what was to be done. But then again Sariel, wouldn't agree to do it. Force must be use if necessary, which it will.
He looked up at the sky, it was dark tonight and the moon shined brightly.
"Hey!" yelled Sariel. "What's wrong with you?" Norhim looked at Sariel he didn't' liked the idea but it had to be done. Sariel looked his friend, something was bothering him. But what? "Norhim you're scaring me!" Sariel confessed. Norhim closed his eyes and took a long deep breath.
When he opened his eyes, he knew what was to be done, and it had to be done. "Sariel..." he murmured. "You have to impregnate one of mother earths young woman".

Thanks for posting! Good luck with your story.