Haven't read any of the other reviews, so I might repeat something, but here goes.
"He's not going to make it," Dean notified me.
This seems... really cold. I'm not sure who these two characters are. My first impression was that they were kids, even despite the bit about your MC being nineteen. They just seemed so dumbstruck as to what to do. But then this seems really calm and collected for a character who seemed to be dumbstruck at the sight of the fire. It just be the word-choice here. "Notified" makes me think of office memos and red-alerts. Cool, dispassionate and collected. Is that what you are going for here? It's got me confused about these characters. Getting to see a bit more of them earlier, giving us a little background on them so we know who we're following around here, would be nice.
Mmm, the flashback really seemed to come the heck out of nowhere. It just sort of popped in and popped out without really doing much. I get that maybe it was to show the connection between your MC and his village and how he's lost everything, but... it doesn't really do that. I want to see him actually interacting with them, or else I want to see him mourning them a bit. As is, he just sort of walks off all steely-eyed. Was he always this callous? Did this harden him up? If so, I want to see him before he got this thick skin. I want to see him being vulnerable, being attached to things. The flashback doesn't really do this. It just felt like an info-dump rather than a real emotion-jerking moment.
I'm intrigued, but not really hooked. I'm curious more than really attached to any of the characters or their plight. Slow down a little. Flesh them out. Give us something to grab onto, rather than zooming on with the action so quickly.
I'mma off to the next chapter. Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!
~GryphonFledgling
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