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Dark Turning Chapter One : Children



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Wed May 25, 2011 5:58 am
dasiamari says...



Lightning cracked through the sky. "Dad`s not happy!" I yelled to my sister, as she stabbed a hell hound, her spear crackling with electricity. She looked up at the flashing sky.
"Lets go!" She pulled her spear out of the giant dog. Ashley hovered about 9 inches off the ground letting her go faster.
"I really wish I could do that!" I said as I stumbled, when another wave from the sea below shook the mountainside.
"Uncle Poseidon`s not so happy either," Ashley said ignoring me and glancing down. Between the churning sea and flashing sky I was getting motion sickness.
"Prevanie!" I heard Ashely call out. I looked to see the daughter of Poseidon running towards us.
" We thought you were dead." I said hugging her,then letting go quickly my face growing hot. She blushed and stumbled back.
"No I got away" She said loudly over the thunder and crashing waves. We continued to run forward "There!" Prevanie shouted pointing to our brother. Kevin. Child of Hades.

~Two weeks before~

"This is our new home?" I asked scathingly looking at the crumbling apartment buildings.
"It`s a place Justin" My mom snapped. Ashley sighed and got out the car. I looked at Kevin he sat and looked at the surrounding trees.
" Justin, do you think we can make a tree house here?" He asked. I was going to snap at him, but then I saw his pleading eyes.
"Yeah, maybe we can Kev." He smiled then climbed out the car. I could see my moms` and sisters retreating blonde heads walking up the stairs. I also saw Kevins` shoulder length black hair, bouncing as he ran to catch up with them. Ashley and I are twins, blonde hair ,gray eyes. Kevin though had a different father, he had black hair and eyes like moms` dark brown. I stopped thinking and grabbed my bag.Then headed up the stairs.
Inside was okay. It was two bedrooms Kev and I would share and Ashley and mom would take the other room. I went and set my stuff in the room then laid down. We`d been driving all day and I stayed up to make sure mom didn`t get to tired. I drifted off to sleep.
My dream started off ...dark. I was walking around in nowhere. Up ahead I saw a yellow light. I had to reach this light if I didn`t I would die I started running...
"Justin!" I sat up straight "What?!" I snapped at my sister.
"Mom said to wake you up. We are going out to eat and she wants to talk to us," She said calmly before tossing our bracelets at me. "and it`s your turn to untangle those." She walked out the room closing the door behind her. I looked down at the tangled bracelets. Ashley and I had them since we were born. They had been gifts from our father, who ever that was. I started untangling the matching bracelets. The thin colored bands looped, around trailing a lighting bolt. My bracelet was gray. Ashleys` was blue. I finished untangling them the walked out .
We went to a fast food place called "Burgers Be Gone ". I found a seat while my family went to order. After I set our stuff down I went to order. When I got to the counter mom was fighting back laughter while Ashely and Kevin were almost in hysterics. I looked around to try to find what was so funny. My eyes landed on the menu board.
Main Dishes: BURGERS
SIDES : FRIES
DRINKS: COKE .
No other choices. Unlike the rest of my family I didn`t think this was very funny.
"What is wrong with this town?" I muttered under my breath.
"Hmm..Hard to decide," I heard Ashely say "I guess I`ll have A burger, fries and a coke."
"Me too" Kevin said still laughing. Mom rushed to the bath room so she could laugh in peace .
" Sorry we`re out of coke" the lady behind the counter said seriously. I walked away. I could hear Ashley ask, "Do you have any thing else?" Before I closed the door.
So quiet I thought to myself. No cars rode by on the little dirt rode off to the side of me. But something was coming . I squinted into the darkness...but that was what was coming ,darkness. I stared at it as street lights disappeared. I backed up, then ran in to the resturant.
"Mom! Mom! I yelled "We have to get out of here!" My sister jumped up. Maybe it was the fact we were twins, but she could tell when I was serious. My mom grabbed Kevin.
"Whats wrong?!" she asked, but she looked like... she already knew.
"There`s this big black...shape thing coming down the street!" I panted. Kevin looked scared.
"Oh don`t mind that those are just my sisters." The waitress said making us all jump.Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ashely motion towards her back. I looked at the waitress back where large bumps had started growing.
"Run. Run!" My mom screamed. I grabbed Kevin and took off toward the car. Ashley and mom were close behind.
Last edited by dasiamari on Wed May 25, 2011 7:32 pm, edited 6 times in total.
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 4:29 pm
Redfang18 says...



The way I've read this, I get the sense that we have half-blood children in this novel. I love it. Please, keep writing for the sake of writing and let your imagination be your guide in all your writing.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 7:54 pm
Firearris says...



Hey there, Dasia! Here to review, as desired. :) This is pretty good, though it needs some work. Overall, I think the main issues are punctuation/grammar, as well as some cliche-ness in the story.

Lightning cracked through the sky. "Dad's not happy!" I yelled to my sister, as she stabbed a hell hound, her spear crackling with electricity. She looked up at the flashing sky.


A few things here. You'll notice I added an apostrophe in bold, since the "Dad's" is short for "Dad is". The first and last sentence in that area both show the same thing. They both point out/imply there is lighting flashing/cracking in the sky. I would suggest changing the latter sentence to just be "She looked up at the sky".

"Let's go!" She pulled her spear out of the giant dog. Ashley hovered about nine inches off the ground letting her go faster.

"I really wish I could do that!" I said as I stumbled, as another wave from the sea below shook the mountainside.


I added an apostrophe in the Let's, as well as changed the "9" and the "When". Usually it's better to spell out numbers as opposed to just using the number. With the "when", it flows better and makes more sense to have "as", in my opinion. But you can leave it as "when" if you want. Also, so far, every dialogue piece has ended with exclamation points; try not to overuse them.

"Uncle Poseidon's not so happy either," Ashley said, ignoring me and glancing down. Between the churning sea and flashing sky, I was getting motion sickness.


You'll notice in bold, I inserted an apostrophe. You had a grave accent instead, which is used for something different. Notice I added a couple commas. Try reading your story out-loud, and you'll sometimes notice where commas are needed or where you have excessive ones.

" We thought you were dead." I said hugging her,then letting go quickly my face growing hot. She blushed and stumbled back.

"No, I got away." She said loudly over the thunder and crashing waves. We continued to run forward.

"There!" Prevanie shouted pointing to our brother, Kevin. Child of Hades.


If you look over this section, you'll notice I added several things. To start off, I bolded the beginning to point out you do not need a space after the quotation mark. In Prevanie's first dialogue, you need to add a comma and a period to have proper punctuation. You'll also notice the addition of a period at the end of "We continued to run forward". In the last sentence, it flows better if you have a comma as opposed to a period after "brother".

For the most part, the rest of this piece needs similar changes to the ones I recommend above. Try running it through a spelling/grammar checker, and try reading it out loud. If you'd like me to nitpick the rest of the story, send me a PM and I will. Otherwise, let me know if you need me to clarify anything I said, and I wish you luck with this piece.

Goodluck, keep writing.

--Heather
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard appears "We have weasels now!"
[Firearris] 10:45 pm: askes the guard for the weasel!
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard gives Firearris the Weasel.
[Firearris] 10:46 pm: aquires the weasel and renames it "Cat"

Take that, Lumi.
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 8:37 pm
Stori says...



I see you're all set for a demigod story. Here goes.

"Justin!" I sat up straight "What?!" I snapped at my sister


Don't forget- each new speakers gets a new paragraph. Otherwise, it's awfully hard to tell who's speaking.

Then headed up the stairs.


This here is a sentence fragment. You may want to consider add it to the sentence before it.

We continued to run forward


Don't forget the punctuation!

Overall- I want to know who the monsters are, frankly. The writing doesn't offer much of a clue, or maybe I missed something. Were you going to reveal their identity in the next chapter?
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 11:07 pm
dasiamari says...



Yep next chapter!
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Wed Jun 08, 2011 3:10 pm
Lava says...



Hi there!

So, interesting story! Have you read Percy Jackson? I loved that book a lot! It's also based on Greek Demigods.
So yeah, Arris pointed out the grammatical nitpicks, so I'll skip that talk.

First part:
Interesting! I would've loved for this to be the start and if you had continued that part of the story some more. But now, it seems more like it's there to introduce the characters and not tell us what's happening. That's just what I understand of the tone. Try adding a bit more detail ti make it more interesting to read.

I also saw Kevins` shoulder length black hair, bouncing as he ran to catch up with them. Ashley and I are twins, blonde hair ,gray eyes. Kevin though had a different father, he had black hair and eyes like moms` dark brown. I stopped thinking and grabbed my bag.Then headed up the stairs.

Yay for physical description! But I think you should do more than just this. Use the five senses for description. Show us more of the description. Tell us the emotions, since this is in first person. Try working a lot with description.

"and it`s your turn to untangle those."
I LOVE THIS! Such a simple line tells us so much about their character! You need to have more of these, okay?

So, what are the monsters? DO they know they're Demigods? What powers do they have? Who's their mom and what relation do they have?
These are some question I hope will be answered in the later chapters.

Keep writing!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Tue Dec 13, 2011 3:27 am
Ad1la3tt3n says...



Hi! love your first chapter. you grab the readers' attention by starting the book in the middle which makes the reader have a slight sense of confusion, but also sparks an intrest.
It seems you've done some research in greek mythology. It doesn't seem out of character for Zeus to fall for a mortal (Again!), but since Zeus and Hades are bothers that makes the story a wee bit confusing for me.
all in all great work! I hope didn't over analyze.
"Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all."
--- Hypatia of Alexandria
"It would be better not to know so many things than to know so many things that are not so"
---Josh Billings
  





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Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:16 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Alright, I love this. I'm a huge Greek mythology fan. This is really cool for a first chapter. Alright, down to the bad stuff. Ok,
"No I got away" She said loudly over the thunder and crashing waves."
When you put the quote, put a comma after "No" it makes it flow a little better or if you want it to seem like she just ran for life put "..." instead. Next,
"There!" Prevanie shouted pointing to our brother. Kevin. Child of Hades."
when you say, "our brother, Kevin, child of Hades" you always put commas before and after his name. And is he really their brother or are they just saying it like he's also the child of a god? Anyways,
"It`s a place Justin" you need a period after "Justin" and you should say, "He smiled and then climbed out.." without the "and" it sounds weird. You should also say,
"I could see my mom's and sister's..." same thing with Kevin's. If you're talking about one person its always an " 's ".
"I stopped thinking and grabbed my bag.Then headed up the stairs." make these one sentence. I can't find anyother mistakes. I hope I wasn't being to bad. I would love to see more of this. See ya later
  








Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice