Young Writers Society

Home » Forums » Creativity Corner » Writing Activities

Rate the first sentence above you

Post a reply
User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1017
Reviews: 14
Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:03 pm
View Likes
SirTobes says...



3/10.
Sorry, but firstly, you put two sentences and the topic was one. And secondly the first sentence is wayyyyyy to long. I lost interest and didn't know what was going on. Split that into 2 or even 3.


One day, Harry Potter woke up.
There is no such thing as a stranger. Only friends we haven't met yet.

Previously Just Toby





User avatar
963 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 76235
Reviews: 963
Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:18 pm
View Likes
Rosey Unicorn says...



2/10

Captain obvious, much? He'd wake up every day, and it's just boring. No conflict, no curiosity peaked, nothing.

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 680
Reviews: 1
Sat Feb 18, 2012 1:36 pm
View Likes
MeIsAwesome says...



...
Last edited by MeIsAwesome on Sat Feb 18, 2012 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Do, or do not. There is no 'try'- Yoda




User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1017
Reviews: 14
Sat Feb 18, 2012 1:40 pm
View Likes
SirTobes says...



1/10.
I just don't get it.
And it seems you don't get mine, it's meaning is that his adventures were all a dream. As a writer, I'm surprised you didn't get it.
There is no such thing as a stranger. Only friends we haven't met yet.

Previously Just Toby





User avatar
963 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 76235
Reviews: 963
Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:20 pm
View Likes
Rosey Unicorn says...



JustToby wrote:And it seems you don't get mine, it's meaning is that his adventures were all a dream. As a writer, I'm surprised you didn't get it.


I do not read first sentences as a writer. I read them as a reader. Maybe if I'd had more context (here is the game for that) it would've been easier, but do be warned the whole "just a dream" thing is among the most irritating cliches you can use at present, so your rating might've actually gone down.

If you expect people to know exactly what is going on because of a factor, take a hard look at your story and get rid of everything like that. Because they won't get it.

Now, back on topic.

~

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1034
Reviews: 7
Sun Feb 19, 2012 4:35 pm
View Likes
MoonlightMayhem says...



"I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death."

I am in awe. This is an amazing way to start a novel- a deep metaphor, character's emotion, and everything. Good job! I'd totally read on from there.

--

My other first sentence wasn't such a great start.

How's this one?

"Cedrick rolled away, closely dodging the tiny, fanged creature that was zooming past him in thin air, leaping from the forest floor right past his left arm."
Music <3

Death Cab for Cutie - Funeral For A Friend - A Day To Remember - Taking Back Sunday - Safetysuit - There For Tomorrow - OneRepublic - All American Rejects - Yellowcard - Motion City Soundtrack




User avatar
869 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 23825
Reviews: 869
Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:15 pm
Skins says...



6/10

I like how your sentence gets straight into the action. It's not cliché, the description's pretty good and it does manage to interest me. The reason I haven't scored it higher though is because it's a little long and awkward sounding.

Also, I thought your other one wasn't too bad! :) I do see a pattern in both sentences though that could maybe be improved with a few tweaks. All you need to do is reshape your sentences a bit and maybe shorten them into more than one sentence. That way, they'll be smoother. Shorter sentences create far better tension than longer ones, and it's great to have tension at the very beginning of a story.

* * *


Dear Diary,

Nate said that only girls write diaries but Mummy says I’d make a pretty girl so I think that makes it okay.
Cat.




User avatar
56 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3119
Reviews: 56
Tue Mar 20, 2012 11:07 pm
View Likes
DevanEWilliams says...



7/10

I love how it shows an immediate conflict between the character's feelings and what is socially acceptable. You can tell that the main character (well, I'm assuming it's the main character?) is very young and innocent. The problem I find is that it is such a long run on sentence. I know that that would be the style of writing, but it's a little much to take in all in one sentence. It might help to add commas too :)

Mine is actually from a prologue, in the form of a journal entry of some sort. The rest of the novel is most likely going to be in third person. Also, keep in mind that it isn't really supposed to make sense at first, and it is explained later. ^^

I was nine years old when the horses first came.
Stay away from limbo bears.
And always have extra marshmallows on hand in case of emergencies.

High Quality Reviews Available Here! viewtopic.php?f=188&t=96280




User avatar
278 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6950
Reviews: 278
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:04 am
tgirly says...



8/10 It's defintiely intriguing, but I think it could be better.

If you don’t judge me too harshly or too quickly, I shall tell you my tale to the best of my recollection.
"Writers aren't exactly people... they're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald




User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 901
Reviews: 3
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:57 am
View Likes
RainyDay1119 says...



8/10

It is interesting, but I don't really get how it leads into the story.

"Your mom says to not let you in because you killed her son."




User avatar
963 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 76235
Reviews: 963
Sun Apr 01, 2012 8:42 pm
Rosey Unicorn says...



5/10. The second person sounds so much like first person I had to read it about 5 times to pick up on all the second person mentions, and I keep getting hung up on "her son". Because I keep reading it as a little kid speaking to somebody else (I had originally read it as "My mom says to not let you in...") and the antecedents for "you" are kind of nuts. The sentence reads like "you" killed your own brother, in a child's voice, and it is more nonsensical than creepy.

I'd thought my headache would go away if I slept it off…
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




User avatar
278 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6950
Reviews: 278
Sun Apr 01, 2012 11:22 pm
tgirly says...



8/10. It's a wonderful first sentence, but I don't like first sentences that end with... that much. Too soon for them.


HN402, also known as HaNnah, crouched hidden among the rubble, her heart beating rapidly.
"Writers aren't exactly people... they're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald




User avatar
163 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 728
Reviews: 163
Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:32 am
yubbies21 says...



7/10 because it jumps into the action. I could feel the gravel under my toes and the steady, yet rapid beating of my heart when I read your sentence. I like stories that jump right into the action, then go back and explain. I like the names you chose ( even if they are strange). They sound futuristic. Awesome!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D




I stared out into the dark, black, night as I silently slipped through the trees.
Last edited by yubbies21 on Thu May 03, 2012 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hope the wound heals but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
You're at war with love, yeah

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...




User avatar
278 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6950
Reviews: 278
Sun Apr 29, 2012 1:14 am
tgirly says...



8/10. A bit too many adjectives about the sky, and you have silent and silently. You should probably cut one out. Sorry it's two sentences, but the first doesn't have that much detail:

If Amberly could have cried, she would be. She would be crying and screaming and yelling, and possibly breaking a couple of noses.
"Writers aren't exactly people... they're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald




User avatar
228 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 14130
Reviews: 228
Mon Apr 30, 2012 11:09 pm
RachaelElg says...



6/10: It does hint at a problem, since obviously she's upset at something, but it's sort of a general hysteric/angry reaction rather than a unique and person-specific one, and we don't get any sense of what the problem is or could be. In fact, we get a whole lot of 'would' and conditional mood...which is a lot going on for a first sentence/first two sentences.

The shouts and the gunshots wake him.
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
—James Thurber