Young Writers Society

Ah finished reviewing part II. Everything is in here.

There are two ways to approach books. Either you fit big plots and concepts into a confined space or you try to lengthen stories that could be better told on a smaller scale.

I'll keep that in mind Thanks. Your reviews are so fun to read

And thank you Tedus for the second chapter review. I'll be sure to fix the most dire of errors, but I can't take all the wry humor out (I'm in the middle of my third part for my critique on Pieces of People)

Thanks again for the critiques everyone! Keep 'em comin'! (It'll take a while to pay each and every one of you back, be it reviews or points, but I'm workin on it!)

Soon I'll upload some remastered works, woo!

Yet another post! I'm gonna meld two into one this time; so I don't clog your thread. And the last two will be up shortly.

And here's the 3rd part of the review

The first word that popped into my head when I read the first chapter... DANG! I only read the first chapter and knew it was a good start for a great novel. I still need to finish the book and write a full review of it. So I'll send the review to you when i finish. Keep writing!!

There, all done for now. Unless someone else submits an advanced critique, I think I'm safe to start on book two ^_^

Don't hesitate to critique this one though, especially if you're already in the process!

So I just read the first chapter of Advent Child and I have to say I think it's fantastic ^_^ I'm very picky with fantasy, but yours is very original.

As I was reading I made a few key notes and I'd like to go back and re-read and submit my detailed critique (you might get it tomorrow).

I see here that a whole lot of people already submitted their critiques ^_^ And I'm too lazy to read through all those as well. So-

My question for you is: is there anything in particular you wish for me to focus on while I go back to re-read/critique? Do you wish for me to check over grammar, or do you think the other guys have that covered? Or maybe you want a review more focused on the story/literary aspects such as characters/plot/pacing/style? Maybe you want more advice on dialogue? There's a lot of ground to cover, so if you give me something to focus on I can review it a lot easier.

Let me know as soon as you can so I can get started.

But this won't be a totally useless post. I do have a couple of comments upon reading "The Beginning"

First thing that popped out at me was the style. I think it's refreshing. The usage of 'you' at the beginning kind of jumped at me. I'm not a fan of it, but in a funny way it actually works. I'm enraptured into this world you've created because this is OUR world from a different perspective and that's the best part. It's comfortable to step into Alex's perspective because you can relate with him, he's familiar.

The problem though is that you keep switching point of views. One moment it's first person and the next, it's third person. I think it starts:

She said sarcastically, flipping her hair in his face.

Little errors like that are dotted throughout this piece and you just need to go back and make a quick fix.

Eh. I think most people have already covered info-dump. It's one of the hardest things to avoid for in a work with this much scope because you're wondering how exactly you should translate all this information onto a page. Despite this, I managed to trudge through all the info-dump in the beginning, I liked the concept of Lower Town. It's clearly explained. But that's the problem, you see? It's explained. It's not shown.

Then there's a point in the story where you pass off the info dump as Alex's internal monologue and you actually stated something like: went back to my internal monologue, or something similar, I don't have the exact quote at the moment. That little bit right there completely jerked me out of the story xD I was wondering who's monologue you were trying to type out -- Alex's or the writer's?

Because Alex LIVES in this world so he wouldn't be stating all the rules and explanations to himself because he already knows them. That'll be like me thinking aloud: "YWS stands for Young Writer's Society. The website is a community for young writers run by Nate. Tons of writers go on it everyday and I could critique other's works and have my own works critiqued."

You see, nobody THINKS like that. I already know what YWS is, so everything about it is sort of internal. I never stop my train of thought to explain what it is because I already know it. xP

But on to another topic: your world. Utterly ingenious. I haven't read much fantasy because I cannot stand it, but this I can say is pretty original.

Now, this is only based upon reading the first chapter. I'm sure it might be a different case as I read on, but I'm going to have to disagree with whoever said there was too much description. To me the story was lacking descriptions, but I'm not talking about what the characters were wearing. You gave us all these long two-page description on each of the Seven Major Players and I'm wondering whether the clothes they don and their hair color is really so important... I mean, I suppose they paint vivid pictures of each of the characters, but you could easily shorten down two-paragraph of descriptions into two sentences.

Now the story was lacking description in terms of setting. For the first couple of pages, we were told the characters were in Chicago, and I was expecting a bustling city but I didn't get it. It seemed as though your two characters - Alex and Har were isolated to me, the only two characters in the world until maybe the part where you showed the crowd's reactions to the events going on. But really there was minimal to no interaction between the characters and their environment.

I mean, the magic stuff was pretty right on. You described it with skill. The clothing -- it gave me a headache trying to imagine all the belts and buckles and shoes and stuff they wore. In the end, we really don't remember any of that, nor do we specifically care so much.

I was a little miffed that the Major Player's names didn't reflect their locations, they were more the generic fantasy names. I mean come on. Talus isn't exactly a south American name, and Aurora isn't really 'Africa' but I guess you weren't going for that. It annoyed me but I got over it. It would've been nice though...

So yeah. Overall, I am looking forward to reading the next chapters and I will definitely do so over the course of the next few days. I'm completely absorbed in your world, and I think that's your strong suit! Great job An indepth review of the first chapter from me will be coming as soon as you let me know.

~ Audy

Audy wrote:My question for you is: is there anything in particular you wish for me to focus on...

"the story/literary aspects such as characters/plot/pacing/style" sounds about right. "more advice on dialogue" Also sounds good. Do whatever you feel like doing

The problem though is that you keep switching point of views. One moment it's first person and the next, it's third person. I think it starts:

She said sarcastically, flipping her hair in his face.

Little errors like that are dotted throughout this piece and you just need to go back and make a quick fix.

Aw crap. When I went back to make some revisions I put them in in third person instead of Alex's first person >.< Good eye!

It's clearly explained. But that's the problem, you see? It's explained. It's not shown.

The hardest hurdle I have to jump over. Especially for the 7th chapter. I'll get it right eventually! I think I chopped it down to something much easier to deal with compared to the very first version

That little bit right there completely jerked me out of the story xD I was wondering who's monologue you were trying to type out -- Alex's or the writer's?

Symptom of the first person/third person switching. That shouldn't happen once I fix that!

Because Alex LIVES in this world so he wouldn't be stating all the rules and explanations to himself because he already knows them. That'll be like me thinking aloud: "YWS stands for Young Writer's Society. The website is a community for young writers run by Nate. Tons of writers go on it everyday and I could critique other's works and have my own works critiqued."

I was attempting to, as they say, "break the fourth wall"

Environment. Probably my weakest area, since I'm always focusing on the characters and not so much what's going on around them. Even though Lower Town doesn't have much in terms of cars, or walking-the-street people, it still does have some life to it. I'll add that in.

Thanks for the Critique! I'm off to return the favor