Young Writers Society

I've been writing a fantasy novel for the past month. Recently I've had a read over the pen-and-paper draft, and I had a curious urge to regurgitate. So I am now working on improving it. Here is the first paragraph:



That was the original, now here's the improvement:



Which is better, do you think? Please provide any other critique or comment to help me improve, and the reasons why you like a particular paragraph over the other. Thanks.

For me this is obvious, the first one was rather hard to read. I would defiantly go with the 2nd one.

You have a very dense style with the second paragraph, which is fine if that's what you want (it's not my style).

While I find the second paragraph to be better, I miss the brevity of the first. In the first, you get the general atmosphere of the pub in a few sentences, and we can move on with the rest of the story. While you do succumb to listing the surroundings, it's quick.

If you are having a whole scene (or style) rich in description and you're trying to capture a mood with a few more strokes, then by all means. If, however, this is a single paragraph in the middle of a story, and you are stopping the story for the sake of this description, then please reconsider so much description.

Personally, I would like the second paragraph to give more of a general atmosphere in general. You begin listing again when you start focusing on the patrons sharing tables and people passed out. Why are you telling us this? "Because it's there" is not an acceptable answer.

Description for the sake of description is nothing. It's clutter. Description to give the tone of a room (is the atmosphere tense because of those sharing tables or lively because of the friends?), to reflect the character's mental states (is the noise grating or welcome? Why?) or to foreshadow (attack imagery for idle things to forewarn of a fight or a young couple slipping upstairs when the protagonist has their eye on somebody). That is strong description.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:You have a very dense style with the second paragraph, which is fine if that's what you want (it's not my style).

While I find the second paragraph to be better, I miss the brevity of the first. In the first, you get the general atmosphere of the pub in a few sentences, and we can move on with the rest of the story. While you do succumb to listing the surroundings, it's quick.

If you are having a whole scene (or style) rich in description and you're trying to capture a mood with a few more strokes, then by all means. If, however, this is a single paragraph in the middle of a story, and you are stopping the story for the sake of this description, then please reconsider so much description.

Personally, I would like the second paragraph to give more of a general atmosphere in general. You begin listing again when you start focusing on the patrons sharing tables and people passed out. Why are you telling us this? "Because it's there" is not an acceptable answer.

Description for the sake of description is nothing. It's clutter. Description to give the tone of a room (is the atmosphere tense because of those sharing tables or lively because of the friends?), to reflect the character's mental states (is the noise grating or welcome? Why?) or to foreshadow (attack imagery for idle things to forewarn of a fight or a young couple slipping upstairs when the protagonist has their eye on somebody). That is strong description.

I suppose it's my fault for not saying this or providing more passages but my points for this paragraph (which, BTW is the introduction) were to 'show' the reader that the bar was unclean, a sort of back alley bar... here, I'll post the next paragraph



And the edited second paragraph:



Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate your time.

That context is helpful.

However.

My point was not that your description was bad, or you had too much. My point is your description is describing for the sake of it and does not give a mood to the scene. Your intent is irrelevant in this. The description provided simply gave us facts about the scene. These facts do not gel together into any sort of cohesive image without you helping us gel them together. Not one thing in that description indicated this bar was unclean, or a back ally bar. In fact, quite the opposite.

Words such as "cheerful", "conversation" (versus something like "debate" or "arguement") and "rested" imply quite the lazy scene— people are happy, only "some" are uncomfortable sharing a table. The drunkards are asleep and doing so soundly (nobody is bothering them, and nothing indicates they passed out at a possibly uncomfortable angle). Smoke is interrupted by hands "waving" instead of "thrown" (in argument), and there is no mention of shouting.

In short, it reads as an orderly, clean, somewhat middle to high class pub.

I'd suggest checking out this article, where I expand the point a bit more. When creating tone with pure description, you have to be much more exact with your word choice and think about the connotations for every single word. Right now, your connotations are mostly positive.

Even in the second paragraph you gave, you succumb to listing things. You give us a few more details, but because of your first paragraph's failures, he doesn't look out of place. You're drawing attention to things we don't know why we should care about, with no rhyme or reason given in story to telling us these details. They are vaguely interesting, yes, but what is the point of giving them?

And if this is your beginning (Ie- page one), please cut both. What you are doing right now is known as "set up". Set up is boring. We need a reason to care about what we are reading immediately. This article on beginnings might be helpful.

"Showing" goes beyond listing facts. Showing is having a character repeatedly trip over their own feet and dropping dishes because they're clumsy. Showing is having a street covered in shadow at two pm because of skyscrapers. You attempt showing with the second paragraph, but, as I said, your lack of precision in the first paragraph makes the details fail. We have no reason why he should stand out.

Give us one.

Thanks for the honest feedback. I wrote an extra mini paragraph to stick on the beginning, hopefully including all that you've talked about.




So that sort of sets up for the next three paragraphs. I'll change the second paragraph so it isn't too repetitive, and 'll trim out the unnecessary bits of P1.

Personally I prefer the first. The second is too busy for me. But this may just be me as I already have a very stripped down writing style. Less is more.

The problem with both of the paragraphs is that despite the descriptions they are both too telly. The narrative voice intrudes on the story.

This style of a distinct opening narrative voice is growing archaic, and is used less and less these days. I would advise jumping straight into the head of a character and anchoring us to him/her immediately upon starting.

I think, though the description in the second was very good, you may find you need to alter it so that it isn't quite as heavy. Obviously, I don't know what context it's in, and the choice depends largely on whether it fits with the text surrounding it. If you've been writing with a rather light description until this paragraph, I'd go with the second one, but if your description has been continually detailed prior to it, I'd choose the first. It depends on the rest of the passage.