Young Writers Society

8/10. I liked it. It made me chuckle.

Tom sat on the ground , surrounded by a ring of unconscious thugs, and then, the masked potato spoke "Tell your friends, tell your family. The Spudinator is watching after this city.".

It's certainly interesting, that's for sure! 6.5/10 because it's a little clunky and confusing. It should probably be seperated into two sentences.

Here's mine:

Ten minutes before she disappeared, Casey Holland found herself crawling over a sweaty tangle of lovers on her way to the bedroom.

9.5/10! It captured my attention right from the beginning.

"Where is my money, you little slut?!" The lightbulb spluttered and the bulky man unsteadily stumbled over to his cowering spouse. A resounding slap was heard, and the frail woman whimpered and cringed even more, while her little girls tearfully huddled together in a corner of the filthy room.

8/10 - it's good, and I like the description - however, the idea is not so original.

At first it was a low hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one pointed out.

10/10 definitely would pull me in.

Dawn rose above the city of Varkian and with it climbed pillars of smoke and steam protruding from various rooftops.

9/10
All of it sounds good, although the name Varkian makes me instantly think of vampires. Sorry.

I watched with baited breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm.

7/10
It's interesting but it seems more like the first sentence of a chapter or section in the middle.

I’d thrown myself out of my depth, left all I’d known behind . . . and what I didn’t know was gaining on me at an ever-growing pace: The night I departed was much like a blur.

(Okay, edited very slightly...)

6.5/10

I thought the overall description was good, but it confused me for a bit there.

Thump, thump, thump. One thousand, four hundred, and forty heartbeats until the death of my reincarnation.

Quentin stirs beside me, his snores accompanying the dull thuds of the train chugging onwards. I watch his chest go up and down, his lungs expanding and contracting, taking in the stale air in the compartment.

8/10 Don't like the onomatopoeic start, but the rest would lead me into a story.

The sun was a beacon behind Mr Copslow’s head, crowning him in sweaty, sticky glory, magnifying its own brilliance through a man’s silhouette.

8/10. Seems to subtly evoke emotions of accomplishment and satisfaction, as if the man is making the sun shine brighter.

Xavier was sure that neither teleportation nor invisibility had been invented yet, but he was also sure that the auburn-haired man standing in the street hadn’t been there a moment before.

7. No need for the first part of the sentence. It's way too long, which makes it confusing, but makes me curious.

Mine:
I had always loved spiders.

6/10. I would at least read on to the end of the page, beacause not very people like spiders. It's a little short and kinda blah.


It was a feeling that I had never felt before, one that I wished remained like that.

5/10. I didn't like it.

She smelled of honeysuckle.

5/10 it reminded me of a really sappy romance novel and I hate those.....

A old book is like a best friend, the kind you see after years apart and it seems like you never left.

6/10. So true, but personally, it doesn't grab my attenion right away.

Some people think I'm crazy, but they don't know the real me.