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Utopia chapter 2



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Wed Dec 28, 2011 5:59 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



“A god’s palace ”


“So, Shadow, what can I do with this thing at the moment?” I ask in a curious tone.

“At the moment you can create things from ordinary objects and absolutely nothing. You can also open up portals that can take you to anywhere in the world your in.” Shadow says in the same tone he always uses.

“Ok. So we’ll need a place to operate from. An "H.Q." of sorts. A place that we can do what is needed without anyone knowing where we are.” I ponder on the thought for a moment when it hits me. I snap my fingers incertainty. “I’ve got it!” I shout looking into the setting sun. I close my eyes and hold out my hand. I try to do like Shadow said and open a portal to my destination. Finally a sound of lightning and whistling filled my ears. I open my eyes to see a glowing circle had appeared in front of me. It had a whitish glow to it and the rest of it was a light blue color.

“Simply step in and you shall arrive at your destination.” Shadow says. I take a step into the light and appear on a sandy beach. I turn to see Troy and Lindsey come through behind me and then shadow.

“So where are we?” Troy asks looking around at the long deserted beach.

“Welcome to the Bermuda Triangle!” I say with my arms stretched out wide.

“The Bermuda Triangle!” Troy and Lindsey gasp correspondingly.

“Yep. I thought it would be the best place to hide the H.Q.” I say rubbing my hands together. “Shadow, do you think you can shrink down to the size of a small bird?” I ask Shadow out of nowhere.

“Yes, why?” he asks with his head cocked side ways.

“It’ll make you easier to carry.” I answer looking off into the distant horizon. I look over to him and he starts to shrink down till he is the size of an orange. The small black figure then looks at us like we are gargantuan, which we pretty much were. Lindsey then bends down and picks him up carefully and holds him close to her chest.

“Alright, get close to me guys.” I say looking at Troy to my right and Lindsey to my left. I take Troy and Lindsey by the arms and start to rise of the sandy ground and into the misty fog that started to appear over the forward ocean. We were then out over the waters a good mile from the shore.

“So where are we going?!” I hear Troy yell over the rushing sound of the wind.

“Far enough away from the shore!” I yell back. I then look out over the ocean and then back in front of me to the mist. I feel so alive and free. Like a gull high in a cloudy sky. I feel like I could just fly forever up here, I think to myself as I feel the salty air and wind rush over me.

After about two hours of flying through the mist, I come to a stop. “This is perfect.” I say letting go of Lindsey and Troy. When I let go they start to scream but they suddenly stop in midair. I start to laugh at the two. “Did you really think I’d let you guys fall?” I ask still laughing. They both give me looks of anger and Troy gives me a slug to the shoulder. Lindsey just doesn’t look at me for a few minutes.

“So what are we out here for?” Lindsey asks.

“Our new home.” I say with a ambitious smile. I change my face to one of concentration and raise my hands to the sea. After a second, beams of light and lightning spring my fingers and go out over the sea for several yards. I begin to strain, like as if I was trying to push a fully loaded semi.

Several seconds later, the waters start to bubble and then large gold figures begin to arise from the waters. After about 10 minutes, the entire structure had risen form the sea. A massive golden palace had risen form the sea settled on hundreds of golden pillars. Troy and Lindsey were in shock at my creation. I then felt dizzy and fell to my knees covered in sweat. Troy and Lindsey drop to their knees and make sure I’m alright. Shadow then jumps from Lindsey’s hands and grows back to his original size. “You shouldn’t push yourself to making large creations such as this.” Shadow says speaking in a more concerned tone that I haven’t seen yet.

“Well, we need somewhere to live so I figured, why not live in style.” I answer with a red-faced smile.

After I regain my strength I pull myself up to my feet and then fly us to the palace. I set us down in what I made to be a garden. Golden paths flowed through it with many flowers of different kinds and colors decorating the walls and the rest of the floors. Lindsey and Troy were entranced at the sight of the vast collection. I then led them to the main chamber. After a few minutes I brought them into the main chamber and all I heard was Lindsey and Troy correspondingly saying, “Wow!” The main chamber was massive with red wood walls and a pure gold floor. There was a piano, a massive flat screen TV on the wall surrounded by a Dining table that could seat at least twenty people and was engulfed in food. Two Turkeys with gravy at the sides, a roasted pig, assortments of grapes, apples, and other fruits and vegetables, soups, bowls of different kinds of bread, three bowls of ice with several different kinds of whine, and many more foods. Twenty golden plates and silverware and clear whine glasses all arranged in front of twenty wooden chairs.

“All this for us?” Lindsey asks.

“Yep.” I answer her quick and clear. The walls were decorated with many paintings from many different famous artists and a massive clear window that reaches from the floor to the ceiling, which was about…forty feet high. At the moment you could only see the fog and the waves below but it was still beautiful.

“Alright, you said we’re gonna go to other worlds and find people for an army. How do we do that?” Troy asks. I look to Shadow,

“Shadow, how do we go to other worlds?”

“You simply concentrate on which one you wish and a portal will appear and take you to your destination.” he answers. This makes me think for a moment. How do I concentrate on a world when I don’t know any others then this one. Then a thought hits me. I walk over to the opposite wall of the TV and hold my hands. I then concentrate and again light and lightning spring from my hands. After a second it stops and a massive mirror has appeared on the wall in front of me.

It looks about 10 feet high and 6 feet wide with a gold frame with a sapphire at the bottom the size of golf ball. The mirror doesn't hold my reflection but it a dark mixture of blues and greens in it. I hear Lindsey, Troy, and Shadow's footsteps behind me. “What is that?” Lindsey asks.

“It’s a mirror. This will search all the other worlds no matter how many they are and it will tell me who they are and which world they are in.” I answer with a proud tone.

“How will you know when it has James?”

“This sapphire will start to glow when its found someone. I'll also just know when it has.” After I explained that I started to think about something else. Troy called me James. No god I’ve heard of has ever had a name that simple. “One other thing,” I add after finishing my explanation of the mirror. “Call me….Rollex.”

They look at me for a moment of confusion but then just give me a look of agreement. “Now that I think about it. Start calling me Apollo.” Troy says with a smile looking from me to Lindsey and Shadow. Lindsey then looks down at the ground and then says,

“I’d like to be called Cassandra if no one minds.” We all shake our heads in agreement.

“So what do we do in the meantime?” Cassandra asks.

“We could just hang out here for a while.” Apollo says shrugging his shoulders. I shrug my shoulders in agreement. Cassandra gives no disagreement. Cassandra and I then take seats at the dinning table while Apollo throws himself onto the coach and turns the TV to the news. While me and Cassandra just have a few pieces of fruit, the story about us at the school appears. It shows us fleeing the school, the people inside the school we turned to chopped liver, and then interviews with our parents. My parents were consumed in tears and sorrow, Apollo’s mother was similar to mine but his father tells a whole story about him being a trouble maker and everything that isn’t true about him, and Cassandra’s, they didn’t say anything. They wouldn’t even talk to the reporters. They acted as if they didn’t care.

After seeing the stories, we turn off the TV. A silence that could drive you insane then replaces the sounds of the news. I look over at Apollo. He sits up right now staring at the ground. I knew him and his father didn’t get along. I always stayed away from the subject of his father but I never thought it was this bad. Then to Cassandra. I never had even seen her parents, let alone talk to her about them. I knew she was adopted, but I didn’t think they were like that. No wonder she came with me so quickly.

“So, you guys want to see your rooms?” I ask to break the silence.

“Sure.” they say with joy to be out of the silence. We leave the main chamber and down a hallway that was open on the outside. The fog over the ocean was now starting to recede and allow the sun to shine through.

“Rollex, won’t people be able to see us with satellites or something?” Apollo asks concerned.

“Don’t worry, if a satellite does look down on us, it will appear that nothing is there. I’ve taken every precaution that I could think of. We’re safe. I promise.” I say reassuring him. We then enter a closed off hall that is filled with doors all the way down it. I stop at the first door and take them through.

I open the door and they both freeze with astonishment. The room was solid gold with a smaller dinning table, like in the main chamber, another flat screen, a king-sized bed, a balcony, and a closet. I walk them over to the closet and I thought they would fate. I open the door to find another hallway that held nothing but rows of clothes. Anything from fancy suits to impenetrable armor. At the end was a wall filled with a wide assortment of weapons. I look back to them to see they look as if they are about to faint. I give a slight giggle and say, “This will be Apollo’s room. Cassandra, your’s is right across the hall.”

We then walk out leaving Apollo in his room to settle. Cassandra gives me a kiss on the lips and then disappears into her room. I then go to the room right next door to hers. She almost faints when she finds that our rooms are connected by a glass door with curtains. I giver her a smile and then open the doors. I walk over, rap my arms around her and the only thing I know is that my lips are against hers. The warmth and sweet taste almost intoxicating me. I then release her and lead her to the bed. I lie down and she cuddles up to me and lays her head on my chest. After maybe a second she disappears into her dreams, and then I soon follow.
Last edited by scifyfantacywriter01 on Thu Jan 26, 2012 10:03 pm, edited 5 times in total.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:02 pm
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scifyfantacywriter01 says...



this is the second chapter of my "Utopia". I'm so sorry it's taken so long for this. too busy. hope everyone enjoys it.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 3:37 am
creativityrules says...



Hello there! Rose here from Review Team Yellow to share my thoughts on this piece! :D

I'm not sure how I feel about this piece, and I know why. There is simply too much happening for me to be able to sort it out in my mind. It was very difficult for me to sort out what character was talking, moving, or doing because of the lack of line breaks and proper punctuation; because of this, everything sort of blended into one disheveled jumble and I found myself skipping much of what you wrote because I didn't want to muddle through it.

Don't feel bad! The only reason I know how to fix this is because I've made mistakes like it myself, and due to the helpful input of other writers and friends, I've learned how to sort it out. With a good healthy dose of editing, this could turn into an amazing piece.

It won't do either of us any good for me to simply talk about what is wrong with this and not give a way to fix it, will it? No! :D So I'll edit a small section of this in order to show you how much more incredible it can be when it's organized correctly.

Let's see. I think I'll go with the first paragraph.

“So, Shadow, what can I do with this thing at the moment?” I ask in a curious tone.

“At the moment, you can create things from ordinary objects and absolutely nothing. You can also open up portals that can take you to anywhere in the world your in.” Shadow says in the same tone he always uses.

“Ok. So we’ll need a place to operate from, A H.Q. of sorts, a place that we can do what is needed without anyone knowing where we are.” I ponder on the thought for a moment when it hits me. I snap my fingers in certainty.

“I’ve got it!” I shout, looking into the setting sun.

I close my eyes and hold out my hand. I try to do like Shadow said and open a portal to my destination. Finally a sound of lightning and whistling filled my ears. I open my eyes to see a glowing circle had appeared in front of me. It had a whitish glow to it and the rest of it was a light blue color.[/b]


This isn't perfect, but it's much better, isn't it? Never be afraid to divvy up your writing into paragraphs. Believe me, many more people will want to read what you write if it's easy on the eyes. You obviously love your writing, so why wouldn't you want to take care of it in the best way you can? :D

Lastly, I think I need to touch on the subject of what tense this is written in. I'm sure you've come across tenses somewhere along the line and understand what present tense and past tense are, but I'll give you a brief example anyway.

The ducks go to the lake every morning.

The above sentence is written in present tense. When something is written in present tense, it means that it's happening currently or happening on a regular basis. If I wanted to convert this to past tense, I would write it in the following way.

The ducks went to the lake yesterday morning.

When something is written in past tense, it means that it's happened in the past. The vast majority of books are written in past tense; very few are written in present. If I were you, I'd convert this passage so that it's written in past tense. I know that it will be a lot of work, but who said that writing is easy? Once you get into the habit of writing in past tense, I promise you that it will be easy, and the results will be very rewarding.

I hope that this helped! Always keep writing! :D

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:28 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



thanks. yeah i forget to do that with my diologe.it's a habit.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  








Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson