Young Writers Society

I can’t stay right beside you all the way,
I have to leave you now,
Sorry, but you can’t always depend on me.

I was there in the beginning before you even knew your name.
I was one of the first to hold you,
I was even the one who named you.

They told me you were my little brother,
I was supposed always be there for you.
Make sure you made it through the hardest times,
Be there at the sound of your every cry.

Our mother died after she birthed you,
So there I was at seven, giving you your bottle.
Our father was a rolling stone,
He abandoned us and we were always alone.

I hadn’t minded being there by your side,
For more times than I could possibly count.

But I’m a grown man now,
And I have to move on in my life,
Which I neglected for your sake.

I can’t stay right beside you all the way.
I have to leave you now.
Sorry kid, but you can’t always depend on me.

The first stanza is a really good opening, it thrusts us straight into the situation. The third line in particular is great. The second continues this good pace and rhythm.

The third stanza...I don't like. It's perhaps the weakest point in the whole poem.

They told me you were my little brother,
I was supposed always be there for you.
Make sure you made it through the hardest times,
Be there at the sound of your every cry.

They? Who are they? That confused me a little bit.

Second line is incorrect - It should either be - I was always supposed to be there for you, or I was supposed to always be there for you. Also I dislike this part. I don't like the whole "supposed" part. I don't think this fits with the sentiment of the poem. But the other two lines are okay.

Our mother died after she birthed you,

Ick! I hate the verb in this sentence (birthed, not died) It just seem so...wrong! Change it!

He abandoned us and we were always alone.

I think you should remove the "always" and it would improve this line.

I hadn’t minded being there by your side,
For more times than I could possibly count.

I don't know what's wrong with this, but it just reads wrong. "I hadn't minded" seems kinda...icky (not eloquent today, sorry). And the second line is bad. I think you should revise this whole stanza, or just plain remove it.

The last two stanzas are great. The beginning and end of this poem are strong, but in the middle you went a little off the line. But revise it a little and it'll be fine.

I'm not so sure on this poem it doesn't really make me want to read it again. You know when you read a poem you get that feeling that yeah this can be something good. Its very intresting subject to write about I'll give you that. - eep I don't want to be harsh- ...
Well done for trying though
wu x

When I wrote this poem, I had been inspired and influenced by this song called Circle by Plus One...if you want to hear the whole thing free, just go to http://pluseoneonline.com and you may see why the poem ended up like this...I can only really enjoy the poem if I listen to the song...I know that's not good, and I'm working to change that, but if it sounds broken up, misfitting, or disconjointed anywhere, you'll know why.

erm, this was a pretty good poem i liked it although there were times i did capture the meaning and then i kinda got confused lol. whether it is me or not i dont know? i dont know if i am drawn into reading this again because during it i didnt feel anything, not that it is a bad thing, but i didnt know what kinda feeling should have been brought from this poem? ositive, negative, happy or sad.
still, very good job though.