Young Writers Society

Well... this sounds like it could be a really nice forum, but it needs a good kick in the butt to get going, so... Let's see how this goes.

I'm uploading the first four chapters of my novel. There are forty-some chapters, but I'm in the middle of rewriting them, so I can't very well upload them all right now, can I? Please let me know if this is a problem, admins.

Basic Storyline: The Seas are ruled by the Sea Clans, each of which is ruled by it's own Lord. The Clans war with eachother often and L'ira, a young mage serving onboard a Visaden ship, finds herself in the middle of just such a battle.

Rated PG-13 for battle sequences. There is no swearing and no sexual themes.

Comments are lovely and I'll try to get chapters up as quickly as I can. Hey, YWS helpped me get the first draft done because you guys were demanding more, why shouldn't you all help me get the third draft done?

Apparently you can only add one attatchment to each post?

Chapter 3

chapter 4

Hey, Dusky! I'm just stopping in to say that I'll download these when I'm on my other computer. I think I read the first draft of this...? So it should be cool to see what you've done. ^_^

I remember loving Bearer when you first posted on SPEW, but I do need a bit of a kick in the pants to get things done- if I haven't gotten any comments back to you by next weekend, feel free to poke me.

See you around, Dusky!

Sounds interesting! Can't wait to help you edit it!

...

Unfortunatly, my laptop's dead and in for repairs, and Mom would murder me if I downloaded something on her laptop.

So! I will try to remember to read this whenever I get my laptop back!

I remember Bearer. I love it. I also remember being horribly harsh in the first critique I gave of it.

But -- YAY!

40 chapters. Go you! Well, I've downloaded them onto to my computer so I probably will get to them this week, though I am not sure if I am going to print them out, which is much easier on my brain, or do it on the computer.



Ta,
Cal.

I downloaded the first chapter and read it, and outside of one comma I didn't find anything else needing to be fixed that hadn't all ready been highlighted, apparently. I really liked this, though, and can't wait to read more of it, which I'll try and do soon. ^_^

I've begun reading you story, and for the most part, its very good. It flows well, is interesting and original, with some good characterisation. I doubt this will be your last edit, because for all that, it doesn't seem...quite as complete as it should, which must odd I know, but I'm not completely sure what it is I'm referring to either, its just a feeling I have.

The first sentence of the second chapter was odd, I thought. The use of tenses was both right and wrong, lol, and I think perhaps incomplete? "The Bearer had been an interesting ship, prior to Li'ra's arrival, but now..."

Or

"The Bearer was an unusual ship, always had been, and this new occurence was just further proof of that" -- something along those lines anyway.

Some questioned why he didn’t simply make her Visaden and eliminate the problem all together, but Ryden made it clear to his crew that he wouldn’t make that choice for her. Being Clanless was both a freedom and a fetter and he could not know how she would view it. When she turned eighteen he would let her make the choice for herself. In the mean time, a wristband was made for her, but no symbol inscribed.
L’ira felt the weight of that decision every day she spent with the Visaden

Ubrupt shift in POV. Usually when such a thing happens, it is explained/shown that the character was reflecting on the past, but in this case the shift to the present was unexplained, and, I felt, also ahead of the following paragraph which slips back into the recount of her growing up. Something is out of sync here.

I haven't finished reading, I've got to go to a lecture now, lol, but I shall return. Very good stuff.

I've just finished reading your story, so, here ya go I look forward to reading more of this.

And another...only being able to add one attachment to each post is a pain

Chapter three.

And chapter four.

Here's my critique/edit of chapter two. I really didn't have much to say, so...yeah. XD I like it so far, though.

Chapter three's. I'm really not finding much to edit here. o.O Which is probably a very good thing in your eyes!