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Throwing my naked child before sharks...

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Mon Aug 01, 2011 4:59 pm
EloquentDragon says...



So...
I need a bit of help. As in HELP!!!
You see, I've got, what I think, is a great idea, but I'm afraid that it might be really cliché and cheesy.
I thought I'd toss out the idea and see what you all think.
(Someone should get Nate to add a "Premise/Synopsis Critique" forum, or something...)

Any way, here it is:

The world's "first nations" (America, Japan, France, etc.) are attacked simultaneously, in one massive strike, by an underground entity, plunging the world into chaos and a "modern dark age."
But somehow, someone suspected this would happen. Decades before “Red Dawn” actually occurred, a team of scientists got together and discovered how to place a living human in suspended animation. When "Red Dawn" happened, they selflessly placed their children in the capsules instead of saving themselves. Only it really wasn't as "selfless" an act as it may have first appeared…
50 years later, the 4 kids awake to a very different world then when they had left. Each of them is equipped with a code, but there had been no explanation and they don't know what the code is for.
Meantime, in the past 5 decades the entity was destroyed and a new organization was set up: “Albatross.” It started out as a relief aid and then built “refuge cities” where one could be safe from the horrors of the war torn earth…for a price. Only Albatross had two sides, and a hidden agenda. This ties in with the resurgence of the entity at about the same time when the kids awake.
In the “New World” military technology has advanced, and independent operating robots have been invented. (On a side note, fully attached prosthetic limbs have also been invented.) These discoveries and developments were born out of necessity, and the technologies used by the entity to try and control the world powers.
There has also been resistance to the entity and “Albatross” by those who were able to see through the lies. The rebels have been severely oppressed and driven underground. But now, a new discovery may help them drive back the organizations out to eliminate them—human cloning.

Please tell me honestly what you think. Thanks.
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Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:06 am
Balaczter says...



I'd love to read about this. :D
It's... slightly cliched (end of the world, etc) but it's interesting how you brought kids into it. Usually in books kids are just randomly the main characters for no reason but the scientists wanting to save their children is a very good explanation. Although the fact that they have no idea what was going on seems a little... contradictory, to their parents wishes. Maybe have them set up a video to explain everything but it gets stolen or something? I don't know, I'm just rambling here.

Also, I'm not sure an 'underground entity' is or if it would be powerful enough. If it was just a bunch of humans, it would definately need help from other countries, like China or Russia or something. If it was some huge monster or plague, then ignore that last sentence. xD

But human cloning? Robots? Secret organizations in post apocalyptic settings? I'd love to read more~
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Tue Aug 02, 2011 2:58 pm
Kyllorac says...



How does it all tie together?

Right now, as far as I can see, you've got all these ideas running amok without any clear connections between them. Why is Idea A relevant? How does it impact/is it impacted by Idea B? And where does Idea C mire itself or the other Ideas into something coherent that makes sense as a synopsis?

You started out with a fairly cohesive (if a bit common) premise, but then it splintered right around the introduction of Albatross and the technology bit, and by the end I was wondering what human cloning had to do with anything.

From what I see, it's as if you had all these ideas, and you let them run away from you. Time to rein them in and make them work for you.
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