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Flower Angel



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:35 am
robotgirl42 says...



It was Tuesday. Xiro Holcaster's favorite day. It was always perfect on Tuesday. Xiro was sitting on the porch outside when their was a tap on her shoulder. She looked up. "It's lunch time." said her mother. "Can I take it to Zoe's?" she asked. "If it's ok with her mom." replyed her mother. She did. "Thanks." said Xiro when she got her lunch. She had no idea it would be the last time she would see her mother.

On her way to Zoe's, Xiro had to cross several busy highways. She past the first few ok. It was the last highway when it happened. She was crossing the street when a car pulled up in front of her. " Hey little lady, want a ride?" asked the guy. "No thanks." said Xiro "My mother told me not to get in a car with strangers." "But I'm not a stranger, am I, little lady?" Yes, you are." Xiro protested. " Well, in that case," the man pulled out a gun. "I think my friend here can help you change your mind"

The rest happend in flashes. Her mother crying over her. Zoe putting flowers on the table. The nurse giving medication.
And all Xiro could do was stare. Then she awoke one day with her family sitting around her. The last thing Xiro said was, as she touched the flowers, was "Flower angel. I am a flower angel."
  





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Points: 1690
Reviews: 11
Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:21 am
tiffanyann says...



Okay so this is just to correct grammatical errors and stuff like that because this is just the prologue and it's not really enough to build a solid critique on. But it's interesting and makes the reader want to read more so as a start it's good.

So I noticed that you put periods before the closing quotation marks in the dialogues when it should be commas. Also, I suggest making a new paragraph for each of the dialogue like so:
"Hey little lady, want a ride?" asked the guy.

"No thanks," said Xiro "My mother told me not to get in a car with strangers."

"But I'm not a stranger, am I, little lady?"

"Yes, you are," Xiro protested. "

"Well, in that case," the man pulled out a gun. "I think my friend here can help you change your mind."
  





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Points: 1474
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Sun Dec 25, 2011 3:45 pm
RileyStone says...



Just adding to Tiffanyann's reply. Make sure that you start a new line every time someone new talks.
"It's lunch time." said her mother. "Can I take it to Zoe's?" she asked.
"If it's ok with her mom." replyed her mother. She did.
"Thanks." said Xiro when she got her lunch.



Also in the first paragraph the
She did.
bit confused me. Maybe that is just because I'm dead tired, but I think it'd be nice it you expanded that sentence a bit.

Also there are a few spelling mistakes.
"If it's ok with her mom." replyed her mother.

Should be replied.

She past the first few ok

Ok should be spelled out to okay.

The rest happend in flashes.

Happened


Otherwise, it's very nice. But also pretty short. Personally I would continue to tinker with it. Explain the scene to me, let me get to know your characters. Just expand on what you already have I guess. That's my advice.
Anyway, keep writing. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this.
Riley
Who do I belong to?
Not earth, not world
Not evil, not
mortals
Not wretches, not horrors

-- Project 86
  








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