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Temptation



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Thu May 15, 2008 9:23 pm
Porcelain says...



[pre]Chapter One: Symbols
The neon sign buzzed quietly in the early morning light. I clutched my coffee in one hand as I struggled with the keys to the shop. It was almost five am, and I had never been a morning person, let alone a peppy Monday lover. Three years of dull morning routines had cluttered up my schedule since I was eighteen. Flipping my cell phone open, I reviewed my messages while searching my pockets for my keys, propping my phone under the side of my head and sandwiching it between my shoulder and cheek. The crabby voice of my mother shrieked over the earpiece and yelled disappointment that I hadn’t called, and she hoped I hadn’t put any more of those ‘damn inkings’ on my body.

I rolled my eyes and waited for the next few messages, Trace, my sister rambled on about her night with some ‘hunk’. My mouth twitched into a smile at her mention of his relentlessly boring nature, but mentioned he had a few tattoos underneath his clothes. Coughing, I stood in the cold listening to her babble come to a close, and if it wasn’t a hint enough, she said her boring counterpart had just woken up. I laughed smugly as the beginnings of an argument were heard before her phone clicked off.

Twisting the keys from a tangle of fabric in my pocket, I shoved the patterned key into the lock of the door and hurried inside. I groaned at the bills that spilled onto the floor under the convenient mail slot of hell. Picking them up, I spilled my coffee on my white pants, dropping my phone in the sticky mess.
I knew then, I should have stayed in bed that day.

I’d never been one to believe in myths or fantasy-reality or anything like that; but running a tattoo parlor, you get your fair share of whackos requesting symbols of every shape and size. Over time I guess they just sink in.

After cleaning the spill off myself and the floor and my phone, I removed myself to the front desk, disposing of my empty paper cup, disgusted with the irony of it all. I had always told myself I would never sink so low to become part of the vicious “multi-national” buying chain, and yet a Starbucks label stared me straight in the face, and figured it was better that my coffee had ended up on the tiled floor.

I groaned again and shoved it into the waste bin, collapsing on the lacquer chair. A small jingle came from the bell as the front door swung open. Twitching my head to the side, I saw a tall, muscular figure waltz towards me.
“Oi oi Rubes.” The cheery silhouette called out as it neared me.
I recognized him almost immediately. “What do you want Milo?” I groaned again as he neared and his silhouette became a mesh of tanned skin poking out from underneath a blanket of brightly colored inks. His hair was frazzled as always, a dark brown that shone red under the light of the fluorescent bulbs.
“What else?” He asked, almost innocently.
“I told you I can’t today.” I rebutted. Ever since we were old enough to get out of the house alone, and I had started practicing my tattooing skills, Milo had served as my human canvas. I had put my art on him at least once a month since I was eighteen.
The ink glared at me beneath the lights and I stared at the living timeline of my art on his body. His bare shins were covered in some of my less mature and more random things that were meaningful at the time; his bare forearms bore the mark of my grown-up nature.

Among the many others hidden by his plaid board shorts and tight tee-shirt, he had only ever requested one, a small symbol curving sharply that morphed a simple ‘F’ into something obviously symbolic. I had no idea what it meant, but I stenciled it and put it on his wrist all the same. That was a month ago, and since then he’d been pestering me for another.
“Awh, come on Rubes, do it for an old friend.” Milo begged and made puppy dog eyes at me.
“Milo-” I started, rolling my eyes.
“I know, I know,” he cut me off, “You don’t have the time, but Rubes, no one is here yet. For Christ’s sake, it’s not even five yet.”
Checking my watch, I inspected the face. The minute hand was at the five as was the hour hand. I thrust my right wrist at him and tapped the glass facing of it. “Is too: Five after, idiot, and we open at five, so if you will excuse me, I have a shop to run.” I snapped back at him and crossed my arms.
“Jesus Ruby. Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?” Milo looked concerned a moment and then laughed at the grim expression on my face.
I stuck my middle finger up at him. “You and your damn symbols.”
“My symbols are polite, thank you very much miss sassy pants. As for me, it very well could have been.” Milo laughed again and grabbed the appointment book off the desk, flipping through it to the Monday that had already cursed me. “You don’t have any appointments ‘til nine.” He set the book back down and stared me in the eyes.
“Doesn’t mean I won’t get drop ins?” I glared at him. I was running out of excuses and I was fed up with those stupid symbols. “Besides, I can’t keep an eye out if I’m in the tat room with you.”
“Ruby, please.” He was begging again, his frazzled hair tossing as he ran his hand through it, darting his round chocolate-rich eyes at me. “It means a lot to me.”
I watched his eyes grow rounder and glaze over like a sad dog’s once more in silence as he pouted his lip. “Gyah.” I cried, not being able to resist him any longer. “Fine, but you have to wait until Gabriel gets here.”
“Yessss.” Milo pumped his fist into the air and smiled at me. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. You just saved my ass.”

Confused by his statement and frustrated with my weak self will, I marched towards one of the tattooing rooms to ready my equipment. Unfinished sketches and drawings lined the half-walls surrounding the benches and chairs, the counter and the stylish sink.
I had put my all into creating a haven of a workplace for myself when I was nineteen, after my apprenticeship at Big Daddy’s Tattoo Parlor. Everything in my shop echoed my personality, and there wasn’t an aspect of it I hadn’t personally chosen. The polished granite counter and the classy chrome of the sink meshed together to form the elegant and stately side of me, and the bright orange and green paint of the walls and the many works of art surrounding the tattooing bench brought out the spontaneous and wild side.

Taking the inks out of the drawer, I set them on a worktable that I rolled over. I retrieved my machine from the cupboard and set it beside the inks before hearing the tingle of the front door followed by a few steps before hearing his voice.
“Ruby O’Shea, wherefore art thou?”
“I am here, Gabriel, oh Gabriel.” I smiled as I called from the back room, rushing towards the front room.
Gabriel stood in the doorway beside a somber looking Milo. Smirking, Gabriel waved at me and set his coat on the rack in the corner of the room.
I drooled at the sight of him. Gabriel had been my man candy since he applied at my shop. I accepted eagerly, soon learning his artwork was even more stunning than his appearance. His hand worked wonders on his clients and on the likes of me. We tried dating a year or so ago, but nothing came of it since we got smashed one night and I woke up with brand new pointless tattoos taking up valuable space on my back. Since that incident, Gabriel and I agreed to stay friends, and nothing more. Still, Milo despised him, and he still made me weak in the knees.

“There you are gorgeous pants.” Gabriel smiled at me, tugging the hem of his black sweater down, picking a single blonde hair off it.
I peeked out from behind the separation wall at him and waved, lingering only a few moments on his picturesque appearance, and then signaling Milo in. “Hi Gabe, will you take front desk for me? I have to suit Milo up.”
“Sure thing Ruby.” Gabriel smiled a perfectly full and white grin at me and sat at the desk, checking the appointment book, his crystal lavender eyes scanning the words.
“Nothing for me until nine. I think you have one in a couple hours or so.” I commented to him as he snapped the book shut and Milo followed me inside.

Sitting Milo down on the bench, I motioned for the piece of paper he held out to me. It was a print out he had done of a lightning bolt, and around it a collage of little symbols all varying in shape and size, forming a circle to border the bolt. I looked at it for a couple minutes, studying the shapes in silence before Milo spoke.
“Do you still love Gabriel?” He asked quietly.
I narrowed my eyes at him and went to stencil his symbols onto the transfer paper. “I’ve been over this a million times with you Milo. We’re just friends.” My left hand traced the designs delicately, doing the line art carefully. “Besides, you shouldn’t care. I know you don’t love me like that, you’ve no reason to be jealous.”
“What if I did?” He looked at me suspiciously, watching for a reaction.
“What if you did then? Do you?” A chill ran up my spine. That would be way too weird, I thought to myself. I had never considered myself amazingly attractive, let alone enough woman to handle two men.
“No.” Milo said easily as he laid on the table, slipping his bright blue shirt off his shoulders and over his neck. Rolling over onto his stomach, he smacked his back in between the shoulder blades. “Right there, if you please, madam.” He smiled at me and rested his head on the pillow of his forearms.
“Alright then.” I had finished stenciling the designs and hovered the design over his back where he had smacked. “It should take about an hour… do you want color?”
“No, black and white only please.” He relaxed as my fingers touched his cold skin, pressing the warmth of myself through the thin transfer paper.
I peeled the paper back, the line art now on his skin. “Sit up and check it.”
Milo heaved himself up with his obvious muscles, his tan glinting as he checked his back in the mirror situated on the wall, above the bench. “Looks good.”
Settling down again, Milo looked up at me, staring as if he was trying to read my mind. I tossed the transfer paper into the waste basket and went to wash my hands, giving him a weird look.
“What?” I said as I stared back at him, scrubbing my hands with soap then running them under the hot water.
“Nothing… I just don’t know why you and Gabriel didn’t work out.” He propped his head up once more and looked around the room.
“Obvious reasons. I’m his employer; he’s way out of my league, etcetera, etcetera.” I rolled my eyes and dried my hands, slipping on a pair of black latex gloves after disposing of the soggy paper towel.
Milo laughed as I went to him and laid still, preparing himself for the first bite of the needle into his skin. “I find that funny.”
“Whatever you say dahling.” I smiled at him and started on his bolt of lightning, my machine buzzing happily as it chewed into his skin.

An hour later, I finished, and cracked my aching knuckles. My hand hurt from cramping as I put my materials away, patting Milo on the lower back.
“You’re done. Want a jolly rancher for not crying like a baby?” I laughed, dismissing the pain and holding a jar full of candies out to him.
“Ha, ha. Very funny.” Milo sat up and dug his hand into the jolly rancher jar I held; selecting a grape candy, he promptly unwrapped it and popped it in his mouth.
“I thought it was.” I laughed at him and pinched his cheek, pulling him off the bench and out into the hall. “Now get. I’m done with you and your symbols for at least another month. Shoo.” Gesturing him towards the front door, I propped my rectangular glasses up further on the bridge of my nose.
Milo smiled and went willingly towards the door as I joined Gabe, sitting behind the front desk. “Thanks Rubes… Come over tonight at 12 and we’ll mingle.” He opened the door to leave.
“I’m too young to mingle. Only thirty-something’s mingle. I’ll come over to see how you’re healing… Remember, no sun on it, and don’t get it wet!” I called to him as he left, smiling mischievously.

Gabriel turned to me with a confused look on his face before checking his watch and stretching. The sweet smell of his cologne wafted past me with his movement and I melted, struggling to keep composure.
“What’s with you and Milo?” He asked me after stretching.
“Nothing?” I raised my eyebrow. “What’s with everyone wanting to know about my personal life, jeez. I’m not that interesting.”
“Ruby…” He started, motioning towards me.
“Save it, Gabe.” I rolled my eyes and held my hand up towards him to shush him.
“I just get this feeling whenever he’s around. He’s not…”
“I know, I know, he’s not this, he’s not that, blah, blah, blah.” I turned from him, frustration creasing my face.
“I’m looking out for you Ruby.” Gabe said, concern creasing his.
“That I know, but I’ve been friends with Milo since I was an ankle biter. You have nothing to fear for… Listen, when we were kids, I was the one killing the spider in the tree house, he was the one shrieking like a little girl; he couldn’t even hurt a bug.” I forced a smile and grabbed the bills off the counter, dragging my chair towards the computer.
“Good point.” Gabe smiled back at me and the concern faded from his face.

I sighed in relief as the door jingled and Gabe’s appointment arrived. Going to work, I paid the bills, taking a fair chunk of my bank balance. I groaned again, already daydreaming of the time when I could go home and snuggle into my bed.

The rest of the day was a blur of skin and ink, spiked with pain throughout the hours. Gabe had left at nine and I was just in the midst of closing my till down when the door jingled open.
Not looking up from my cash, I drawled out sleepy words. “Sorry, closed.” It was already thirty seven minutes after the closing time of elven.
A slow, hungry voice prowled out from the door. “I have a question for you Ms. O’Shea.”
My senses alarmed as the voice stalked me and I looked up. “How do you know my name?” A pale, sophisticated man stood at arms length away from me, though I hadn’t heard the scrape of shoes against the tiled floor. His features were illuminated by the table lamp that stood on the side of the desk, casting a faint red light over his defined cheekbones and straight shaped nose. The fabric covering him wrapped around his body so elegantly, I refused to believe he was real. Dark eyes stared deeply into mine as he locked his gaze on me. Long white hair draped itself around his black overcoat and drizzled down his back and spilled over his tall and helplessly rigid shoulders.
“I know everything.” He intoned, teasing me with his be-all and end-all answer. “You’re Miloneus’ friend. He speaks of you endlessly. It’s actually starting to bother me.” He chuckled and kept his gaze on me.
“How do you know Milo’s real name? He doesn’t talk about you, why does he talk about me? I… I… I don’t even know who you are.” My trembling hands dropped the cash as I stared back at the man in fright.
“Don’t be frightened.” He smiled kindly at me and crossed his arms together over his chest. “My name is William Ashen. I know Milo from the book club we attend together. He speaks of you fondly, it’s nothing to worry about, but like I mentioned before, I came here to ask you a question.”
I had stopped trembling but still kept my distance. I hadn’t seen Milo read a book for pleasure since grade school. “Well..?” I was eager to get William out of my store, and the sooner I answered his question, the sooner he would hopefully leave.
“Did you tattoo Milo today? A lightning bolt with symbols around it?” His tone was suspicious as he still stared into my eyes, the light of the lamp catching his eyes and giving them a crimson shine.
“Yeah…” I said without hesitation, backing away from William.
“Ah, well then. I shall be seeing you often from now on. Have fun with Milo tonight, and don’t get too scared.” He perked an eyebrow and tipped himself in a small bow towards me, motioning to leave.
“Yeah…” I said again, and blinked. When my eyes opened, William had vanished.

I hurried through my cash and put it down, still disturbed by what William had said. Rushing out, I locked up and raced my beat up ’89 Camry to Milo’s apartment.

The night was heavy with condensation that foretold of rain as the smell of the waterfront hit me at full force. Salt sprinkled on the air as I breathed violently for air to cool my raging fright. The air was ripe with the sound of stillness; most of the complex was already asleep. A row of muffled lights led my way down the boardwalk to the entrance, the distant noise of squealing tires and a car alarm going off singing in my head.
I buzzed apartment 717, and Milo’s voice sounded over the intercom.
“Come in Rubes.” Another buzz sounded as the door was unlocked, and I ran towards the staircase and took it to the seventh floor and the fourth door on the left. He greeted me warmly as I knocked on his door, still shaken up about William’s appearance. “What’s the matter?” he asked, reading the fright easily off my face.
“I had a visitor today…” I started, my eyes darting around his apartment as I stepped inside. “William Ashen, he’s your friend.”
Milo’s eyes grew wide. “Did he ask you about my tattoo?”
“Yeah.”
“Did he tell you what it meant?” He grew increasingly worried which disturbed me and triggered my fear again.
“No…”
“Well then nothing else?” His nervousness turned to relief as he gestured me towards the couch situated in front of the TV and fireplace. “Sit, sit.”
I sat reluctantly. Something about him had changed. The lights of his living room cast off an iridescent glow that gave him the same look as William. “Book club eh?” I asked, struggling to keep my wits about me.
“Yeah.” Milo’s eyes flicked around the living room and onto the tiny patio as he looked at the stars. “It’s a beautiful night.”
I picked up on it immediately: the short answer and then a change of subject. “Don’t lie to me, Milo… there’s something weird going on and I want to know what shit you’ve gotten yourself into.”
“Ruby, you wouldn’t understand even if I told you.” Milo sunk back into the chair he sat in as he gazed out the window still.
“Bull, Milo, you even told me when you lost your damn virginity to my sister.” I searched him for anything that could upset me that he hadn’t done or tried.
“Ruby, please.” He looked at me, his eyes glazed over with tears as he shifted towards me, sitting beside me on the couch. “You have no idea how hard it is for me not to tell you…”
“So tell me and you won’t worry anymore.” I demanded, covering my curiosity with concern.
“I can’t.” Milo hung his head.
“Why not?”
“You won’t believe me… or you’ll get scared and run away.” He motioned to touch me as I pulled away.
“Milo, please… Just tell me what you’ve been up to.” I begged him, taking his hand in mine. His skin was icy cold, despite the fireplace hurling its heat out into the open, airy room.
“Ruby,” he started, looking me directly in the eyes, “I’m a vampire.”

A short silence followed as I tried to make sense of his statement. Milo looked at me to watch my reaction once more. I didn’t know what to believe. Naturally, I hadn’t considered it a possibility; I didn’t believe in tales of that kind. I had expected an answer like ‘Ruby, I’m a serial killer,’ or ‘Ruby, I sold my kidney for crack money’.
“What do you mean, ‘a vampire’?” My face held no readable expression; I had grown to become a very dignified liar.
“A vampire. You know, like… Dracula? Or Brad Pitt in that movie you like so much.” Milo attempted a half smile at me.
I narrowed my eyes. “You’re right. I don’t believe you. Milo, are you sure you’re not a druggie or something?” The very thought of Milo hunched over a body, sucking its blood made me want to laugh.
“I’m serious Ruby… See, I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” Sadness presented itself in his eyes as he retracted from me.
“Even if I did believe you it has nothing to do with me, Milo.” I stood to leave.
Milo jumped in front of me. “Please Ruby. I…” He put his hand on my shoulder as I tried to push past him. He could have easily forced me back down. I stood at a modest 5’7” as opposed to his 6’1”.
“What?” I demanded, elbowing him in the ribs.
“We’re bound.” He said sadly, dropping his gaze from my eyes to the floor.
“Bound? What the hell are you talking about Milo?” A tingle ran up my spine.
“Bound for eternity… When you put the tattoo on me, it bound you to me.” He said quietly.
“Bull! You know I don’t believe in that kind of crap.” I tried to push past him.
Milo let me by as I grabbed my bag from where I had thrown it down. I headed for the door as he spoke. “Freeze, Rubella.”

I stopped where I was, my hand near the doorknob. Trying to move, I couldn’t. I felt Milo’s gaze rest on me.
“Turn, and walk back to me, please.” He said.
Unwillingly, my body motioned towards him as he said the words, doing exactly as he said. Panic struck me. My eyes flicked around the room as I seemed to float across the floor to where he stood.
“Milo, what did you do?” My voice wavered as my body stopped moving and I gained control again, standing a few inches away from the man I no longer knew.
“I’m sorry Ruby… I love you.” The glint in his eyes had vanished as he blinked the tears away, and rested his hand on my shoulder again.
“I don’t love you Milo. Until the day I die I won’t ever love you… not like you love me.” Choking back a wave of tears, I spoke slowly.
“You will never die.” He mentioned quietly, “Unless you starve to death or get impaled by a stake through the heart.”
“Milo, stop your tricks and your stupid talk, you’re scaring me.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I forced the words out.
“It’s not tricks and stupid talk. It’s reality, Ruby. I’m a vampire, you’ll be one too.” Milo said quietly, raising his hand to my cheek to wipe the tears away.
“Milo please…” I begged. “Stop it.”
“My darling, don’t be scared, I’ll be here to help you through it.” He crooned to me, his voice laced with care and lover’s patience.
“Stop!” I demanded, tears still streaming down my face.
“I’ll be with you forever, Rubella.” His hand wrapped around my neck as he drew me close to him.
I struggled away from him as he dipped me with his muscles, but my meager strength served nothing more than a slight push away from him. “No! Milo, let me go!”
“You will be mine.” He tilted my head towards him with his powerful hand, brushing my hair away and exposing my pale neck.
“No! No!” I cried in vain, my body shaking with fear as I tried menially to get away again.

Fangs sunk deeply into my neck as my world spun. I felt the very blood in my veins chill and drain out of me, leaving me somewhere in between a state of consciousness and comatose. My legs went limp first, then my arms and neck. I fell into Milo’s arms as his lips pressed against my neck, stealing the blood from my body.

Gasping for air, I felt my heart slow to a pitiful pace. Milo’s fangs retracted from my neck as he picked me up and sat down, cradling me in his arms. My vision blurred as my heart stopped completely, my lungs collapsing from lack of air. I tried to move, speak… nothing came to me as it should. My mouth fell open and I felt a dripping on my tongue. I willed to place the metallic taste, identifying it as his blood. The room whirled again as I felt a hollowness echo in my body. I felt the chill of immortality absorb my soul and rip it to pieces like a mad dog.

The blur of my vision receded around the space where my glasses didn’t cover. I struggled to move and found myself able to sit up in Milo’s lap. A rumbling hunger played on me like a piano, the high and low notes echoing around in the empty chamber of my stomach.
I took my glasses off and propped them on my head. I saw clear, definitions of the objects in Milo’s living room. My vision corrected itself as I sat straight up to look at him.
“Milo…” I sobbed. “What have you done to me?” I knew the answer, but I still clung to the last hope of remaining human.
“My dear, I’ve made you into a vampire.”[/pre]
NOOO!
THEYRE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!
Bffl if you readTHIS
  





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Sun May 18, 2008 1:43 am
Snoink says...



Wrong place! :D

*Moved to Fantasy Fiction*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Sun May 18, 2008 9:18 am
Esmé says...



Porcelain,

I know those line-by-line grammar critiques can be sometimes boring, but I’ll do it anyhow, just because I’m nitpicky Esme. That’ll be followed by more general quotes, and then’ll come my impressions concerning your story. Well, let’s start.




Quote:
I rolled my eyes and waited for the next few messages, Trace, my sister

First comma a period?


Quote:
My mouth twitched into a smile at her mention of his relentlessly boring nature, but mentioned he had a few tattoos underneath his clothes. Coughing,

Okay, those two parts don’t really connect to each other. I’d suggest you make them more… similar? And you have two ‘mentions’, albeit in different forms.


Quote:
I knew then, I should have stayed in bed that day.

Consider rephrasing.


Quote:
“Oi oi Rubes.” The cheery silhouette called out as it neared me.

I’m a comma freak, so I’d add commas between the ‘oi’. But, I guess, that is optional, at least at that point. After ‘Rubes’, however, a comma is very needed and not in any way optional. And the ‘The’ would have to be in minor letters.


Quote:
What do you want Milo?”

Comma.


Quote:
“What else?” He asked, almost innocently.

Small ‘he’.


Quote:
“I told you I can’t today.” I rebutted

Comma. In fact, everywhere where you have a period, and then after the quotes it’s said how the character said his or her part of dialogue.


Quote:
“I know, I know,” he cut me off, “You don’t have the time,

Either a period after ‘off’, or a ‘You’ in minors. Your choice, of course.


Quote:
Jesus Ruby

Comma.

Quote:
My symbols are polite, thank you very much miss sassy pants.

Comma after ‘much’.

[b]
Quote:
Smirking, Gabriel waved at me and set his coat on the rack in the corner of the room.

Three respecti[/b]ve ‘Gabriels’ in three respective sentences. I’d get rid of the one in the middle, that is in the above. ‘the latter’? Or perhaps I’ll leave you to think of something better.


Quote:
“There you are gorgeous pants.

Comma.


Quote:
Sure thing Ruby.

Comma.


Quote:
No, black and white only please

Comma? I think.


Quote:
I said as I stared back at him, scrubbing my hands with soap then running them under the hot water.

Comma before ‘then’.


Quote:
“Whatever you say dahling.”

Comma.


Quote:
Gabe had left at nine and I was just in the midst of closing my till down when the door jingled open.

‘My’ what?



Okay, here we end on the grammar aspect, and move on to something that is, I hope, more interesting.



Quote:
Flipping my cell phone open, I reviewed my messages while searching my pockets for my keys,

I though she already had the keys? I’m referring to this:


Quote:
I clutched my coffee in one hand as I struggled with the keys to the shop.

(Second sentence, first paragraph)

Quote:
I’d never been one to believe in myths or fantasy-reality or anything like that; but running a tattoo parlor, you get your fair share of whackos requesting symbols of every shape and size. Over time I guess they just sink in.

Nice paragraph, yes, but why here? Why in this particular place? It just doesn’t fit! It’s so… out of the blue. Above she spills coffee, below she cleans the coffee. I just can’t connect this.


Quote:
“I told you I can’t today.” I rebutted. Ever since we were old enough to get out of the house alone, and I had started practicing my tattooing skills, Milo had served as my human canvas. I had put my art on him at least once a month since I was eighteen.

The ink glared at me beneath the lights and I stared at the living timeline of my art on his body. His bare shins were covered in some of my less mature and more random things that were meaningful at the time; his bare forearms bore the mark of my grown-up nature.
Merge those two?


Also, why is the MC so against doing that tattoo for her friend? There’s that part about ‘running out of excuses’, so I’m assuming it’s not only the fact that she has a shop to run. Either I missed the reason, or it’s not there. The first is very probable, though, it’s very early in the morning. Is that instinctive? I mean, I know now, but I didn’t then…


Quote:
“Ruby O’Shea, wherefore art thou?”
“I am here, Gabriel, oh Gabriel.”

That made me smile.


Quote:
Settling down again, Milo looked up at me,

Just because that ‘Milo’ can be a ‘he’.


Quote:
I smiled at him and started on his bolt of lightning, my machine buzzing happily as it chewed into his skin.

Very, very nice. Again, you managed to make me laugh, though I don’t suppose something chewing into one’s skin is a very good reason…


Quote:
A slow, hungry voice prowled out from the door.

Aws, not hungry!


Quote:
My senses alarmed as the voice stalked me and I looked up. “How do you know my name?” A pale, sophisticated man stood at arms length away from me, though I hadn’t heard the scrape of shoes against the tiled floor.

Split the paragraph into two?


Quote:
He speaks of you endlessly. It’s actually starting to bother me.”

^^


Quote:
“How do you know Milo’s real name? He doesn’t talk about you, why does he talk about me? I… I… I don’t even know who you are.” My trembling hands dropped the cash as I stared back at the man in fright.

Hm… She didn’t strike me as the person who’d start trembling all of the sudden, I don’t know… Sure you’re not rushing it?


Quote:
I was eager to get William out of my store,

The usage of his name… familiarity..? Doesn’t fit. Perhaps, ‘this William’, or something like that.


Quote:
I hurried through my cash and put it down, still disturbed by what William had said. Rushing out, I locked up and raced my beat up ’89 Camry to Milo’s apartment.

Notice that your intro was so very long and detailed. Here it’s just stated that she leaves. I’m not urging you to really, really expand this, but one or two more sentences would be, I think, nice. Also, there’s nothing whatsoever said about how she feels when William leaves… I’d put more emphasize on the last sentence (mine).


Quote:
Book club eh?

Comma, and praise on the part about Milo rarely reading.


Quote:
“Ruby,” he started, looking me directly in the eyes, “I’m a vampire.”

William was some kind of a hint, but still, woah.



And that is the end of that. As promised, here are my impressions and anything else that might have been on my mind.



What to watch out for?


Dialogue punctuation, for one. I pointed out a lot of such situations, and then stopped (that comma/period issue). Just correct the ones in the quotes, and skim through the text for the rest. There’s a wonderful article here on YWS (or was, but most probably it’s still there) concerning dialogue punctuation.

Punctuation in general, though more on commas. But, as was said, I’m a comma freak, and sometimes tend to add a tad bit too much.

Te section where Milo’s ‘friend’ appears, and the part where I said about those emotions being a tad bit fake. Usually, I’m all for emotions and feelings, but here it just doesn’t run too smooth. It’s as if she doesn’t want to be scared (not at first!) but it’s forced upon her…

Similarly, here I want to speak of emotion. Here, however, I feel that there is a considerable lack of the already mentioned. It felt so rushed, as if the writer wanted to just write it and then speed on to the next part. I’d rather you elaborate here.

The ‘I’m a vampire’ part. Nice, original, yet rushed! Expand, show more! I’m saying this only because you are a terrific writer, and as thus I can permit myself to say such things.


Neutrals


When Gabriel first made his appearance, I was a bit disappointed. There wasn’t much, yet, from the MC’s POV, there should. Later on there’s the conversation between Ruby and Milo, and that did away with any issues. However, I’d still add something to that intro scene. And then he comes to talk about Milo, the same thing that Milo did - I’ll just say that I found it funny how both asked questions about the other and the MC.

Characters almost always believable. Alive yes, and three-dimensional - with some slight, already mentioned exceptions.


Good points.


Your knowledge concerning tattoos - or very good bluffs. Anyway, the reader should appreciate the descriptions and understanding of the subject. Details were given, it wasn’t just that she made the tattoo.

Vampires. A very hard topic to be original about, yet you managed quite well. Exceedingly well, in fact and that, again, and much appreciated. Scores and scores of points on the last Milo-Ruby interaction, and the main idea which flows with it.

Language, vocabulary, all made the story very real. I also liked how (almost always, most on the beginning) there was a lot of details, and how I managed to ‘see’ everything.


As to the question of whether zou should continue - definitely. You have me interested, and I'd like to see how this turns out.

Well, that’ll be the end. If you have any questions, or if I said anything really, really out of place, feel free to PM me!

Cheers.
  








If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France