Young Writers Society

I sat on the porch, waiting, waiting.
Time for soccer practice, Dad.
Time to pick me up. You're late, Dad.
But the car didn't come,
Even ten minutes after.
RING! RING!
I picked up the phone.
Sobs on the other end made my ears hurt
"He's not coming, the doctor confirmed it."
Heart . . . beating . . . .
Monitor . . . blinking . . . .
Lines . . . descending . . . .
Breath . . . gone.
I dropped the phone.
No.

Walking through the hallways now
Photos on the walls
A few clippings of writings,
He wrote them so well.
I glance up at the one that hurts the most
The one of all of us,
Sunny skies
Green grass
Shining smiles.
Isn't it funny, how when someone is gone,
The happiest memories hurt a thousand times more
Than those filled with sobs.

I drag myself into that picture.

I remember how we laughed as we played
He shot the goals, I never was very good
Oh, how Father would sing
The flowers, they opened
The birds, they chirped
The heads, how they turned.
I think about having fun in the pool.
Splish, splash.
Splish, splash.

But it's that cold October now.
The pool water is rain.
I sit on the steps;
My uniform is too tight
It's been so long.
But no car pulls up, no smile shines.
I stare into the darkness, thinking;
"You're late, Dad. Eight years too late."

ShadowLily that's beautiful!

I especially loved the way you flowed your words so effortlessly. It's a nostaligic story, but one that's not sad or depressing. Kind of like a happy memory?

It was really heartfelt and this stanza really was the best:

But it's that cold October now.
The pool water is rain water
I sit on the steps, my uniform is too tight
It's been so long.
But no car pulls up, no smile shines.
I stare into the darkness, thinking;
"You're late, Dad. Eight years too late."

Amazing. I loved it!

NightWriter x

Thanks!

I love this poem so much, it reminds me of my friend but not so much as it should, you did a great job on the poem.

The happiest memories hurt a thousand times more
Than those filled with sobs.

this was my favorite line because it's true and it kept my attention.

great job.

Thank you again!

I don't know what to say. It was totally amazing.

Aw, you people just made my day!

Hey Lily!
Here to review~
I really liked your idea and the way you ended the poem. Though at times I did feel that some of the lines were were sentences. I mean some of the lines were long while the others were short and that disrupted the flow of your poem. You can shorten some of these lines and help with the flow. Also, I feel that you've put too many fullstops. How about changing them to semicolons or commas?
The story was a bit nostalgic and you've showed the speaker's emotions well. I like the way you've added some sounds to the poem, it's original.

ShadowLily wrote:I sat on the porch, waiting, waiting.
Time for soccer practice, Dad.
Time to pick me up. You're late, Dad.
But you didn't come ten minutes after.
RING! RING!
I picked up the phone.You don't need this line.
Sobs on the other end made my ears hurt
"He's not coming, the doctor confirmed it."

ShadowLily wrote:Heart . . . beating . . . .
Monitor . . . blinking . . . .
Lines . . . descending . . . .
Breath . . . gone.
I dropped the phone.
No.

I liked this part.

ShadowLily wrote:Walking through the hallways now,
Photos on the walls;
A few clippings of writings,
Written so well.

I also liked this part, the flow was good.

ShadowLily wrote:Isn't it funny, how when someone is gone,
The happiest memories hurt a thousand times more
Than those filled with sobs.

This part was really good. The flow, punctuation and rhyme were excellent.

ShadowLily wrote:But it's that cold October now.
The pool water is rain,
I sit on the steps, my uniform too tight.
It's been so long;
But no car pulls up,
No smile shines.
I stare into the darkness, thinking;
"You're late, Dad. Eight years too late."

I really liked the ending
It was a emotional and nostalgic poem and I liked it.
Hope I wasn't too harsh :3
-Angel.

Thanks so much Angel! I wish I could've asked for your review before I sent it into that contest.
Oh well, there are more contests.
Thanks again!
And I love your siggie!

Hi! Shooting Stars here!
I have to admit that this poem brought tears to my eyes because of the tenderness and sweetness and the truth to it. I really felt attached to it because I lost someone I love a few weeks ago...
Anyways, you are talented! Keep writing and try not to make me cry! lol
I only found minor mistakes and I LOVED the ending. *draws a heart in the air*
Awesome job!
---Shooting Stars

Thanks so much Shooting Stars! by the way, I love the quotes in your signature.