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Would you read this?



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Sat Dec 27, 2008 7:29 pm
Rosendorn says...



So, wondering if the first story I came up with is even worth perusing, since it's been four years and I still haven't worked out all the kinks in the plot.

The plot is:

My MC got dragged along to the capital for her sister's (no idea if it's older of younger yet) marriage to the Crown Prince in a land plagued by drought. The MC has a rare breed of magic that allows her to sense emotions around her, including Nature's. When she gets to the capital, which isn't drought plagued, and realizes things aren't what they seem. Well, the Emperor (the villain) notices this, and the effect she has on the people around her, he sends her and the Crown Prince (and guards, of course) to a rebel country where the Elementals live to try to have the Elementals bring the rain back. Once inside the country they get the full story, and that is the Emperor has been capturing Elementals to force the country to be completely dependent on Imperial stocks, and that the Crown Prince has a weaker version of the MC's magic. They spend six months in this 'rebel' country to learn the depths of their magic, and when they get back is where my plot goes fuzzy. Either they (the MC and the Crown Prince) square off against the villain who then vanishes, or the Emperor (and the Crown Prince's brother) have already vanished when they get there. The MC's sister is either already gone because she got into hot water, or she was unwillingly taken with the villains. The drought might end at this point if the MC frees some (or all) of the Elementals the villain has captured.

The next event (after a bunch of repercussion from the Emperor vanishing and the MC being allowed to do stuff normally reserved for men) is she manages to find the villains in another city, where the jewel that represents the MC's bloodline is being kept (the MC gets invited to a cousin's wedding in that city). She goes there with some help, and here is where things get fuzzy, again. She either: goes to the city alone, squares of against the villain, looses, but he doesn't kill her for reasons you'll find out later; goes to the city with help, but still squares off against the villain alone, see looses note above; or faces him with help and he vanishes when the odds are out of his favour (the third option is my least favourite because of a sub-plot that throws a twist into things). When she gets back there might be a court case to dismiss her sister (depends where the sister is in all of this, she's a new character) and then it's a mad hunt to find the villains before he cracks the code for the bloodline's jewel. The drought might end at this point if she frees some (or all) of the Elementals the villain has captured.

The ending, well, that's when she finally defeats the villain. The drought would have to end here.

A few questions about the main plot I'd like for people to answer:

1- Would you read this?

2- Do you see any little annoying things here that are unrealistic and/or cliched?

3- Which of the plot points that are fuzzy do you like the best/think are the most realistic?

4- Where would be a nice place for the drought to end?

I am really, really confused at this point and would like a few more opinions on this.

Thank you!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sun Jan 04, 2009 9:56 am
danster724 says...



In Answer to your questions in order

1. No I wouldn't read this as is but perhaps with some drastic revisions to the plot it could be interesting

2. Your story is full of cliche's honestly. The crown prince and an evil emperor keeping a major resource from the people to make money. That is the basic plot of dozens of movies made for children under the age of ten.

3. I didn't find any realistic points but I did like the way that elementals were worked into the story as they aren't used often.

4. The drought can only end once you have come to a resolutionary point, trying to end it anywhere else would be an insult to your story.

What I said may have seemed a bit harsh, but I meant it when I said I would read it if it had some plot adjusting. I think with some rethinking of a less cliche and more down to earth scenario this story could be interesting. Don't let what I've written keep you from writing this anyways because this is the opinion of one person in a world filled with millions.
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Sun Jan 04, 2009 3:23 pm
Night Mistress says...



Rosey Unicorn wrote:

1- Would you read this?

2- Do you see any little annoying things here that are unrealistic and/or cliched?

3- Which of the plot points that are fuzzy do you like the best/think are the most realistic?

4- Where would be a nice place for the drought to end?

I am really, really confused at this point and would like a few more opinions on this.




1) yeah

2) no

3) the one where the sister join the other side. why would she do that?

4) probably the middle.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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Sun Jan 04, 2009 4:33 pm
Blink says...



'Allo, Rosey :)

The MC has a rare breed of magic that allows her to sense emotions around her, including Nature's.

This seems to me like something very conveniently used as a plot device. I'm not sure if I would read it because of this--we're talking getting very little "showing" of emotions, just:

"Terry was sad, Mary realised. But she was wrong to assume Billy was depressed because he was envious of Terry who was happy."

Do you see what I mean? If you can avoid this, great, and I might read it. Magic is a fickle thing, I find. Also, don't fall into the trap that Eragon and so many other books have, do and will. It's very black and white; why is the Emperor evil? And don't just say "he taxes people" because almost every country in the world does that, or "he likes drought" because, well, what? Maybe he's just ill?

It seems quite a confusing story and could definitely do with some revision. For example, if everyone is dependant upon Imperial stocks, couldn't that just be good? Then everyone will have food and such--unless it's the drought thing. Why would he want everyone to be thirsty? What's his motive? Does he have water?

In answer to your questions:

1- As it stands, no, but it could be worked for me to.

2- I've tried to state some, so yes.

3- What Night Mistress said.

4- I think that there must be some logical reason in which the MC must die for it to end. She then faces a moral decision--don't just go for "she saved the world and they lived happily ever after" or "destiny says you must die for the drought to end."

I hope I helped,
Mark
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Sun Jan 04, 2009 4:39 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hrm, well, I'm working on another story right now (which I hope isn't as cliched) while I work out all the kinks in this one.

Thanks for the replies!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  








cron
Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl