Young Writers Society

The light hurt my eyes. That was all I could think of lying on my back on the cold floor. I tried to sit up but my arms were securely wrapped around my body in some sort of coat. and then I opened my eyes. I could have cried. An empty room white as snow. Blank canvas. And I was wrapped up in a strait jacket. I began to scream. Part of the wall shifted opened and nurses rushed in and began to stick me with long needles that burned on contact. I felt drowsy.

"Where am I? Why am I here?" I began to leak from my eyes like a drippy faucet. The nurse closest to me put and hand through my hair. It made me shiver.

"Who are you." I demanded coldly. This was no time to be scared because when you're scared, you can't operate right. You...malfunction. The nurse shook her head and patted my head gently like a mother would. I yanked away.

"I asked who you are!" I yelled in anger and frustration. She sighed and shook her head and then followed her nurse buddies out the door but as she turned to look back with a smile, I saw wings, black bat wings, furling and unfurling like a piece of paper. Then in a soft voice, she spoke.

"You will die." I turned white and tingles ran down my spine like water. I knew what they were. Grayers. Dark-winged angels. The angels of death. I hadn't made it up to heaven. That car crashed had been planned and now, after death, if you can't go up, you go down. Down in to the clutches of Him

It's certainly a good passage, but I need more information to be sure (I tentatively voted 7-9). Is this the beginning? It's a very gripping excerpt and I want to see a bit more of this.

In the second to last sentence, it said "That car crashed", while it should be "car crash". Aside from that, it's a good chapter that should be continued.

*Moved to Fantasy Fiction*

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

One: As a new member, you should check into the rules. One of the rules is that you need to post two reviews before posting a work of yours. ALSO, to in general try to keep a 2:1 posts-to-reviews ratio. Si?

Two: It's best not to use polls before your stories. It looks bad. Drives people off.

Okay! To reviewing.

and then I opened my eyes.

And should be capitalized. It's the start of a new sentence.

The first paragraph can be split up into smaller paragraphs, since you shift ideas and descriptions.

"Who are you." I demanded coldly

This should have a question mark. It's a question.

That car crashed had been planned and now,

"crash" not crashed.

Overall: This is very short, but I will say that it's good. I like the bringing up of Hell. But I'm confused as to why the nurse said "You will die". He then implies that he's already dead and in Hell. So... explanation?

You need more detail in this piece as well. He's in a small room... focus on the five senses when you write. What's the smell, the feel, the look; you need to inform the readers, so we can really feel like we're there with the character.

And who is this character anyway? I don't get a feel for who he is at all. Or if it'sa her. I don't know his background, his personality, or his appearance. You need to fill in at least one of those things to keep readers interested.

Still good though, and I hope to see more. Hope I helped!

PM me with questions.

~ Clo

Heya! ^^

That was all I could think of lying on my back on the cold floor.

Hmm. The sentence before was strong, which is good, but this seems... awkward, in comparison.
Maybe put a comma in, so its

That was all I could think of, lying on my back on the cold floor.

Or maybe you can think of something better, I'm not the greatest at these things ^^

I could have cried. An empty room white as snow. Blank canvas. And I was wrapped up in a strait jacket. I began to scream

Okay, I have this trouble too, so I will pass on what I have been told. Short sentences are extremely effective when used correctly, but if a whole series of them are used, it becomes distracting. Try bringing in some longer sentences to help it flow.

I began to leak from my eyes like a drippy faucet.

um? What's leaking?

The nurse shook her head and patted my head gently like a mother would

Personally, I would get rid of the would on the end, but it's your call ^^

She sighed and shook her head and then followed her nurse buddies

Buddies is a little informal, where everything else seems to be pretty formal. Again, it is a matter of preference.

I liked the last paragraph, and how the understanding of the situation is introduced. Very clever ^^

Overall, I liked this, and I think it has a lot of potential. Maybe when you expand on it, bring in some description, especially of the character herself.
I will look out for the next parts, and look forward to reading them. Good job ^^


-Nutty