Young Writers Society

I just started to write in the computer lab and I came up with this.....

Critique harsh or not is appreciated
I know I probably have some grammatical issues but yes this was a free write

[Background] : Charlotte and Nicholas are best friends.




Dark grey clouds filled the skies as the sunlight dissipated from the once brighten blue. The rain starts to pour onto the dark black streets as the sounds of honking and skidding fills the neighborhood. You can hear the innocence’s of children’s laughter as they run down the street into puddles that started to form. The wind blows and cold air takes over the atmosphere barring the streets of people.

She places her hand onto the window of her home and looks down onto the street. The icy cold feeling on her fingertips as the window is fogged up from the steam in her home. She lets her hand falter a little and pulls away leaving behind her handprint. She walks across her carpeted floor bare footed and looks back at the window. Her hand print still visible as it slowly started to fog once again.

A small smile evidently left on her lips as she opens the door to her darkened room and crawls back into bed. Her comforter engulfing her in as her eyes starts to shut as the noisy buzz from the TV let her fall into her slumber. The loud noise of a ringing makes her shoot up from her bed and grabs the annoyance of the moment. “Hello” Her voice whispered still asleep but sweetly.

“Hi” He speaks and her head drops a little as she runs a hand through her dark curly hair. “I thought I told you not to call me anymore” She spoke sharply as anger filled through her body. She was now sitting against the headboard of her bed legs crossed and the phone gripped in her hands. “I just needed to talk to you … please Charlotte” He began. “Goodbye Nicholas” Charlotte began.

“No wait Char please” he begged as he knew that her patience was running thin with him. “What?” Charlotte said as she glanced at what the TV was playing. The music station was on and she watched the screen change onto a new song and she cursed in her head silently. The song started to play and it entranced her ignoring the banter coming from the phone.

The words of Kelly Clarkson’s addicted started to swirl around Charlotte and the tears started to fill her eyes. “And I know I let you have all the power, And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time, It's like I can't breathe, It's like I can't see anything, Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you, It's like I can't think, Without you interrupting me, In my thoughts, In my dreams, You've taken over me, It's like I'm not me, It's like I'm not me”.

“Char … Babe?” Nicholas asked breaking Charlotte from her world. “Don’t say that to me don’t call me babe, Char or Charlie, Nicholas we aren’t friends anymore” Charlotte said and changed the TV station onto nonsense cartoons. “Charlotte please give me another chance to prove” Nicholas begged. “To prove what exactly Nicholas betrayal, pain, disappointment perhaps” Charlotte said bitterly.

Her voice was laced with venom and Nicholas could hear it with each word she spoke. He involuntary shivered every time she spoke to him like this. Nicholas knew of his mistakes he constantly made but he needed her as his best friend again. He rubbed his face as frustration was starting to grow within him but bit his tongue. “Char … I need you” Nicholas said easily. “Well Nick I need my life back” Charlotte said and pressed the end button.

The call was disconnected as their friendship neither was satisfied where they were left. Charlotte looked back at the television the brightly colors of the cartoons danced across the screen but she could not see with her blurred vision as tears cascaded down her face.


*Thats pretty much it*

I think that it has potential. The characters could use a bit of development but I am sure that that will come once you start writing the story more. Great description keep up the good work with that.

Dark grey clouds filled the skies as the sunlight dissipated from the once brighten blue.

You want to change "Brighten blue" to just bright blue.

You can hear the innocence’s of children’s laughter as they run down the street into puddles that started to form.

I would change this sentence to something like "You can hear the laughter of innocent children as they run down the street into puddles beginning to form."

She places her hand onto the window of her home and looks down onto the street. The icy cold feeling on her fingertips as the window is fogged up from the steam in her home.

The second sentence is a fragment. I would either connect it to the previous sentence, take it out, or add more to the sentence.

She walks across her carpeted floor, bare footed, and looks back at the window.

Comma between "floor" and "bare" then "footed" and "and".

The words of Kelly Clarkson’s addicted started to swirl around Charlotte and the tears started to fill her eyes.

You can just say "tears" and that is sufficient.

The call was disconnected as their friendship neither was satisfied where they were left. Charlotte looked back at the television. The brightly colors of the cartoons danced across the screen but she could not see with her blurred vision as tears cascaded down her face.

The last paragraph needs a little revision. There should be a period after "television" and before "the". The first sentence needs something between "friendship" and "neither" maybe "and" would work. "brightly" should just be "bright".

Overall the piece was quite a good start and I think that you could make it into a good story with a bit of work. Hope I helped
Cait