This poem is for a contest (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/contests/viewcontest.php?id=22) so critique it as much as you want. I'm not quite sure if the grammar/punctuation is correct, please let me know what you think. All reviews will be appreciated.
With the sun setting
over the ocean.
Sitting on a branch
of a palm tree.
The breeze blowing my
hair behind my head.
The small gentle waves
flowing over the sand
You look into my eyes,
I look into yours.
That very moment
seemed to last forever.
____________________________________________________________
I was told it need more imagery. Is this version any better?
The setting sun sending rays of orange,
Over the calm clear ocean.
The gentle waves quietly splashing,
Over the soft sand.
Sitting on the branch of a beautiful palm tree,
With you by my side.
The light breeze pushing my long hair,
Back behind my ears.
I gaze into your wonderfully blue eyes,
As you look into mine.
This very moment is as perfect as perfect can be,
seeming to last forever.
Gender:
Points: 3371
Reviews: 61