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Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:16 am
volleyball13 says...



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Last edited by volleyball13 on Mon Jan 23, 2012 1:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
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Fri Nov 25, 2011 4:02 am
peanut19 says...



This isn't the place to post this. There are specific forums for different genres of stories. Go up to Read and Write and you'll find the different spots to put this. (: Welcome to YWS and I'm sure if you post it elsewhere people will love to read it.
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


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Fri Nov 25, 2011 4:04 am
volleyball13 says...



Thanks so much.
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
Walt Disney




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Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:44 pm
Rosey Unicorn says...



Do keep in mind that the Read/Write forums are for longer segments of the story! About 800 to 1,500 words for a novel's segment. Short segments do go here. :)

As for whether or not I'd read more... this read like a summary to a novel, not a novel opening itself. You're listing all the facts instead of actually making a story out of them, and giving us a setting, mystery, everything else that makes a story alive. Everything is given obviously, so "far" from outside the main character's perspective that I can't picture a thing.

I'd suggest considering how your character would see it. Her "voice", as I'd say. A character's voice is the way they say things, perceive things, their vocabulary, their mannerisms. What makes them a person.

To get what I mean, read other stories. Notice how they weave together information that it doesn't feel like a list of facts and outside perceptions. Then try to write like that. Eventually, your own style comes out, and you don't have to think about it anymore.

But, at present, please rewrite this. It reads as a list of facts, not a story.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

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