It's been almost a whole year since it happened. I've almost completely forgotten. Now, a new problem has presented itself. Forgetting a past mistake is easier than one allows it to be, but dealing with the consequences is not always as easy as it should seem. Sometimes the past can come back to haunt you, when you least expect it. But, Sometimes just the memory of the person you betrayed is just enough to keep you connected to them. It's the only thing that just might bring you back to the realm of sanity.
I've finally been able to let go of a terrible misdeed. What made it so terrible wasn't just that I had done it to someone who was much younger than me. It was because I had done it to someone I barely knew, someone I had no real feelings for. She was as much an afterthought as a stranger walking passed you on the street. I'm not even sure if we were ever really friends. Other than our age differences, we are two very different people with very little in common. So, I kept asking myself the whole time: "What is it about this girl that I find so fascinating"? For half a year she was one of the main subjects of deep thought in my head. She was one of the first things I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep at night. I was never in love with her. That much I knew for certain. However, after she had rejected me I was determined to regain her trust. I needed not only her forgiveness, I needed her friendship. I guess I knew deep down inside that things between me and her would never be the same again, but I couldn't accept it.
Finally, in October of last year, I had had enough. I couldn't go a day or night without thinking of her. My emotions clashed and collided. It was like shame, anger, and embarrassment all rolled into one. Every time I saw her in church I couldn't even look her in the eyes. But, every time I turned away from her I could feel as if she was doing the same, staring a laser beam into my averted eyes. I hated her for her ruse, but I was intrigued by her intellect. I now knew how deep the root of my problem really was. I had unintentionally become obsessed.I had even thought about seeking psychiatric therapy. Finally, I had decided to give it to God. I prayed that he would rid these dwellings on Samantha from my mind. Somehow, in an unexpected way, it worked. She moved away in November. It was sad to hear she was gone and I probably might never see her again, but at the same time, I felt that maybe it was for the best, for both our sakes. Coming to terms with an obsession is never easy, especially when you can't figure out why or what it is that intrigues you in the first place. I am pretty sure that I am not crazy, but the evidence of my writings begs me to ask: "Have I finally gone insane"?
Eventually, my obsession was cured, or so it seemed. The next two months Samantha's memory had faded from my mind. My hatred had become exhausted. My guilt was nothing but a repressed memory. As far as I knew, she was dead to me and I was okay with it. There was no longer any reason to harbor feelings that I knew would never be justified. Until one day in February when I was browsing through facebook. I saw a message posted to one of my friends, the pastor of my church. It was from someone named Sam. I could tell the profile picture was that of a female. Immediately I knew who it was. Samantha had changed her profile name. Suddenly, it was deja vu all over again. I felt a sense of overwhelming creep over me. "Should I contact her"? Of course I knew the answer, but my gut told me to give it a try. Maybe enough time had passed. Sure enough, I was wrong. She rejected me again.
She moved back in mid-August. It was a typical Sunday morning in church. I had completely forgotten about Samantha and had given up all hope of ever seeing her again. But then, there she was, completely unexpected, like some sort of bad omen. I just about froze when I saw her. It was like seeing a ghost. The very sight of her almost frightened me. I can almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it. Me, a twenty six year old, afraid of an eighteen year old girl. It almost turns my stomach. Seeing her after all this time brought about a range of emotions. Sure, I was happy to see her, but at the same time, I couldn't help feeling a hint of resentment. I even had to walk out of church a couple of times because of the undue tension. Just the sight of her was enough to give me an anxiety attack.
I felt as if I was being taunted. Every time I saw Samantha was another reminder of my betrayal towards her. Every day that passed with her silence was another motivated attempt at finding out the truth of how she really perceived me. It was all so confusing. I wanted to let go and finally free myself from this burden that has been haunting me like a recurring nightmare. I wanted to be able to approach her without fear and anger. I needed to hear her tell me how she really felt.
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