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I need some help here



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Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:06 pm
OokamiKitsune says...



I am in the process of writing a fictional, fantasy, mid-evil story with magic and I cannot get the fight scene right. If anyone has any thought about how I could fix it or if it is just me. PLEASE HELP!!!! Below is what I have so far.

Spoiler! :
Von's eyes watched as the other squires and knights watched Max. Von had to admit he was a little jealous of Max's certainty and bluntness. He would never have asked someone who just got out of the hospital to a practice match, then again he also wouldn't skip class half the year and never would he have missed practice every day.

"You want a handicap?" Even if he was injured he could take someone who never practiced with a sparring partner was not going to be a problem.

"I think I'll be okay, you want one?" A grin stretched a crossed Max's face as he sheathed his blade and took a strange stance in the ring.

'Whats with this guy? He's acting like he already won. Well let’s see how he likes being beat.' Von thought as he gripped his swords hilt and unsheathed it.

"Ready when you are, Max." Von pulled his sword and gripped it with both hands. It wasn't anything special but it had a good weight to it so Von wasn't complaining. He had used a broad sword before so he was used to them but he preferred his own blade that his father had made for him when he became a knight.

"Well then, shall we?” Max asked pulling a dagger from his right sleeve and spinning so the blade's point faced to his right in his left hand. Von ground his teeth and raced toward him.

"Don't mock me!" he yelled hitting Max's dagger with his sword, the two blades collided, sliding a crossed one another and letting out a sharp shriek. Max spun his dagger so it was parallel to his arm and the edge was facing away from him. With a glare and a demonic grin at Von, Max returned the attack with a quick and accurate motion. Max stood up straight and stepped back two paces as Von touched his face with his fingers, warm and wet blood stained his fingertips red. Looking across at Max, who seemed very pleased with himself

“Tsh. Don’t….” Von said as he closed his eyes. “Mock! ME!” He finished advancing with his sword ready in hand. Max lifted the dagger for defense and his right arm up, just in case.

“Come. Von.” Max said as Von’s blade hit his own once more. “You won’t get even a scratch on me if you keep fighting that way.” Max said as he defended Von’s attempt to attack. Max sighed, not from getting tired but from extreme boredom. ‘Time to get this fight started.’ Max thought as he shifted his weight to his left foot, waited for Von’s next swing and blocked with his dagger, using his right foot to do a thrust kick to Von’s upper chest. The impact caused Von’s feet to stumble backward.

‘Why? Why?’ Von thought as he clinched the blade in his right hand and narrowed his eyes while looking at the ground. ‘Why can’t I hit him? Just one hit, that’s all I need. But why is it that I can’t even land one hit?’ Von glanced up to see Max smirking and re-sheathing his dagger. It pissed him off, a lot. ‘The nerve of that bastard to put his weapon away during a fight.’

“What I’m I not worth your time anymore?” Von yelled at Max, placing both hands back on his sword and holding it up. “Even if you re-sheath your blade I won’t back down.”

“Oh, is that so?” Max said looking at the very frustrated yet determined opponent of his. ‘His aura is different, it’s about time he got serious.’ Max let out a small laugh as he thought.

“Alright then, I’ll fight you seriously from now on. Then we’ll see how much more you need to practice.”

“SHUT UP!” Von said running toward Max ‘He still doesn’t have a weapon, o well.’ Von thought as he proceeded with his attack.

“Don’t blame me if you get injured.” Von loosened his left hand from the hilt and swung the blade as fast as possible. Dust lifted from the ring’s floor, though when it settled Von eyes widened. “How?” Von said not believing what he saw- anything. Not Max, nor drops of blood, just the spectators on the outside of the ring.

“How indeed?” Max’s voice echoed next to Von’s head. Max stood with his back inches from Von’s. “That speed was extremely impressive; I am surprised that you didn’t get my clothing. Then again I have probably had worse training than you.” Von’s eyes slowly glanced to his right so he could get a small glimpse behind him.

“Fool.”

“Why!” Von replied automatically.

“You are a F O O L.” Max said sarcastically slowly. Von’s grip tightened and his free hand created a fist at his side. “But, you have fire in your eyes so I wouldn’t say you’re a waste of my time, more like you aren’t at my level so I will fight you serious if you wish it, however you will lose.”

The audience started watching more attentively and gathered to watch as the two stood back to back.

“Now then let’s start this match. Ready?” Max said pulling his sheathed sword from his belt and swinging it to his left. Von moved his blade to block Max’s from hitting the side of his abdomen. Von turned and looked at Max, who seemed different. His eyes were narrowed, darker and his overall posture seemed darker. ‘It’s like he is a different person, but why would have a fight change him so much? Unless...’ Von looked over Max’s person and the blade he was now welding. ‘Could it be that Max has fought an opponent that only thought of killing him? Is it possible that Max has been fighting for his life instead of practicing with someone who was trying to teach him to fight? I knew he wasn't from around here but how bad could someone his age have had it so far." Von thought as Max came for another attack. ‘Another thing is that blade he has it reminds me of one of Scarlet’s four blades - A Dragon Sword, extremely rare and impossible to break. But why would Max have one?’ Max moved forward swinging his sword at Von who pushed the blade around in a circle until the two swords split apart. Von breathed heavy as his chest began to burn; he wasn’t used to such violent attacks at a fast speed or for long periods of time.

Max swiped his blade, this time it ripped Von’s loose tunic. Max spun on his feet to turn his body so he could get in another swing within seconds.

"Not this time buddy." Von said blocking Max's sword and punching Max in his face. Max feet slid back, but only a few inches. Max glanced at Von who was, to Max’s surprise, still standing and willing to fight. Max grinned again as Von took the offensive and went for another hit, although this time he got his sword to rip a piece of Max’s tunic. Max used his sword to push Von back, who braced his sword’s dull edge with his left hand. Max used his foot to kick Von off balance and land on his back. Though Von still persisted to fight back. Max used his right hand to hold his sword against Von’s and his left to draw his other blade. This one was slimmer, and shorter than the Dragon Sword. It had a spay-point and the blade itself was made from a unique ore, one Von had never seen at his father’s workshop. It was a beautiful blade in all, Von might have appreciated it a little more if it wasn’t two inches from his head and stabbed into the ring’s floor.

"Von! Stop this already, Max don't hurt him! Please!" Max froze as Elspeth's voice called as she pushed through the massive crowd that had gathered until her hands landed on the ring's mat. Max didn’t want to end to fight however harming someone who was already hurt was not something Max was going to be known for. As Max released his pressure on Von’s blade Kedna emerged from the mat as a shadow until he became a solid object again.
“Max, front gate NOW!” Max glanced at his companion with curiosity “It’s Iku.” Max sheathed both his blades and mounted Kedna’s back.

“Get everyone into the castle who cannot fight and anyone who can to the front gates.” Max yelled at the Knights.

“Why?!” one yelled back as Kedna ran through the arena’s wall and straight to the city’s main gate.
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Sun Feb 17, 2013 2:54 am
AlfredSymon says...



Hey Ookami! You have asked for help since January, but it's only now that you've received a reply! I am truly ashamed. Please forgive us! And also, I've put your narrative in a 'spoiler', with it, people won't be shocked by the length and so that they may read the piece in their own pace.

Fight scenes, sure. I've read your narrative and it was actually very good. There's words that determine the action, and some which tends to pause everything. Those qualities in an action scene are good. There are some lines which aren't that effective, though.

"Don't mock me!" he yelled hitting Max's dagger with his sword, the two blades collided, sliding a crossed one another and letting out a sharp shriek.

In this line, there are many phrases which is in no need of a comma. See, the dialogue, together with 'yelled' up to the 'his sword' is enough on their own as one sentence. Continuing it like that, with the two blades thing, isn't really effective and just makes the whole line a bit long and drab. There are a few lines like this in the piece, too, so try to check them up.

Max thought as he shifted his weight to his left foot, waited for Von’s next swing and blocked with his dagger, using his right foot to do a thrust kick to Von’s upper chest.

Okay, so the prob in this line is the speed. See, Max was just waiting, and then he just blocked? I mean, it would be better if Von hits first before he blocks, right? I know it's pretty self-explanatory, but this is a fight scene; readers should have the ability to picture the scene vividly.

Dust lifted from the ring’s floor, though when it settled Von eyes widened.

In these kind of sentences, 'though' is used as contradiction. However, you actually weren't contradicting anything, because it's a very bad one if you would on dust and eyes.

His eyes were narrowed, darker and his overall posture seemed darker.

A general comment of min instanced by the single line. Okay, so there are some adjectives that are very loose, like 'overall', which doesn't only slow the lines, but also give a not-so-good impression to readers as a 'fight' scene. Adjectives which is neither action-telling or image-provoking should be deleted and replaces with something more explosive :)

I hope I helped even by a bit! This is a good scene, it just needs some edits here and there!
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:05 pm
OokamiKitsune says...



Thank you for the help and comments. I thought there would be more problems with it because it is my first fight scene. I will go through it again and fix anything that seems to be wrong and repost it.
Every hello is the prologue to the knowing farewell, so make as many stories as you can:)
  








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