my blood rises to the surface, basks in her presence, makes me dizzy in its hubris.
i think of her one last time and how she was too soft; too soft and yet brittle and harsh and alarming. i think of her body, her blackened fingernails and her open wounds.
i hate her for what she did to me and i love her for what she prevented.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
you stand, all slack-jawed, pressing down on my cavities like a gas mask. i am sick, frail and withered, heaving and choking up mothballs. i can feel this illness in all of my orifices; you are displaying decay in real time.
my evil leaks out and drips onto your jeans.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i bound broken bones together in silence as to not disturb her sleeping, crunching adderall between my teeth and swallowing the paste with apple juice.
i have been supporting this weight all my life; she melts into me like she's partly at fault.
i bleed and she bleeds with me like it’s voluntary. she never cried, just dug her nails into the palms of my hands and bore the weight.
there is nothing i can do to fix this, nothing that isn't disgusting and fatal.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i trace your veins with fragile fingers, stopping where they split and kissing the skin. i pay extra attention to your pericardial cavity and breathe in the scent.
i imagine myself nestled in your organs, flush against your trembling heart and your ribcage. i assure you that i won't bite, not with my words but the rhythm of my breathing.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i swear that i'm gentle, i swear my skin is thin and i swear i'm being honest.
if i had the chance, i would tell her how it took me years to get used to another pair of blue eyes. i would tell her i see her face everywhere.
she is harrowed, cut open with glass, insulation spilling out of her guts just like her basement walls. i can see myself now, standing in front of her, skin glistening like vaseline.
the rot collects under my fingernails; the smell clings to everything in the room. i feel my body warping in two different directions, not knowing the difference between a variable and weaponized incontinence.
i speak so quietly she can barely hear, “see? i can be soft too, i swear i can be soft too!"
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i wait through crying. i wait idly, as your knees kiss my carpet ever so softly. i wait for the deafening sound of your hands against my ears to stop the ringing.
everything goes silent again.
through all of this, my ghost remains sanguine; he watches my carcass with longing.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i'm twisting through this harshness in all my bare-brained glory. i’m throbbing on this curb; i know you probably think i am dying on this hill.
you’ve set everything into motion. it spreads like an outbreak; you can find love in even the most disgusting places. the sound fractures like light, a splintering, a prism of ignorance.
you press your body up against my lips and i press back harder.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
it’s a sad morning, but only i know it. i bleed under the morning light and nobody notices. i look for cigarettes and realize we smoked them all.
the bodies in this place are still. i rouse myself from the couch and look at the people passed out on the other side of it, on the floor, in the kitchen.
i try to remember what their names were and i can’t. i think of how i want to take a picture. the carpet sways, our legs suffocating, i feel my pupils return to normal.
my shirt clings to my back; the stench of 23 years lingers on me like a disease.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i wake with my head on the floor, but this time it's my own. she asks me if she was too loud getting dressed. i lie. i'm just thinking about the muscles of her back, the worry-lines, her nicotine habit.
she is unrecognizable now, but it's my fault; her skin is callused and bleeding in all of the places my teeth broke through.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death. — An Unknown Bride, Leap Year
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