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Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:23 pm
deleted11 says...



I want to write a non-fiction drama story with animal characters. how does this sound for an opening?

Colder than the winter howling its dirge
through the Southwest Forest.
Colder than the snow blanketing tree,
rock and earth in its silent shroud.
Colder than ice that lay on winter and
hung in shards from branch and bush.
Colder than these was the smile of
Ferahgo the Assassin!




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Sun Feb 05, 2012 1:13 pm
MoonlightMayhem says...



I think that sounds really nice. It's very metaphorical and nature related, and that's good for openings because they can perform lots of foreshadowing. Good start!
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Thu Feb 23, 2012 3:53 am
Tenyo says...



Reminds me very much of The Jungle Book, which is one of my favourite novels of all time.
The idea of a non-fiction animal story is interesting. This would make a good opening. It's not quite perfect yet, but if it's just the beginning then you have time to work on it. The rythm is hard to grasp. I'd maybe extending it a little and then throwing it into the poetry forum.
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Sat Mar 31, 2012 5:28 pm
Judas says...



Perhaps do away with the exclamation mark. In my humble opinion ( :D ) it makes things rather sillier than what had been intended.
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Sun Apr 01, 2012 9:15 am
Al3xx says...



I like the sound of this. I love the idea of an animal story, sounds interesting. Yeah what ItalianIlluminist said, just take out the exclamation mark, it makes it look exciting rather than threatening as the lines above it had been :D But apart from that- message me when it's done! :D
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Mon Apr 23, 2012 12:10 am
deleted11 says...



Thanks, guys, and by the way I meant fiction, sorry. :D Will do, Al3xx!