Young Writers Society

Home » Forums » Creativity Corner » Writing Activities

Rate the first sentence above you

Post a reply
User avatar
1000 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 81451
Reviews: 1000
Sat Jan 08, 2011 12:39 am
Rosey Unicorn says...



7/10 You were fine until you got into the list of mundane things. The last was mildly funny, but it wasn't really a grabber.

"Do you really expect there to be that many assassination attempts at the palace?"
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar
228 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 14130
Reviews: 228
Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:04 pm
RachaelElg says...



7/10

It's definitely interesting, and implies a lot of conflict. I want to know who the speaker is, because the language is fairly structured/"educated" and that narrows the range of possibilities down. I also want to know how many attempts were suggested and how many is "that many." Aka, I'll read on for sure.

But, it's a question that almost promises an info dump in response. A dialogue info dump, but an info dump nonetheless. Unless it's a simple "Yes." In which case the info dump explaining everything is just put off.

Just three beating hearts--that was what they were.
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
—James Thurber




User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1818
Reviews: 31
Mon Jan 17, 2011 7:42 am
Loller65 says...



7/10

Funny, I liked it.

I judo-chopped the bear's neck with full force, sending him sprawling.
"There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances."


-Leon Trotsky-




User avatar
1000 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 81451
Reviews: 1000
Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:41 pm
Rosey Unicorn says...



3/10

The situation screams overpowered character in an improbable situation, and the sentence runs on Rule of Cool too much to be believable.

When would my father stop doubting my usefulness?
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar
275 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12153
Reviews: 275
Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:47 pm
Calligraphy says...



8/10

I like it. It is straight to the point. But, it isn't very catching.

I remember wondering what it would feel like to be inside a burning ember; I guess now I know, a burning hell.
Stay Golden




User avatar
269 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5292
Reviews: 269
Tue Jan 18, 2011 2:25 pm
SparkToFlame says...



cal, 6/10
it's cool, but a little cliche'

He stood there looking through the cracked glass of the town-hall window, his breath distorting the picture of her standing there beyond the gate.
I know history. There are many names in history
but none of them are ours.


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkOfDoubt




User avatar
114 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2590
Reviews: 114
Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:14 pm
Butterfinger says...



5/10

There's a lot of good description in this sentence, it seems like a lot to swallow at first. Great job!

The sound of screaming shook me awake at 3 am, leaving me with no hope at all.
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.




User avatar
180 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 531
Reviews: 180
Sat Apr 30, 2011 6:59 pm
Cspr says...



9/10, for interesting quality and the ability to make me want to know MOAR. (Speaking of, what is this from?)

///

"Daren was well aware he was watching his world burn."
My SPD senses are tingling.




User avatar
1000 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 81451
Reviews: 1000
Sat Apr 30, 2011 11:10 pm
Rosey Unicorn says...



7/10

It's mostly the dialogue quotes; I'm not sure if this is actual dialogue (which I doubt, but it's confusing) or a description. If it's a description then I'd want a little bit more, so probably closer to a 9/10
~

I stopped running behind a corner, waiting for the assassin to come to me.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1865
Reviews: 16
Fri May 27, 2011 11:14 am
cosby says...



9 - I like it. I'm immediately thinking about why she/he's running before I've finished the sentence, then why an assasain is after her. And why he/she is waiting for the assasain to come to him/her.

Being dead is one of those things you can never get used to.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.




User avatar
141 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1323
Reviews: 141
Fri May 27, 2011 11:42 am
harshita3chaarag says...



8/10 It's sort of unusual and that's what I liked about it...

As I got out of the cab, I looked at the cottage where a knew part of my life, probably a happier part, was about to begin.
Why try so hard to fit in, When you were born to stand out..!!
Be yourself!! :D




User avatar
1000 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 81451
Reviews: 1000
Fri May 27, 2011 5:42 pm
Rosey Unicorn says...



6/10. Too long, too wordy, too complex, didn't catch my attention.

~
“You know why Kerani should stay here,” my father said. “It’s the same reason you want her to go to the palace.”
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1865
Reviews: 16
Sat May 28, 2011 1:26 pm
cosby says...



8 - Interesting, but not very attention grabbing. I wouldn't be too fussed about reading the rest of the book, but I think that the paragraph following this line - if written the right way - could increase my attention and enthusiasm ten fold.

The sun shone as the two armies faced each other.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.




User avatar
275 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12153
Reviews: 275
Sat May 28, 2011 2:21 pm
Calligraphy says...



9/10

This sentence gave me a picture in my mind. It would be a great for the beginning of a descriptive scene.

I'm not sure what to do so..

I am going to die today.
Stay Golden




User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 2692
Reviews: 6
Sun Jun 05, 2011 6:41 am
Bugwhisker says...



7/10 Not bad, not bad at all. :) It makes me curious as to why the character is going to die-- what led up to that statement?

Here's mine, though I think I'll need to work on it:

The entire craft was filled with an unnerving drone-- an alert siren. It seemed almost immediate that the airship began its descent to the cliffs below.