Young Writers Society

7/10. It's intriguing- I would definitely read more just to find out about this person- but it's definitely been done lots and lots of times.

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When I finally managed to pry my eyes open, the first thing I saw was concrete.

Hum. I'd say an 8.2/10
It's intriguing and I want to read more definitely. But it's a little bit cliche. I mean, waking up groggily to find "fill-in-the-blank" sitting in front of your eyes... Anyway, it's been written before. Bonus 2 points if the next sentence is good, though.

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It starts with a simple, almost inaudible, trilling of notes.

3/10. You'd need a very good second sentence to really pull that through, and I'm not saying it doesn't work period as a first line. I'm saying you absolutely positively need a paragraph introduction with this in order to build suspense.

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I wondered if this is how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.

8/10

It's cool and intriguing, and it does make me want to read more, but these philosophical, questioning beginnings don't bring us into the conflict or the character's head as much as we think they do. They sort of exist on their own.

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Despite what everyone says, I didn't mean to blow up her presents.

6.5/10. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading, but not intrigued enough to care overly much about what I'm reading. I was hovering between a 6 -- because of the vagueness and the overly informal feeling -- and a 7 -- because of the early establishment of tone and the little bit of a hook we get on the action.

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“Lucielle, pay attention when your mother is talking.”

3/10. Needs a paragraph introduction, but even then my first instinct is a YA that opens up with a female main character who is once again in a bad home life. I see these beginnings a lot, unfortunately.

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This wasn't how a Promised life was supposed to begin.

7/10 A little vague, not too much action unless the next line positively explodes, but I'm still asking for more.

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Silent fingers fluttered over rough bark, feeling desperately for the end of the path.

7/10 Especially like the use of the verb "fluttered" to describe the action of the fingers. Though silent is a strange word choice, I feel. But definitely interesting and implies an air of suspense.

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The owl was waiting for me.

I think that that sentence is mysterious and mystical and magical. I would definitely want to read more.

Corinne was standing in line at the bank, waiting patiently for her turn.

5/10

It's a little boring for the opening line of a novel. There's nothing that really grasps the reader. But for all I know maybe the second sentence is what reveals something to catch the reader.

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"The small blade fell from Rahim's trembling hand with a clatter, though he barely noticed the sound."

7/10
I like the atmosphere you created in the single sentence, but it sounds like you're trying too hard, for some reason.

He bent down to scoop some pine needles from the dirt floor and tucked them into the heart of the pyramid.

7/10. I quite like this. It isn't showy, it reads like it's supposed to be a perfectly ordinary sentence, but the ambiguity of "pyramid" makes it intriguing.

I flickered into life on the end of a match.

7/10. I kind of want to give it higher, but it's a little awkward with "into" and my main curiosity is "what type of story can you write about fire", so if you play your second line wrong then I'll get pretty bored.

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People call me Jasmine Ghost

7/10 I like that you didn't say Jasmine the Ghost. This could turn into a pretty interesting story. Don't worry, I won't steal your idea XD


I blinked to see the smile my friend Jacob makes whenever he thinks something is funny and know that, in all my daydreaming, I must have dozed off again.

4/10 -- it's okay, but it doesn't catch my attention. The action in the sentence doesn't occur until the end, and it makes me think this sentence was plucked out of the middle of the paragraph instead. It needs prelude, or it needs to be cut down.

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Sai Thi's air stank.