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Make Up The Worst Possible Opening Line Ever

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Sat Dec 18, 2004 1:09 am
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Nate says...



Here's a new activity... come up with the worst line you can think of to open up a story/novel. To get you started, here are some examples from Edward Bulyar Lytton award, which gives a prize to the author of the worst opening for a novel each year:
* "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

* "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

* "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

* "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."

* "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved."

* "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

* "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

* "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death-- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

* "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
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Sat Dec 18, 2004 1:15 am
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Nate says...



Here's my try:

He was holding a circle shaped, bronze colored coin with a profile of the sixteenth president of the United States while he stepped out into the harsh glow of the soft morning light on a spring day which abounded with the fragrance of a thousand roses.
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Sat Dec 18, 2004 2:44 am
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Elocina says...



Alright, Nate you sure you want my worst?....Ok, I'll take your silence for a yes. There's a reason I'm here, and it's not because I'm the head dog of the Writer's World.


Once upon a time, there lived a friendly frog who bit birds' heads off and watched bubbles come up when he farted underwater, since these were his favorite activities, aside from yelling every profane word at ladies while he sat beneath their floofy white, pink, yellow, and orange dresses, it so happened that the toad found the woman of his dreams, and tried to get her to kiss him by sliding between her and her boyfriend's kisses.

How's that?




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Sat Dec 18, 2004 2:47 pm
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niteowl says...



Oooh, ooh I can write bad opening lines, really I can.

Hello, my name is Niteowl, and you are about to read about every yawn, sneeze, bark, word, cough, burp, fart, and scream I hear and all the friends, enemies, teachers, bus drivers, relatives, and strangers I see and all the long boring conversations I take part in and every typoed letter I type into the computer and every thing I wanted to wear but decided against it, every weird, strange, perhaps even perverted thought and every food that passes my lips in an ordinary, boring, typical average day in the life of me.

Oh, here's another one:

My goal in writing this is not to make you laugh, cry, gasp, throw up, or any such powerful emotion, it is simply to make you yawn, fall asleep, snore, drool all over the book, or whatever else you might do when you are extremely bored.




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Sun Dec 19, 2004 2:08 am
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MinnesotaGurl1 says...



niteowl wrote:Oooh, ooh I can write bad opening lines, really I can.

Hello, my name is Niteowl, and you are about to read about every yawn, sneeze, bark, word, cough, burp, fart, and scream I hear and all the friends, enemies, teachers, bus drivers, relatives, and strangers I see and all the long boring conversations I take part in and every typoed letter I type into the computer and every thing I wanted to wear but decided against it, every weird, strange, perhaps even perverted thought and every food that passes my lips in an ordinary, boring, typical average day in the life of me.

Oh, here's another one:

My goal in writing this is not to make you laugh, cry, gasp, throw up, or any such powerful emotion, it is simply to make you yawn, fall asleep, snore, drool all over the book, or whatever else you might do when you are extremely bored.
hehe those are pretty bad. :lol:




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Sun Dec 19, 2004 6:04 am
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Elocina says...



Hmm. Looks like you missed your goal, Niteowl. I was laughing through your post. Sure beat my froggie.




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Sun Dec 19, 2004 6:34 am
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Elelel says...



YOU missed YOUR goal too, I laughed harder at the frog then niteowl!


ahem.
I have a few different catagories.
Number 1, bordom.

When martha walked down the very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dusty street, she looked up from picked the bubblegum off her fingers to see a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very fat man walking towards her.

Number 2, incorrectness

Brooke sighed as she remembered the acts of her father back in 2064, the horrors she now knew. Now she was in an old fashioned room, awaiting the counsellor. The TV was pratiacally an antique, surely they could afford a new one? It was 2008 after all, and TVs were becoming cheap.

I'll thick of more catagories later, must go now.
Oh, you're angry! Click your pen.
--Music and Lyrics




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Sun Dec 19, 2004 3:55 pm
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niteowl says...



Sure they're funny, but do they really want to make you read the book? I'd have to agree with Eloere, C. Yours is pretty funny and interesante. Which inspires me to make another one.

Voy a mucho bailamos a la funky mamacita, pero Jorge el mas feo froggie dice F****te El Accionombre! El Diablo hace la twist all noche long till el sol viene up y Enriquedice "siete" ain't that so romantic y como chicarrones en el congelador y el gato de Stella es en la microondas y Stella sued el corporacion y made them pone un warning saying "Don't put pets en the Microwave" y Fanta es el peor de los worst refrescos.

Did anyone make any sense out of my nonsensical Spanglish? Even if you know all the words I used, it shouldn't.

Oooh oooh here's another good one.

The mystagogic polytheistic polyanthyus inhabited a limicolous environment with a fenugreek that assayed to mitigate and obtune it's companion's narcissitic tendencies.

I kinda just looked up random words in a dictionary.




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Wed Dec 22, 2004 12:03 am
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Firestarter says...



Worst possible line ever:

.......

I like pie, a lot, really, I do.
How young are you?
How old am I?
Let's count the rings
around my eyes.
--The Replacements

idraax: Europe is weird then. Math should be standardized internationally.




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Thu Dec 23, 2004 12:26 am
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Morran says...



"With the Great Statues project largely a bust, museum curator Charleene Herzakorowitzsimmons decided to take the plunge - not that any of this has anything to do with the rest of the story."

I could do better... *mutters and goes to try*




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Thu Dec 23, 2004 12:59 am
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Skye says...



"The End."
"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma.




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Thu Dec 23, 2004 1:46 am
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Duskglimmer says...



"Over on Main Street, Jon Smith was ambling across the road when a semi-truck ran him over, and somewhere all the way across town George laughed, having nothing to do with Jon at all"
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.




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Thu Dec 23, 2004 1:55 am
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niteowl says...



How about one I saw in my health textbook that people write in a lot.

Stop flipping through this book and pay attention to class, b****! Go to page 202.




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Thu Dec 23, 2004 11:18 pm
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Galatea says...



With a languid motion, she ran her fingers up and down the length of it, relishing how it was all at once firm and soft beneath it's cover. Deftly, she let her fingers dance, slowing unwrapping her hidden prize, and once finished, placed as much of it in to her mouth as she could, reveling in the taste. God, how she loved banannas.


Okay, its more than one line. But I got a little...excited. :twisted:
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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Fri Dec 24, 2004 8:54 am
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Tessitore says...



Lately I've been getting better at opening lines, but I used to be really bad. So here's some from three years back. These just irritate me:

The nights are long and the wind feels like breath upon my neck

“Look Fiona,” she persisted as the twighlight sky gave way to the deep black of the upcoming midnight heaven, “They can’t be real, no one can. It’s simply not right. They’re products of our imagination.”

Mattel broke the pomegranate in half easily, holding out one half to the lovely Battelo, who took it gratefully.

Meet Vicky.

Razor flicked the ashes from the end of his cigarette and took another drag as his gaze swept over the rain-soaked playground

Cory screamed when the hammer slammed through the windshield and struck her brother, killing him on impact.

“Class, we have a new student to add to our numbers today.” Miss Borneo droned in mock enthusiasm.

Okay, so everyone knows that Valentines Day went really, really bad for me yesterday, right?


Meh. I hate those lines. Just copy/pasting them has me angry again. Grr!

Galatea, Firestarter, you lines had me laughing my a*s off! Good going.
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS