“Would you please stop that?” she asked.
“Stop what?” he asked.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
“I’m not making any sound.”
It began again.
“What are those things?” she asked.
“These?”
“Yes. Those.”
“They’re peanuts.”
“Okay. What are peanuts?”
“You’re tricking me.”
“I’m not. What are they?”
“Try one.”
Notice anything? No description! No action! No reaction! A story simply cannot exist without description, action and reaction. Well, it can, but it won’t be very good. This is an example of talking heads. Look familiar?
Look at the example in the quote box above. This is an excerpt from a story I’m writing. So far, we have Andrea and Connor. All they are to the reader at the moment, though, are He and She.
She orders He to stop. Stop what? He has to ask that question in order for us to find out that ‘it’ is a sound. This bogs down the reader and is annoying for them. One of the worst things you can do as a writer is to leave your reader to fill in the blanks like that. So far, all Andrea and Connor are to the reader are (get ready) talking heads. Let’s fix that.
Andrea is not just going to hear a sound and snap at it; it has to have been wearing on her for some time now. How about "a moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound she had begun to detest"?
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound that she had begun to detest.
“Would you please stop that?” she demanded.
Still scratchy, but better. Note that I changed ‘asked’ to ‘demanded’. This shows how fed up she is better than telling. Remember, show, not tell.
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound that she had began to detest.
“Would you please stop that?” she asked, fed up at the sound.
Or even just:
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound that she had began to detest.
“Would you please stop that?” she asked, fed up.
You can get the same meaning across with just one word. Either way is fine, mind you, I just prefer ‘she demanded’. Less words, to the point.
So now we know right off the bat that ‘it’ is a sound that Andrea detests. Quite a step from knowing She wants He to stop something, don’t you think?
On to the next part!
“Stop what?” he asked.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
He has to have some sort of physical reaction to that. She just snapped at him from out of the blue! He also has to let the reader know who he is, so we'll need to tie that in somehow without making it too obvious.
Connor sat frozen in his saddle as he stared at her.
"Stop what?" he asked, confused.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
Okay, good. We now know He's name is Connor. We also know that he is confused. He asks an innocent question (stop what?) and she snaps at him again. We are now beginning to get a feel for what's going on. Connor's confused, Andrea's annoyed.
What do we have so far?
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound that she had begun to detest.
“Would you please stop that?” she demanded.
Connor sat frozen in his saddle as he stared at her.
"Stop what?" he asked, confused.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
Much better! We now have character reaction! (How characters react to each other.) But we aren't here to talk about that, are we? No, we're here for the talking heads.
Next part!
“I’m not making any sound.”
It began again.
Ugh. This is very bland. We need to spice it up a bit. We already know that Connor's confused, so we don't need to do anything there. Talking heads are bad, yes, but you really don't want to overdo it. The reader will be just as annoyed with a description of every little thing the character does as they will with nothing, if not more so. Be careful.
So let's go on to the second line. We automatically assume 'it' is the sound, but still. Look at it. It's boring. Let's try this:
A moment later the popping sound began again.
I like it. Note the 'popping'. Up to this point, the reader has no idea what sound Andrea is hearing. They just assume that it's not jolting or scary, just annoying. Why? Because of how Andrea reacts. For all they know, Connor could be making weird noises with his mouth, or doing armpit farts. They just know that it's annoying. This way, we drop a clue as to what's making the noise.
"I'm not making any sound."
A moment later the popping sound began again.
It would only be right to give Andrea a physical reaction to this, so let's add a few more lines.
"I'm not making any sound."
A moment later the popping sound began again. Andrea threw her hands in the air.
Now Connor needs a reaction. How about:
“What?” Connor asked, holding another nut.
Sounds good to me. But we're editing the original work, remember. So let's give Andrea a reaction that'll steer us back to where we should be.
She sighed and turned to look at him again.
It's okay. Serves its purpose, right? Right. Now let's look at what we have again:
"I'm not making any sound."
A moment later the popping sound began again. Andrea threw her hands in the air.
“What?” Connor asked, holding another nut.
She sighed and turned to look at him again.
All righty then! Next part!
“What are those things?” she asked.
“These?”
Hmm.... It's okay. We can leave this as is, if we wanted, but I don't want to. Let's give Connor an action to remind the reader what he's all about.
“What are those things?” she asked.
Connor looked down at his hand.
“These?”
Okay! Connor's still confused, poor boy. But now we've given him a physical action to show his confusion. You're probably wondering why we didn't do this before. The answer? What action would you pair with "I'm not making any sound." that would fit Connor? Characterization is very important when dealing with talking heads. You want to give them action and depth, but only actions that that character would do. For Connor, the best fitting action was to have him stare blankly at Andrea and not do anything. Seeing as we already reported one of his actions right before that to the reader, doing it again right after that would be like tattling. I repeat: the reader does not want all the details.
Are we having fun yet? Let's look at everything we have so far.
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound that she had begun to detest.
“Would you please stop that?” she demanded.
Connor sat frozen in his saddle as he stared at her.
"Stop what?" he asked, confused.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
"I'm not making any sound."
A moment later the popping sound began again. Andrea threw her hands in the air.
“What?” Connor asked, holding another nut.
She sighed and turned to look at him again.
“What are those things?” she asked.
Connor looked down at his hand.
“These?”
Compare that to what we started with. We've made some progress.
Next part!
“Yes. Those.”
“They’re peanuts.”
Again, no need to describe Andrea's actions. Let's stick with Connor. He's blunt, but let's describe his tone. To him, this is quite obvious. For someone to ask him what a peanut is is just crazy! What would he do?
"Yes. Those."
"They're peanuts." he said it as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.
What do you think?
NEXT SECTION!
Okay, almost done. Let's clump 'em all together.
“Okay. What are peanuts?”
“You’re tricking me.”
“I’m not. What are they?”
“Try one.”
Connor's confusion is all gone! good for him! And Andrea doesn't seem to ticked off any more either. This last part looks pretty good. There are definitely things you can add.
“Okay. What are peanuts?”
He blinked.
“You’re tricking me.”
“I’m not. What are they?”
“Try one.” he said, leaning over to pass her one.
Pretty good, no? Okay, no, it's not. But look at what we have:
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound that she had begun to detest.
“Would you please stop that?” she demanded.
Connor sat frozen in his saddle as he stared at her.
"Stop what?" he asked, confused.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
"I'm not making any sound."
A moment later the popping sound began again. Andrea threw her hands in the air.
“What?” Connor asked, holding another nut.
She sighed and turned to look at him again.
“What are those things?” she asked.
Connor looked down at his hand.
“These?”
"Yes. Those."
"They're peanuts." he said it as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Okay. What are peanuts?”
He blinked.
“You’re tricking me.”
“I’m not. What are they?”
“Try one.” he said, leaning over to pass her one.
And look at what we started with:
“Would you please stop that?” she asked.
“Stop what?” he asked.
“That! That annoying, maddening sound you keep making!”
“I’m not making any sound.”
It began again.
“What are those things?” she asked.
“These?”
“Yes. Those.”
“They’re peanuts.”
“Okay. What are peanuts?”
“You’re tricking me.”
“I’m not. What are they?”
“Try one.”
A little tweaking here and there:
A moment later, Andrea heard the annoying sound somewhere between a crack and a pop that she had began to detest. She tried to ignore it, but after the seventh crack, she whirled around.
“Would you please stop that?” she demanded.
Connor sat frozen in his saddle as he stared at her, with what looked like a warped nut in his hand.
“Stop what?” he asked, confused.
“That! That annoying, maddening, sound you keep making!”
“I’m not making any sound.”
Andrea rolled her eyes, exasperated.
A moment later the popping sound began again. Andrea threw her hands in the air.
“What?” Connor asked, holding another nut.
Beyond the point of arguing, she turned to look at him again.
“What are those things?” she asked.
Connor looked down at his hand.
“These?”
“Yes. Those.”
“They’re peanuts,” he said it as if this was the most obvious in the world.
“Okay. What are peanuts?”
“You’re tricking me.”
“I’m not. What are they?”
“Try one," He said, leaning over to pass her one.
And TA-DA! No more talking heads!
Okay! Quick Review!:!:
* No tattle-telling! Your readers do not need or want all the details.
*No talking heads! Your readers want some details, after all. Find a happy medium.
*Keep to your characters! Don't make them have a physical reaction simply for the sake of a physical reaction, especially if they normally wouldn't have that reaction.
And that's pretty much it!
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