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Rate the first sentence above you

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Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:37 pm
Justagirl says...



Um.. I guess I'll rate the first sentence first then them together XD
1. It was great :d kinda catchy... I wanna read the rest
2. Now I wanna read the rest even more :D

Ok, here's my first sentence (I haven't even finished the 1st draft so, that's why it's not better....):

I shoved my hands against the door, watching the long nails scratch my wrist, leaving thin lines of blood.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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Sat Jun 18, 2011 5:57 pm
ViVA says...



6/10
It's definitely attention-grabbing, but I had to read it a few times to understand what's going on. Their hands are against the door- wait, they're being scratched? Did someone's fingernails scratch them or are nails sticking out of the door? I think the line would benefit from being split into two sentences, in my opinion. Although I love the description of the nail scratches (whether they're iron nails or fingernails). It made me cringe!

Lisa smiled, though she didn't want to.




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Sat Jun 18, 2011 6:15 pm
MisunderstoodDreamer says...



7/10

It's short, but I know not all sentences are really long. It doesn't give a good idea of what's going on, but you know it's something Lisa isn't happy about. It does give you an idea about Lisa, though. It makes me wish I knew the whole situation!

When I closed my eyes, the audience disappeared, and it was just me playing my piano.
I am a PUZZLE
yet to be put TOGETHER

But at the same time, I'm just one PIECE
still trying to figure out where I FIT IN




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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:39 pm
Rosey Unicorn says...



6/10. I think it would make a good line on the first page, but it needs a touch more context to really shine.

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

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Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:37 am
Skins says...



*Breathes life to thread*

9/10. Very intriguing. This line gives you a sense of what kind of story could be lying ahead and it makes you curious about what's actually happening to the narrator. To get that 10... I'm not sure. I sort of got the tiniest feeling I'd heard it before. Although the line is original, I suppose it could be tweaked to sound that bit more original.

Err, I have to give a line now, right? I'll just pick the first document I find. Might as well.


I used to hate tying my laces.
Cat.




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Mon Jan 02, 2012 11:24 am
Demeter says...



I love this. That one little sentence already has the quirky feeling that I love in a story (I like to call that Roald Dahlian xD) and it would definitely make me want to read more.

I didn't want to give it a 10/10 because I don't really like doing that, but I can't figure out what the sentence could possibly miss, so here you go, Skins. 10/10.

Lake Adder was absolutely still today.
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Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:03 pm
Lavvie says...



8/10 - wondering how this lake is important within the story and what makes it being calm any more different. I like it!

She can't get past the crows.




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Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:20 am
Paracosm says...



8/10! Definitely a good first line. It makes me wish there was more!

The driveway that twisted and wound a path to Raven Hill Manor had not been disturbed for months.
Review unto others as you would have others review unto you.

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Tue Jan 24, 2012 6:34 am
EnchantedPanda says...



9/10 - That's actually really good! I enjoyed the concept and it was well sequenced, descriptive and it introduced the topic well.

The wind blew into the dimly lit inn and rustled crumbs from a dirty plate.




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Sat Feb 11, 2012 7:36 pm
tgirly says...



8/10. Slightly cliche.

I remember when I thought it was just a story.
"Writers aren't exactly people... they're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald




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Sat Feb 11, 2012 7:40 pm
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NicholasStone says...



8/10
It really makes you think of like a fantasy story or mythology, when you read it carefully.

He dared a glance backwards, looked at the burning place he had used to call home, and took his final steps towards freedom.
He stumbled slightly, the limp in his leg still there. He dared not to look at the place he used to call home. He could feel the heat from the fire, the fire that he himself had ignited. He blinked back tears, as he limped away.




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Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:37 pm
Skins says...



9/10

I love the drama of it. It gets me wondering about the character being spoken of. Did he burn the place he called home? Is he escaping from it? Is he good? Bad? Basically, it gets me asking loads of questions, which is exactly what you need with an opening sentence.


Dear Diary,

Nate said that only girls write diaries but Mummy says I’d make a pretty girl so I think that makes it okay.
Cat.




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Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:06 pm
IcyFlame says...



9/10

I happen to know a little more about this than just the first sentence but I think it works really well! I still wonder how you're going to carry it on, but that's another matter. It reminds me a lot of a younger version of you; it certainly reflects the way you think. Good luck with it!

Sometimes I think I want to forget and then maybe I would be free from the nightmares.
"There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people: psychopaths and mystery writers. I'm the kind that pays better."




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Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:44 am
tgirly says...



8/10; very intriguing, but I'm not sure if it makes complete grammatical sense.

If Amberly could have cried, she would have.
"Writers aren't exactly people... they're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald




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Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:33 pm
MoonlightMayhem says...



7.

It's interesting, and obviously, gets you wondering about the character's situation. Good job. Also emotional, and makes the reader curious about the main character's feelings.

--

It was a going to be a fateful day, and I knew it the moment I saw the darkly clad man peering at me from across the street in downtown Wildavon as I got on the subway, noticing his pale purple eyes penetrating through my core. That was the day I got dark marked.
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