Young Writers Society

mortimermcmirestinks, your first day of school idea would be fine. Also, as for the party kidnapping: there'll be a party soon which most of the students will be going to, and three of our students are going to be kidnapped there.

It occurred to me that slowly explaining Rembrandt's abilities throughout the SB would probably get confusing so here is a rundown and explanation.

Inherent Mask Bearer abilities
Strength- His strength is that of 1000 men.
Speed- Roughly the speed of sound.
Fighting skill- Master of all forms there is not e fighting style he hasn't perfected and some he can use that are unique to the Mask Bearer line.
Clone explanation- For each clone they become weaker and more unstable. The max number of clones Rembrandt has ever used is 1000 to spread his strength after each placed on their mask to stop a buildings collapse.
Heightened senses- aside from his sight, touch, hearing, and smell being heightened he can sense other powers levels and detect varieties of power being used.

Mask Abilities

Basic form- After Rembrandt has placed on the mask, doubles his strength and allows him to travel through the shadows. As well as increase his stealth capabilities.

Second Form- The mask produces a suit of battle armor in Rembrandts case a Ninja suit with wrist and shin guards. Glausterich's enchantment also spreads to the suit making deflecting magic with I'll intent against Rembrandt.

Final Form- The suit is given wings that serve little more purpose then looks as the suit it self gains the ability to fly with out the need of the wings to flap. The suit goes through no more changes but Glausterich instead of giving off it's shimmering silver glow takes on a purple glow that absorbs magic with ill intent against Rembrandt and enhances the swords power.

*Holds a detonator switch behind my back as I patiently wait for Skyguy to walk in.*

Okayyyy......?

Dante is referring to the post you left that was both vague and random. I politely asked you try to put more work in to your post. Then in a flagrant disregard you left a three line post from outside of the perspective of any characters that we're aware of the existence of. I understand as a writer, singer, and actor myself that you may be sensitive to criticism I am occasionally myself. Regardless my criticism was all constructive. To verify this to all of the other people reading this below is the exact PM I sent you.

Hello Skyguy, also welcome to YWS, sorry my welcome and consequent greeting did not arrive until after the second storybook we had both had characters involved in. First and foremost I would like to commend you, on the large part, for making excellent characters and developing excellent plot ideas. Now that pleasantries are out of the way I'd like to get down to brass tacks.

I like your post I've already said that, but often they are too short in my opinion leaving questions that need answered in the post. Also I feel occasionally you are afraid of making a post too long so you don't do make paragraphs for each different character speaking. There's no such thing as too long a post as long as it's written with good formatting for the convenience of your fellow storybookers understanding. Also beware of typos, trust me I'm guilty of them my self as well as of poor formatting, but occasionally names aren't capitalized or a letter or more are missing from words. Aside from that I think we could use a bit of a clearer understanding of what the Heavensgate council is I have a few ideas myself but, I need more certainty of what it is first. Also, and I'll admit this should have been the first thing, you have several characters it would be helpful if at the start of each post kind of like a title you put your characters Nam so we would be certain of who the focus is upon.

Just trying to be helpful and friendly, think you're an awesome writer just needed some helpful tips.

Sincerely,

Adventurer Daniel

P.S. I wrote this from my phone so I apologize for any typos or errors.

P.P.S. The Heavensgate explanation should probably be in the DT get with anyone with a character that is Demonic and/or Angelic before making a move in that direction and I'll explain my characters suggested relation and involvement afterwards.

I felt this was polite and not overreaching on my part. Apparently you felt I was incorrect. Now usually I avoid such public displays as this, but as you ignored my one on one message this seemed like the only fitting option. Now the last thing I want is for you to get booted from this SB as several of your ideas are really good, but I feel if you're going to put in as little effort as you are that perhaps would be in the story's best interest.

Skyguy, I do think that AdventurerDaniel is right. Your ideas and characters are awesome, but you could take him up on some of his suggestions.

And on the lines of the SB, what do you guys think about just skipping to the party? I figure it can be held at Chase's mansion, since no one knew it belonged to him and the kids could've found it and thought it was abandoned. It could cause some tension between Chase and the others, and move the story along since it's been a little slow.
Thanks guys!

Sorry. What should I do? In a post... oh, I get it. Il fix it soon.

@Dante
Sure thing! Hazel is human. It'll be easy to kidnap her. And it'll be so much fun!

First post on DT. Sorry, I'm late.

ChocoCookie wrote:@Dante
Sure thing! Hazel is human. It'll be easy to kidnap her. And it'll be so much fun!

First post on DT. Sorry, I'm late.

No problem.

Hazel never makes it to Daniel, and is kidnapped while she was trying to find her.

Hey, sorry if you felt hat post was short, but its time for he templars to start their war. Ill post as soon as my jobs over. You can post on that if needs be, the templars attacking.

Skyguy wrote:Hey, sorry if you felt hat post was short, but its time for he templars to start their war. Ill post as soon as my jobs over. You can post on that if needs be, the templars attacking.

Have you even bothered to read the last page or two of DT posts?

Seriously, can you write differently. What youre writing is coming out really rude, and I dont like it.

Every single one of us politely asked that you attempt to work harder at your post. If our post didn't make a good enough guide to help you figure it out I'm very sorry. I mean if after several critiques you disregard it and continue what you're doing that's rude to the rest of us.

To freaking bad, with the way your writing the Templars right now, your making them look seriously dumb. Real Templars would be kidnapping people without anyone realizing it. Hookers and Money to those who come willingly, these are teenagers after all. Sending an army to a populated town is not the way would operate.

Dante calm down buddy. You're getting a bit critical rather than just critiquing. Now Skyguy, what Dante is trying to say is the Templars are not a heavy handed group they deal in the shadows. Forcibly taking over a town would not be in their nature. Have Chase arrive at the party with Layla expecting it nice and empty only to discover the party. Play it subtle the action is developing but you need to give it some more time.

I'm really sorry my biggest problem is I've been telling you what's wrong but never offering helpful solutions and that was a huge mistake on my part. First do some Riley post to kind of get us familiar with the character. As well as some Jenna post just take some of the nondescript post and edit them as that would be the easiest solution. These are needed to establish them being at the party. Have some minor Rembrandt and Riley interaction, some dialogue but nothing too heavy, it'll establish a type of familiarity between the two. Have Riley be aware that Rembrandt is a mythic so when he goes down at the party he'll express a curiosity and see what's wrong. That'll spark some paranoia when Rembrandt mentions one of his clones went down.

That will be the point he'll worry the Templars are there and the moment Chase will kind of fall in to the middle of it all. Because seriously I've had zero interaction between Rembrandt, Layla, and Chase and I've needed that to establish his slight mistrust of them. Because I'll post Ankli and Rembrandt getting back as Chase falls in with those that were left with Rem-clones.

Feel free to call any of these ideas dumb I know you probably hate me right about now. But, I felt it best I suggest them via the DT. So everyone kind of gets where things are moving around a lot of the characters. Oh and don't forget first person and title in the form of who it's through the eyes of.