Young Writers Society

Hmm... I never thought about that! Thanks! Lily and Xavier are 21st century kids, so they would know things that these backwoods fools couldn't dream of.

Final installment before I go away.
I shall return on the 25th of July. (Although I may not post for a few days because I'll be unpacking and catching up with people)

Okay. Sure. As long as Karsten doesn't leave too. XP

Rejoice, for I have returned etc.

There wasn't any big problems with chapter 11. Just some small corrections. Watch the dashes too. There are way too many.

I didn't read Karsten's comments before I left, but what she said is very true, and she put it better than I could have done. Pay especial attention to the part about Deus Ex Machina

Jee. That was an ordeal! The site didn't seem to want to let me upload an attatchment. I finally got it up. I decided to zip it because the file sizes are getting boonta.

So, chapter 12. Unfortunately there was more deus ex machina that needs attending too. A few plot holes, and I even did a physics/trigonometry calculation, and found out that the palace is one thousand and something metres tall. See attatchment for details.

I'm glad you're including a romance between Xavier and Lily. I look forward to seeing where that takes them. At the moment, even though I love Merenor, I'm thinking his death (or otherwise removal from the party) would be the best thing. It's high time Xavier and Lily start finding their own way. Being dependant on a side character isn't a good thing in a hero.

Thanks. A few questions/comments.

1. It seems hard for me to decide how Xavier's problems get solved. If I have him do it all alone, then you say "How'd he manage to do that?". If he gets help, then you say that's it's also not good. What do you think is a good medium between the two?
2. Actually, Vivien agreed to look for monsters under his bed before he went to sleep. Just kidding.

And as for the review of what you gave me, I'm working on that.

It seems hard for me to decide how Xavier's problems get solved. If I have him do it all alone, then you say "How'd he manage to do that?". If he gets help, then you say that's it's also not good. What do you think is a good medium between the two?

It's a matter of how he solves the problem. I want to see Xavier being the hero, but in a realistic way, rather than suddenly getting swordfighting skills out of nowhere. If he solves the problems using strengths realistic to him, such as modern knowledge or brainpower. I think Karsten mentioned this.

On the other hand, you could justify his fighting prowess by adding a bit where someone teaches him how to use a sword. It's just a little unrealistic a 21st century kid who's swordsmanship is RPG games if that, beating 2 medieval period guards who would have done training and drills, and probably have some experience as well.

Yeah, that scene I'm completely redoing. And I've changed Chapter 12 a lot. Not only do Lily and Xavier save Merenor twice, but they also take advantage of the fact that most people there can't swim to escape.

Sorry to say this, but that chapter bored me - which is why it took so long. There was no conflict. The story looks to be falling into a one thing happens, then another, then another etc. Very predictable. The stakes must always be rising.

What I mean to say is that travelling is boring unless the characters aren't getting along, or are doing something unusual, or in danger (being in the valley now could mean things are looking up in that regard. We'll see)

I am hoping that they'll find that the landslide was triggered by some adversary. If it was natural, it's a mega deus ex machina.

Sorry if I'm being nasty.

Hmm... thanks for that. I am working on redoing it. You'll probably like this - Merenor is unconscious throughout the first half or so of the chapter and since he's not around to warn them, they go through the valleys and get attacked. By what, I'm not sure yet.

One question, about the landslide thing. From another site, I read that it's good to have conflicts not caused by the main villain, such as natural disasters.

One question, about the landslide thing. From another site, I read that it's good to have conflicts not caused by the main villain, such as natural disasters.

I don't know about that. Once in a while I guess, but it's generally more satisfying to read about problems caused by the conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist, supporting characters and even himself - because that's what the story is realy about.

I don't remember where, but I read that 2 or 3 coincidences is okay in a story. The more you have, the more likely people will say "yeah right" or something along those lines.

Dark woods, monsters, evil spirits. This chapter would have been perfect to build up suspense and convey fear. That should be your main focus when revising this one.

Let's talk about internal conflict. Since I know you've read it, I'll use The Hunger Games as an example. While there's the Games going on and all that external conflict, Katniss also has to deal with her own conflicting emotions. She knows Rue will have to die, and she might even have to kill her. She thinks either Peeta or her will have to die for most of the story, and she's got a family at home who rely on her. Then she's got to appear in love with Peeta, and live a lie which eventually makes him hate her when he finds out she was only acting like she loved him for the sake of the show.

In short, lots of conflicting emotions going on in katniss's head.

The conflict in Xavier's quest is very external. All they have to do is get from A to B, and run away from monsters. No hard decisions or big philosophical questions that could have huge repercussions.

Xavier and Lily's romance is one area you could exploit to create internal conflict. Lily is the first girl Xavier has liked in a romantic way. He should be wanting to let her know how he feels, but at the same time feel shy about telling her, and not want

Merenor to know because he always makes fun of him.

There's plenty of areas to create internal conflict: Fear, separation anxiety with Earth, sexual development, coming to grips with death. Those are some that could apply to your story. There's bound to be more.

Chapter 15 was good. It was cute how Lily and Xavier cuddled up to keep warm. Good foreshadowing with the Dracien army coming to attack. It looks like they're going to have to earn the right to go back home.

All I really did was a few nitpicks. Not a lot wrong with this chapter. Good work.

Hi, Merlin, you've got yourself another reviewer. ^^ I couldn't help but feel intrigued when I read your topic in the Writer's Corner yesterday, so I got cracking on reviewing.

I've got the prologue and first two chapters done; I'll try doing the review in increments of three. We'll see, though.

Looking back, I realize I sounded rather harsh at times, but that's not me trying to be mean, just trying to help (but being excessively blunt about it...). Some points might not be worded so well either, so ask if you're ever confused. I was doing this at the same time writing a college essay, so I was probably more grouchy and distracted than usual.

Anyway, a few pointers--

I think that Hippie and Karsten have covered most of my concerns; excessively long sentences, fairly flat characterizations, some unrealistic bits, etc. I can't speak about the deus ex machina bits because I haven't gotten to the part where they enter the world yet. Nonetheless, there are some issues that struck at me.

Stereotypes and cliches: I probably pointed it out ad nauseum in the prologue, but I'm serious about it. Nothing irks me more in a fantasy than seeing common cliches; they're very often a sign of the writer being lazy. Why do the evil people all have to wear black? Why do they say such cliche things? "And now I shall kill you!", that sort of thing. I know you've got the imagination for coming up with a truly creative fantasy story, if your Writers Corner topic is any indication. So use it. Evil is at its most evil when it isn't dressed in black, twirling mustaches, and threatening death. Try for some subtlety in your characters' words and actions, it will make the fantasy action more believable.

The dream: I do quite like the device of dreams as foreshadowing/prophecies in fiction (some of the best examples have to be in Rudolfo Anaya's "Bless Me, Ultima"). That being said, the dream sequence in this story is a bit...lacking. I feel it could be so much more, but I wasn't getting much emotion from it, or even a dream-like atmosphere. This might tie in to you overall not really delving deep into your characters' emotions, but it really shows in the dream sequence. Dream sequences should have that somewhat "off" feel that detaches them from reality. Now, I'm not saying make it completely zany, but give it some hint of the ethereal...your dream sequence could have been just an ordinary scene in the novel, except placed in the wrong place. One smaller thing that bothered me was how Lily was depicted as a damsel in distress in the dream. As long as she's not like that in the rest of the novel, though, it's fine.

"Just" and "as": Two words you overuse, neither of which adds much to the prose. The "just"s (despite my mini-rant...) didn't bother me nearly as much as the "as"es though, especially since you liked using them so often as a substitute for "since". That's fine, I do it a lot in my first drafts, but when you go back and edit, replace most of those with "since"s and "because"s. It's fine once in a while but when you keep doing it, it gets overly much.

Emotions: I know Karsten and Hippie already brought this up, but it's important so I'll hammer it in a third time--we need to connect more with your characters, especially Xavier, and to do that, you really need to emphasize his emotional state more. It doesn't work just saying "He felt happy" or "the emotion running through him was sadness" or such. It's very tricky to do and it's hard if you're not particularly invested in the character, but work on making his emotions more concrete, something which the audience can sympathize with. I find the best way to do this is to think about how you'd feel in the scenario. Of course this isn't 100 percent successful, especailly if the character is very different from you in personality, but I don't think you should have a problem with Xavier.

I know I sounded like I hated it, but I wouldn't have reviewed in the first place if I didn't think this could be good. ^^ And it was--I quite liked it. Your prose style suits the work quite well (with the exception of the times you waxed excessively poetic), and is generally very easy to read through. There's a reason why most of the edits in the document are "comments" instead of deletions and insertions, as they usually are when I do advanced critiques--it's because the prose by and large is fine. I do believe you've found the perfect voice for a story told from a middle school student's perspective--it's simple and matter of fact, but with a level of snark to it, and with hintings at greater epicness (...yeah, even I don't understand what I'm trying to say here). There are some elements of your fantasy world which are quite original, and should definitely be expanded on--the giant dragonfly mount, and the magician lizard, for example.

And I'm also liking Xavier's character, even if I do wish I could get more into his head. He seems to be quite an accurate portrayal of a sixth grade boy, and I love his snarkiness--it infuses the prose with a level of liveliness that wouldn't be achieved otherwise, and gives us some more details about his character without outright saying them. I laughed out loud at several points. His interactions with his friends and Lily are pure gold to read--you're very good at writing conversations between people of their age, they sound very natural. I know that you've got the skill, then, to redo the fantasy-land conversatons in a more natural-sounding manner. Don't have them spouting modern slang, but have them talk more like normal people would.

I'll be back for more. How soon I can't say, due to other commitments swamping my life (coughcollegeapplicationscough), but I'll try to get the next three chapters ASAP. You've definitely got me hooked.

Thanks. And it's funny, most of the prologue has already been completely redone. XD Including names. The boy is Latrapi, and the lizard is Merenor.

EDIT: Oh, and about the recess thing, I'm sort of basing it on my area. Most of the schools around here are Kindergarten-12th grade, Kindergarten-6th, or 7th-12th.

EDIT2: And I've also changed the part where Xavier tells her about his dream. She doesn't believe him (thinking it's some sort of prank) and then tells the other girls, making him a laughingstock.