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Rate the first sentence above you

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Mon Apr 20, 2009 5:26 pm
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lyrical_sunshine says...



Here are the rules: Post the first sentence of your novel. The next person to post will rate your sentence on a scale of 1 to 10 and then post the first line of their own novel. And on and on it goes. :D

Ready? Go!

There was another dead calf in the pasture that morning.
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"




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Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:37 pm
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Carlito says...



Good idea! :)


8.5

It grabs attention, you want to read at least to the end of the paragraph, but I don't like to think of dead calves :'(

I live to fight and I fight to live.
Formally tnme22!

Will Review for food.




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Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:09 pm
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siobhan says...



Excellent idea for a thread.

tnme - 6. I feel like it's not the best opener, it might work better later into a paragraph. It's sort of in a spoken cliche format, so I don't think it would be best to begin a novel/story in this manner.


"Every morning when Jude Paschal first appraised himself in the mirror, he flinched."




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Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:09 pm
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lyrical_sunshine says...



6.

A little bit cliche, but still interesting. :)



That pretty pair of cocoa-colored eyes is worth roughly half my tuition.
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"




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Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:12 pm
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siobhan says...



Lyrical, was that at me or TNME? I noticed we posted our replies at almost the exact same time, so I'm just curious. XD

As for your opener - 9. I think it's really interesting. I would definitely read at least to the end of the page. :)
Last edited by siobhan on Wed May 06, 2009 2:08 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:53 pm
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Cotton says...



siobhan, I reckon yours is about a 7. In itself it is not the most attention-grabbing sentence, but it is one of those can that lead onto an almost infinite number of possibilities... and my mind wanders again lol.

The first thing she noticed was the cold.




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Thu Apr 23, 2009 4:47 am
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StolenHearts. says...



5
I see that line way too much.

The crimson silk bellowed as the wind whistled; petals dance and dance again.
I lose my breath at the mere sight of a picture.




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Thu Apr 23, 2009 11:07 pm
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lyrical_sunshine says...



Very pretty and lyrical, but personally I like something that grabs your attention right off the bat. Just my opinion, though. 6/10

Those pretty cocoa-colored eyes are worth roughly half my tuition.
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"




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Sat Apr 25, 2009 12:48 am
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Rosey Unicorn says...



8.5

Very interesting and a good attention-getter, but allusions to plastic surgery make me cringe.

"Are there any assassins in the crowd, Kirani?"
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




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Sun Apr 26, 2009 12:13 am
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lyrical_sunshine says...



Sweeet. 8, Rosey.

Haha - it's actually not an allusion to plastic surgery, but I get why you would think that.


They hate the fog.
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"




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Sun Apr 26, 2009 7:19 am
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BarrettBenedict says...



I'll give it a 7, because it at leasts makes me wonder who 'they' are, and why they share the same revulsion of air moisture. :P

“Here, take this, it’ll put the rosy back in your cheeks.”
"Is", "is." "is" — the idiocy of the word haunts me. If it were abolished, human thought might begin to make sense. I don't know what anything "is"; I only know how it seems to me at this moment. -Robert Anton Wilson




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Sun Apr 26, 2009 9:47 am
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WaterVyper says...



8. It sounds good, and leads to many possibilities. Also sounds a bit strange.

The world exploded around the knife.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.




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Sun Apr 26, 2009 9:43 pm
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Rosey Unicorn says...



9.

It has so many possibilities, and it has explosions and edged weapons. My kind of line. ^_^

The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in the tunnels around me.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

#TNT




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Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:58 pm
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SuperNintendo says...



8

sounds cool.

Tick Tick Tick, The clock rang as the time passed.
Formally Nobody, and before that Formally Bolt, Formally Voldemort, Formally Volt, Formally Vulcan, Formally Bolt, Formally Boltage and Formally boltageman.




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Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:50 am
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Krupp says...



6.5/10 - The ticking could've been reduced to only one 'tick' and it probably would be better off as so...but that's just my take of course.

Mine: from my finished 2008 novel It's in the Blood-

It was on.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.