Young Writers Society

7/10 You were fine until you got into the list of mundane things. The last was mildly funny, but it wasn't really a grabber.

"Do you really expect there to be that many assassination attempts at the palace?"

7/10

It's definitely interesting, and implies a lot of conflict. I want to know who the speaker is, because the language is fairly structured/"educated" and that narrows the range of possibilities down. I also want to know how many attempts were suggested and how many is "that many." Aka, I'll read on for sure.

But, it's a question that almost promises an info dump in response. A dialogue info dump, but an info dump nonetheless. Unless it's a simple "Yes." In which case the info dump explaining everything is just put off.

Just three beating hearts--that was what they were.

7/10

Funny, I liked it.

I judo-chopped the bear's neck with full force, sending him sprawling.

3/10

The situation screams overpowered character in an improbable situation, and the sentence runs on Rule of Cool too much to be believable.

When would my father stop doubting my usefulness?

8/10

I like it. It is straight to the point. But, it isn't very catching.

I remember wondering what it would feel like to be inside a burning ember; I guess now I know, a burning hell.

cal, 6/10
it's cool, but a little cliche'

He stood there looking through the cracked glass of the town-hall window, his breath distorting the picture of her standing there beyond the gate.

5/10

There's a lot of good description in this sentence, it seems like a lot to swallow at first. Great job!

The sound of screaming shook me awake at 3 am, leaving me with no hope at all.

9/10, for interesting quality and the ability to make me want to know MOAR. (Speaking of, what is this from?)

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"Daren was well aware he was watching his world burn."

7/10

It's mostly the dialogue quotes; I'm not sure if this is actual dialogue (which I doubt, but it's confusing) or a description. If it's a description then I'd want a little bit more, so probably closer to a 9/10
~

I stopped running behind a corner, waiting for the assassin to come to me.

9 - I like it. I'm immediately thinking about why she/he's running before I've finished the sentence, then why an assasain is after her. And why he/she is waiting for the assasain to come to him/her.

Being dead is one of those things you can never get used to.

8/10 It's sort of unusual and that's what I liked about it...

As I got out of the cab, I looked at the cottage where a knew part of my life, probably a happier part, was about to begin.

6/10. Too long, too wordy, too complex, didn't catch my attention.

~
“You know why Kerani should stay here,” my father said. “It’s the same reason you want her to go to the palace.”

8 - Interesting, but not very attention grabbing. I wouldn't be too fussed about reading the rest of the book, but I think that the paragraph following this line - if written the right way - could increase my attention and enthusiasm ten fold.

The sun shone as the two armies faced each other.

9/10

This sentence gave me a picture in my mind. It would be a great for the beginning of a descriptive scene.

I'm not sure what to do so..

I am going to die today.

7/10 Not bad, not bad at all. It makes me curious as to why the character is going to die-- what led up to that statement?

Here's mine, though I think I'll need to work on it:

The entire craft was filled with an unnerving drone-- an alert siren. It seemed almost immediate that the airship began its descent to the cliffs below.