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Wed May 09, 2012 4:46 am
iEuphoria says...



7/10; It doesn't show any faults, and it allures the reader in to know what the gunshots and shouting is about, I just feel that there could be more to it..

A cloud of desperation, confusion and frustration loomed over his head as he paced back and forth on the wooden dock, which creaked beneath his weight. The air was heavy from this afternoon’s storm, and his heart was heavy with grief and despair.
  





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Wed May 09, 2012 2:58 pm
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Omni says...



7/10-I like your first sentence, however, you posted more than one sentence, however I like it anyway. Very vauge, but very desciptive.

I woke up from a rustling across from me.
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Thu May 10, 2012 11:15 pm
SidereaAquila says...



7/10 - Intriguing, but vague. Not very descriptive, but it leaves me wondering where the narrator is and what is rustling.

Except for the fiasco in the kitchen, that fateful May morning started off uneventfully.
Skittles: Taste the Spectrum

LIZARD!!!!!
  





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Thu Jun 07, 2012 8:07 pm
iEuphoria says...



7, it sets the question 'What was on?" into your mind, but it doesn't pull you in all that much..

It all started when I turned sixteen: That was the day I fell into my downward, backwards spiral of torment and tragic betrayal. This, is where my story begins.
  





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Fri Jun 08, 2012 3:40 pm
Rosendorn says...



3/10

First thought: why would I want to spend a whole book with this melodramatic narrator who tells us how bad things are instead of letting us see it and making up our own minds?

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Wed Jun 13, 2012 2:03 am
Raelyn723 says...



8/10
Makes me want to continue and it makes me curious as to what happens next. Sounds good so far!

He couldn't breathe.

Yes I know, it's really boring at first, but hey, I figured why not post? :)
  





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Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:03 pm
Vanz says...



6/10
It are just three word's but it does leave open the question what/how/why. Next time feed us more text :).

The once so proud civilization fell to its knees in to the lingering arms of the greed and hatred they brought to live.
  





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Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:47 pm
KatKage says...



7-10 It's really interesting, especially if you're into society stuf ^^ very poetic way of starting a book ^^

I moved silently through the night; I had to escape the village.

You know your parents really want you out of the house when they have to drug your ice-cream, drive you 12.3 miles away from civilization at 12:46 in the morning, and then dump you with some stranger who owed them. Touché, mis padres.
I am a Leaf on the Wind,
Watch me Soar
~
Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel,
Kyrie Eleison through darkness of the night
  





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Sat Jun 23, 2012 10:53 pm
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emmylou1995 says...



(Couldn't tell if this was two sentences or one. I'll rate as if there were two.)

6/10
It makes me wonder why the person needs to escape the village, although I'm sure the "silently through the night" is way too much of a cliche. I would re-word it and get rid of the semi-colon as well.

5/10
Way too long of a first sentence. I was reading it and I was like, wait wait what are those numbers I can't keep up, and I would have thrown the book down in a second. I don't like the touche part either. But it does make me laugh, the idea addressed in it.

Mine:
The doll was porcelain and had sat collecting dust on the windowsill from ages ago.
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.
  





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Wed Jul 11, 2012 12:24 am
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prolixity says...



7/10
The doll is interesting, but the awkward grammar is distracting. The dust was from ages ago? The windowsill? That doesn't really make sense. I would say "had sat collecting dust on the windowsill for ages."

Four girls were lying like crime scene bodies in a pink bedroom.
She reflected. "I prefer stories about squalor."
"About what?" I said, leaning forward.
"Squalor. I'm extremely interested in squalor."
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:13 pm
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WritingWolf says...



7

"Sir Darth Shoe Lace," said a small voice. "What, Bigpipe " Darth Shoe Lace said with annoyance in his voice, "the scout is back" Bigpipe squeaked.
~You can only grasp what you reach for~
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:03 pm
Rosendorn says...



2/10

You have improperly formatted dialogue. Very improperly formatted dialogue. It should look like this (grammar fixes in bold):

"Sir Darth Shoe Lace," said a small voice.

"What, Bigpipe," Darth Shoe Lace said with annoyance in his voice.

"The scout is back," Bigpipe squeaked.


Which, as you can see, makes three lines. And the first line of that isn't exactly attention grabbing, minus the unusual, belongs-in-a-parody name. And then the grammar mistakes kick in.

Not interested.

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgement after death.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:09 pm
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Gladius says...



9/10

LOVE. Just so...poignant. Of course, helps I know where it's coming from. xD But even as a standalone, just...sogorgeous! x3


Tanya’s eyes flicked about the darkening forest warily.
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

I'm also ZeldaMoogle on Fanfiction.net!

"Funny is a formula for which there are a million variables, and it is impossible to backtrack unless, possibly, you make a living out of it."~Rosey Unicorn
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:23 pm
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WritingWolf says...



6/10

sounds good, I don't really have anything to say about it.


What, you want me to start telling you a story!?
~You can only grasp what you reach for~
  





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Wed Aug 01, 2012 9:23 pm
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ASherlockedTardis says...



6/10

I've never personally been a fan of "?!" in books, but it is an interesting start.

I read somewhere once that suicidal people don’t actually want to die; they want to be saved.
  








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